I don’t know how to act like a lady and think like a man

I told Jesus yesterday morning that I’m done with dating. Excuse my language, ya’ll, but I said this to Him:

“Jesus, niggaz be trippin, and because niggaz be trippin, I’m done.”

I’m sure Jesus fell off his throne with laughter.

I’m serious though. Dating is way too hard for me. I thought I could do it and not be all in my feelings, but man. I can’t do this thing. I told Jesus that if it ain’t about me and Him or Ethan, I’m over it. Keep men away from me because this right here ain’t what’s up. I got stuff I’m tryna accomplish. I’m trying to leave a legacy behind for my kid, and if a dude can’t match what I’m tryna do, boy bye. I’ll rock out this thang called life with just Jesus. I’m truly at that point in life.

It’s sad. I got some amazing friends and I’m amazing right along with them. But for some reason, we’re all on the Titanic sinkin’ together, while waiting on “the one.” The illusive one…you sir, who wants us women to have a credit score of 800, no debt, 0-1 kids, be a master chef, have a body count of 1, have no emotional baggage, and ohhhh and I forgot. You want me to be saved too, right??? It’s like these unrealistic expectations are on us and guys have this smorgasbord of women. It’s super overwhelming. When you meet somebody you finally vibe with and they’re telling you how amazing you are and how we gotta see each other soon, they ghost you. Or better yet, you think you’re the only one they’re dating and they got dates lined up for weeks, and you don’t even know anything about it.

Key is confused. Key is SUPER confused.

I have had my fair share of heartbreaks and potentials. I’ve fooled with men who made me an option and not a priority. I’ve dated men who wanted no commitment. I’ve dealt with guys who made me feel inadequate and not special. Heck, I even dated a dude for a year and a half and I never met any of his family or friends. (Yes, dumb, I know). It’s tough. God knows exactly what I’m attracted to, and so does the enemy and the enemy plays on the very things that pull at my heartstrings. How can I tell the difference especially when my feelings and heart cloud my judgement? I mean look…when you feed me and tell me I’m pretty, I turn into an M&M (you know, they melt in your mouth, not in your hand, lol). Ya’ll. I’m team words of affirmation and gifts all day everyday. Those two love languages right there be having me wanna cook four course meals for ya.

Oh man, Jesus. What you gone do with me cuz I be trippin, lol.

A couple of weeks ago, my friend Chas asked me if I could date like a guy and I hesitantly said yes.

I lied Chas. I can’t.

I can’t fake like I’m not giddy when a guy looks me in the eyes and asks what’s going on in my head. I can’t pretend like I don’t have butterflies in my tummy when a dude puts his hand in the small of my back. I can’t act like I could care less when I get ghosted after being told the day before how beautiful and awesome I am. No, I can’t turn my heart on and off, and that’s what I feel like Steve Harvey, men, and sometimes even women expect me to do. Don’t go in expecting much on the first date. Don’t be all in. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Date around. Don’t date around. Be open minded even if he ain’t saved. Focus on one man at a time. Date several. Let him chase you. Don’t call him until 2.5 days later or he’ll think you’re desperate. God. Whaaaa??? What the heck? These unofficial rules of dating got my head spinnin’. I’m not built for all this crap. I love hard and I love deep. I love honesty and despise games. I have a list, but it’s been edited so much, if you saw my list of what I want in a man, you’d think Ethan wrote it. And to be honest, why should I lower my standards and keep my heart off my sleeve just because men have a smorgasbord of women at their beck and call????

This. is .too .much.

God, whatever happened to Psalm 37:4???

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.

At one point, I thought that meant, ok, Jesus. I’m saved, and now God, you bout to give me whatever I want..so long as I pray in Jesus’ name, you got me on every wish on my list. Here are the desires of my heart. Do yo thang. Sprinkle that God-dust on my plans and we’ll be in business.

It appears that we Christians, including myself, have misinterpreted that verse for way too long.

