More please

Happy Freakin’ Valentine’s Day!

Don’t think I’m saying this sarcastically because I definitely am not, lol.

Valentine’s Day is my absolute favorite bestest most lovey dovey holiday ever and I’m here for it. Sure, every year I think this is the year that I’ll get that restaurant proposal by my imaginated boo thang in my head where I start bawling like a baby just like they do in the movies–and it has yet to happen..but still. Vday is my jam. Most importantly, I believe that this has got to be the very first Valentine’s Day in my singleness that I’m not pouty or moody or down in the dumps. Now, I’m still working on being ok the rest of the year, but celebrate the small successes while you can, right?

Anyway, I took a bit of time away from writing because of a lot of different reasons, much of will probably be several topics of discussion in later blogs, but for now, I’ll focus on what I felt led to write for right now.

I’m a fan of cruising. It’s usually my family’s go to vacation thing since it’s cheaper than a land vacay (to us anyway), everything is right there on the ship, the food is plentiful, and there’s always a nice itinerary with plenty of things to do (even if they seem to duplicate the same activities every year, lol). Anyway, while on the ship, we noticed that the ship was being a bit more restricted with the food portions. Now look, I get it. Food is expensive, and people can be pretty wasteful with it on a ship where everything is pretty much right there at your fingertips. But this is my mom, in a salad line. How much money are you really spending on lettuce and olives? Well, instead of my mom just being satisfied with the dap of salad and small handful of olives on her plate, she tells the server in the tiniest, kid like voice, “More, please.” I could not stop laughing at her. I just looked at her like, really ma? She just looked at me like–what??? I want more! What’s wrong with that?

I feel ya ma. What’s really wrong with that??

More, please. My mom and her giving me wisdom in two words when she didn’t even intend to is God just showing me how He can make a simple situation like that turn into a whole word for my life.

Man.

2019 was a bit of a roller coaster to me. I had good days and bad days. I made poor choices and learned from them (well not all of them, but some). What made 2019 a bit tough was the emotional struggle I was going through. I did and still kind of am in isolation. All I want to do lately is sleep and eat and be to myself. I stopped serving. I started dreading each day and I’d feel defeated before I even stepped foot into work. I started praying less and less. I stopped writing, stopped believing in the right things, closed up my bible and opened up that Netflix app on my phone more and more. I drowned myself in thoughts that I felt kept me under. It’s like I’d think, ‘Key, you gotta get out of this hole. You know what God says about you. You know you’re operating on your own strength and feel exhausted. You know this ain’t workin’ and you’re running on fumes. GET UP.’ But nope. Back to bed I’d go. I was trying to fill this God sized hole inside of myself with any and everything that I could think of outside of God and walked away each time with this feeling of wanting more. I still am in that space and I’m trying to see my way out. But something that I keep feeling with 2020 now being here is more. I want more. I want more of the right stuff, though. I’m tired of the processed junk of the world that I’ve been feeding myself and I just want more.

What’s crazy is right at the feet of Jesus, right within my reach, is the more I so crave and need.

Ephesians 1:22-23 (NLT)

 ²² God has put all things under the authority of Christ and has made him head over all things for the benefit of the church. ²³ And the church is his body; it is made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things everywhere with himself.

Now I’m sure I’ve used this very scripture in a prior post, but I needed this scripture to come back and be etched in my mind and heart. Christ gives me more. Christ gives you more, too. He doesn’t just give us more that will later leave us empty. Nuh uh, that ain’t my Jesus. He FILLS us. He doesn’t leave us empty. Nothing outside of Him will do. We can try everything the world tries to offer us on a silver platter and I know married people got they struggles going on and all, but lemme tell you bout this single life. It’s tough tough. Singleness is not for the weak. It ain’t for the faint of heart. It’s for the strong. Now if you got a kid like me, your free time can be a bit restricted, but still, as a single, I got plenty time on my hands to find trouble. The enticement of casual sex or alcohol or people saying that we can fulfill whatever urges we want to fulfill with no apologies. My body, my choice, right? I have to constantly fight thoughts that are all the way wrong and inappropriate. I have to battle the world trying to tell me the Word of God is outdated or irrelevant. I backslide, repent, backslide, repent and I just feel like alot of times living for God is dang near impossible. It can be hard. Christianity can be hard. Singleness can be hard. But what makes it even harder or feel more impossible is when you try to live as a Christian single or as a Christian period, without Christ. We can’t keep trying that. We can’t keep filling ourselves up with wrong thinking, wrong tv and music, bad habits, or whatever else we think can make us happy. That stuff is temporary. Christ and everything He has for us is eternal.

But whether you’re married or single, young or old, whatever season you find yourself in, it’s time to know that the more that we’re asking for has to come from the One that can truly and completely fill us–Christ. The older I get, the more I understand why nothing can ever compare to my God. It’s crazy. The best relationship, the biggest number you could ever want in your bank account, fame, or anything else you think you want or could imagine could never top what God has for you and for me too. We just need to believe it, chase God for more, and stop settling for that dab of salad and small handful of olives.

God, I want more please. I want more of You. I want Your Presense to fill every place that my feet touch. I have seasons where one foot is in with You while the other is out. I have seasons where I just want to do my own thing which is way too dangerous, but I can’t lie, I’ve done it..over and over. But where has it gotten me? It’s left me empty and has gotten me further from You. I don’t want that life. I want a life where people can truly say that Your hand is on my life. I want to be Your hands and feet. I want to love You not with that on the surface love, but deeply, intimately, and with my entire heart. I want to go where You say go, do what You say do, say what You tell me to say. This can’t be all life is cracked up to be. There’s gotta be more and I believe that more is right where You are. So show me how to be consistent, committed, and faithful to You. Help me to be a light in dark places. Help me to be obedient even when it’s hard or unpopular. Help me to point others to You. Help me to be all in, today and everyday.

Jesus, You complete me. On a day so focused on relationships, love, roses, candy, and all that good stuff that I love or think I want, it doesn’t compare to You. Your heart, presence, closeness—I want more, please. I thank You that when I ask for more, You never turn me away. I love now and always.