I hate that I’ve become a person that’s always waiting on the next best thing.

I hate it so much, but it’s who I’ve become.

I’m waiting to get married and have some babies.

I’m waiting to hit this certain income bracket so that I can try to live how I wanna.

I’m waiting to travel to places that I’ve mentally placed on a bucket list.

In the waiting, I figure all these things I’m so impatiently waiting for will somehow make me happy, bring me deep and long lasting joy. But the more I wait, the more I live, the more I get the things on my wait list, the more I see that I couldn’t be more wrong. God keeps showing me just how wrong I am.

This week was a bit of an emotional one for me. Someone who I worked with years ago took his life.

Just reading that sentence makes my throat want to close up, especially because that one sentence really can’t sum up the kind of man this guy was.

In the years that I worked with him, I saw how someone of a different race, belief system, and background could impact your life in a way that is irreversible. Yes, sometimes this guy’s sarcasm took me for a loop and it took some time for me to get accustomed to how a New Yorker may come off as opposed to how I’m all southern-like and stuff, but he truly cared about those who he worked with. He took time to try to mentor me, help me figure out my next steps in his department, gave me his freakin big screen when he moved away, and really showed me that in Corporate America, you can find someone who really wants to take care of their people. To know that he was all this and to know that he is gone, hurts. I hadn’t spoken to him in years, but this hurts me. It hurts me to think that he was in such a low place, that he couldn’t recall all the good he’d done, all the lives he’d touched, all the life he still had to live..he couldn’t look on the value of his life and just live. Here I am thinking this man is living his best life–traveling everywhere, taking pictures in places I have only dreamed of visiting, only to do this.

Why God? Why would You ever allow something like this? Why?

I took time to look through a lot of his pictures, reading his sarcastic or quirky comments left with them….I never thought he was unhappy. It never hit me that he was in need for anything. I mean why would I think that? He’s traveling, he’s living, he appears to be thriving and living the very life I want. But apparently, I was very wrong.

In the time that I got to know and work with him, I never asked him if he knew Jesus. I wanted to lie to ya’ll and just say that I never felt led to, but if I’m real, I think fear just kept me from asking. I mean I just figure people will find salvation at the right time, right? Why would I need to witness to someone that I’m reporting to? But now I keep thinking that I should have witnessed. I should have checked in on him. I should have done something, anything that could have made this be avoided and now, nothing can be done. Nothing. All I can think is how much I wish he knew how much people cared and how much I wish he knew of God’s love and salvation.

I keep waiting on the next big thing. I keep waiting on something to bring me tremendous joy. I’m over here with my selfish self, waiting on my plan to come to fruition, while there is a hurting world out there waiting on me to introduce them to Jesus.

Wow. What a way to call me out in my own writing, Lord.

I say this often, but I just want to reiterate that I am far from perfect. I am not a Christian that has it altogether, though I wish I did. It takes a long time for me to catch on to things, appreciate things, contemplate on how I should or shouldn’t approach a situation. But I think I’ve taken well over enough time to realize that I, as well as everyone in this world, need Jesus. We need Him. That’s it. We just simply need Him to interrupt, to shake up, to lead and orchestrate every single detail and part of our lives. Because if we don’t have Him, what are we missing? The point of life! Jesus holds every single thing we need in this life and the next and the wait for the next big thing should be over. The wait was over once Jesus breathed his last breath on the cross and said, “It is finished.”

I have to say this because people tend to also forget that even though we can have the Lord in our hearts and in our lives, we still may need help to talk through our low and sad seasons. Depression and mental illness is a real thing. And yes, I believe that the Lord can heal any disease or any sickness, but He also allowed professionals to have God given abilities to help those in need. If you are battling anything like depression or mental illness, I’m all for getting the help you need. There is no shame in that and never allow anyone to make you feel that you should be ashamed. Shame doesn’t come from my God. Healing and wholeness does. So if additional help is needed, I plead with you to get it.

What happened this week just further gives me confirmation that I have to cling to this truth now more than ever: No joy is made complete without Christ. Nothing the world could ever offer would ever come close to what the Lord offers me. Whenever I get a little money, I go out to eat, I drink up, I buy whatever. When I get a guy’s attention, I think that yeah, I’ll finally be happy. I get to take a vacation and post pics on social media so that people can look at me look at me smiling and enjoying life. Money, food, relationships..all of that are amazing blessings from God, but that’s just it–all good things come directly from Him and if all that stuff comes from Him, He’s the source of the very emotion that’s attached to all blessings. He truly is the source of joy. While listening to a sermon on YouTube, Micheal Todd of Transformation Church further confirmed this through scripture and it blew my mind:

Psalms 4:6-7 (NLT Version):

⁶ Many people say, “Who will show us better times?”
    Let your face smile on us, Lord.
⁷ You have given me greater joy
    than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine.

And there you go. NOTHING gives joy like the Lord does. We can have every single thing on our wish list checked off, but if Jesus ain’t nowhere on it, our joy will never be complete. I’m freakin’ tired of waiting on the joy I’ve already been given through Christ. Now that I know that I have the joy of the Lord for real, it’s time to hold it hostage and never let it go. The world can do what it wants, but we, as believers, have to do what God says and spread His joy, His truth, His love and salvation until it sets His world ablaze.

My God, my Creator, the Lover of my Soul, and the One who knows me best: there’s nothing like the joy and peace that You give me. I keep thinking I want this or that, and I can’t lie, I still want these things, but once I get it, that hole that only You can fill will still remain if I don’t stay hooked up to You. Lord, I ask that You give me boldness. Give me boldness to witness to people, to live a life that truly mimics Jesus Christ. Help me to not let fear or doubt or my imperfections keep me from telling people about the One who saved my life. I may not be perfect, but I serve a perfect God and where I fall short, You pick up the slack. Help me to be a light in this lost world. Help me to know Your heart and to introduce it to those around me. Forgive my inconsistencies, my disobedience, and my rebellion. Make my heart soft towards You and Your people. May I become the very woman You have always realized I could be. I love You, God, now and forever.