Jesus knows I want marriage and babies. He knows I want it so much that in the past, I’ve settled for the bare minimum a man will give me. Like if you were breathing, looked decent on my arm, smelled good, and could complete a thought, I’d try to give you a chance. God also knows that I can be very superficial in what I want, too. I want a dude that has a closet full of button downs and polos (like seriously, I want a guy with a closet like Christian Grey from 50 Shades of Grey, lol). I want him super fine and super saved. I want him to pass Ethan’s inspection and I want him to guarantee me cute babies. Hey ya’ll, I can’t be sorry that I want a Rick Fox, not a Shrek. I also want a guy I’ll feel safe with, who I can be silly with. I don’t want another dude that I gotta walk on eggshells with. I want someone that makes me feel like I’m home whenever we’re together. Yes, I’m super mushy, but that’s me and I am unapologetic for wanting what I want. But what if that ain’t what God wants for me? What if His desire for me is to be a single and saved cat lady? What if He feels Ethan is all the kid I need? What I do with that? I mean, when I gave my life to Christ, that meant my life is no longer my own, right? According to Galatians 2:20 (NLT) my thoughts are definitely confirmed:

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

WOW. WHOA. Lord, I so wanna live for you. But dang! Temptation is always crouching outside my door. My desires that ain’t always holy are outside my door choppin it up with temptation. It’s too much for ya girl, Jesus. I can’t handle this alone.

I know I’m rambling, but Jesus, I just want what my parents have–to come home to someone I can let my hair down with (or take my wig off for, lol). I want safety and security. I want to laugh as hard as my mama laughs at my dad–that dumb, stupid, deep in your belly laugh. I want to be someone’s safe place and I want them to be mine. But in the end, what if after wanting all of this, God is like “No Key. I want different for you.” Lord, you’re calling me to purity and no one is doing that anymore. It’s too hard and I’ve failed too many times to realistically commit to You in that area. You’re calling me to swerve dudes that I really want to entertain. You’re calling me to put down my remote and pick up my Bible. You keep asking me to give up habits that I’ve had for years, and I keep failing and failing. I’ve broken promises to you over and over. And Lord, I don’t want to be “too churchy” to my friends. They’ll think I lost it. I mess up so much. Lord KNOWS I’m a big screw up. But guess what? As big as my mess ups are, my love for Jesus is even bigger, and so is my God. He’s my heartbeat, the keeper of my heart and soul, the holder of all my secrets, hopes, and dreams.

True, it breaks my heart sometimes to think about how much God may want something different for my life especially because I have always wanted a complete family. Last week, a little girl at church was sitting by me during choir practice. She was so sweet and small and cute, ya’ll. For some reason, she wanted to zip my boots. As soon as she did that, my heart melted and I got all teary eyed. This my friends is what sucks about what I want vs. what God wants. I talk about wanting love and more kids because, hey, that’s my dream. As I get older, I really really have baby fever, especially because I never got to really enjoy my Ethan being a baby and he actually was an AWESOME baby. He be doing the fool now, but as a baby, he was cool as a box fan. But now that I truly want a home and family and have goals that I think are way too much for my brain to handle, what if that’s not what God desires at all? And don’t get me wrong. I am a firm believer that whatever God expects of me, even if it’s a lifetime of singleness, He will make life worthwhile for me. He’s already doing just that.

With all the struggles, twists and turns, with all the tears and confusion, with all the heaviness I feel sometimes to be saved in a world that looks at ya crazy and call you extra when you really trying to live by what the bible says….He has made life crazy bomb. The thing people miss about Psalm 37:4 is that when you really give your life to the Lord, you truly begin to delight in Him. You love Him so much that you don’t want to disappoint Him. You love Him so much that you don’t want to hurt Him. You be so in love with Him that you start prayin’ weird stuff like, “Lord, what’s in YOUR heart? Show me how to please You. Give me the desires of YOUR heart. If you don’t want something or someone in my life, remove it or them. I want my heart’s desires to match Your heart’s desires.” That is what that scripture means in my life. That’s where I’m at these days.

Since I’ve been determined to try my best to live for Jesus for real for real, He is making this walk worth it for me. I desire all that He wants for me, even it looks completely different from my hopes and dreams. Yes, I slip up still. I ain’t no saint, and I may not know how to act like a lady and think like a man, but I know that I got God’s Spirit working through me, so I’m not walking through this Christian faith alone or on my own strength. So Jesus, keep working on me and through me. One of these days, imma get it. Just watch.

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