Today, I took a break to go outside and clear my head.
It was beautiful outside, which says a lot for a person who really does not do outside. Anyway, after pacing and trying to figure out some brainstorming ideas for work, I headed back inside and attempted to close the door. It was a small struggle because the wind was pushing against the door, causing the simple task of locking up to make me push harder in order to close the wind out. Finally, I got the door closed and locked it behind me to go about my day.
How many times has God tried to push His way in, only to have me close Him out and lock up tight? (Yes, to me even closing a door can get a bit deep).
I feel like every single time He’s trying to heal me in this area or correct me in that area, I’m telling Him that I’m not ready to open that door yet, to give me more time, to just let me be like everyone else and do what everyone else is doing. I tell Him to wait until I get myself together first. He wants to change me for the better, wants to stretch me and I’m scared. “I’m not ready,” I say. “What if I want to stay how I am? I’m too old for all this changing. I’m just not equipped for it. People will think I’m too extra and I don’t even want to have to explain it.” I try to fight off the wrong stuff for a while, only to give in again. It seems too hard to get close to God. It seems like too much work to bother with sometimes. I get too easily distracted by way too much stuff. It feels exhausting and scary and I just want to give up a lot of times. I look at other saved people and really wonder if it’s easier for them…if people can really truly live for Jesus every day and not feel like just throwing in the towel. I sometimes think it’s easier to live like those who aren’t believers. I question God internally and out loud. I question His Word. I question whether He knows me better than I do and if His plans really are to prosper me and make me better. I question if He can even be trusted. How dumb is that to even let be known to the public? How dumb is it to question the One who created me from scratch and knows the depths of my heart better than I do??
Romans 9:19-20 (NLT):
19 Well then, you might say, “Why does God blame people for not responding? Haven’t they simply done what he makes them do?” 20 No, don’t say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, “Why have you made me like this?”
What the heck do I look like trying to make God come down to my level and adjust His plans to fit MY agenda? What do I look like not letting Him in the very places of my heart that He made? What do I look like questioning anything He says in His Word or even trying to explain that I’m not able to be changed?
I look like a fool and I feel like one, too.
When it comes to God and the Bible, it’s puzzling and sometimes frustrating. The Bible itself has so much going on in it that the only way we could ever possibly come close to understanding it is by getting up close and personal with the One who inspired it—God. I’m sure a majority of the world questions every word in it. We question it’s validity. We think it’s outdated. We question the realness of Jesus Christ and what it looks like to follow Him. We want to pick one thing out to follow and ignore another. The blessings of God? Yes! I love the sound of that! Forgiving those that hurt me? Not so much. You want to give me joy and peace? I’m all for that. But do you seriously want me to die to myself daily…really? Where they do that at??? Money, sexuality, marriage, love, free will, life’s questions…I think the Bible covers so much of that, but are we really willing to let that truth seep in? Are we really ready to open that door, doors we want no one in, to get true breakthrough, freedom, and healing? Or are we forcefully pushing it out so that we can be our own moral compass? I don’t know about you, but I am in no way, shape, or form in the position to choose what’s right and what’s wrong. I can have my doubts and questions all day, but questions don’t nullify the truth. Yes, it sparks conversations. It causes some pretty passionate debates, but the truth is the truth. My moral compass can’t come from me. So where can it come from? The greatest author of all time—God. The true author and finisher of my faith. Only coming to God, through Jesus, will I come to find the truth and the strength to open every closed door. Only then will I be able to stop the struggle and fight of closing things off and willingly give up my plans and my self so that God can do His work through me.
Yes, it’s true. I don’t fully get God. I usually want to do what I want to do and that’s usually the exact opposite of what He wants of me. I’m just being honest. What’s more is that I don’t like myself a lot of days. I wish I could change and I wish change came easy. I wish I was more open minded with people. I wish I didn’t carry the weight of past mistakes. I wish I wish I wish. But God created me. He created me to be His walking talking billboard. He created me with purpose and with a story of my own and even knew beforehand that I’d be a handful.
Boy, am I handful sometimes. But I am so thankful of His reminders that even I can be worked on.
I’m trying to work through finishing this book called, 30 Days to Understanding the Christian Life in 15 Minutes a Day. (Don’t make fun of my weirdness in books). I read something in the book that touched my heart. I’ll try my best to paraphrase. Imagine inheriting a gold mine. The gold mine says to you that it’s worthless and a mess. It questions why you would love it since it’s mixed up with dirty rotten clay and iron ore. It says it’s contaminated, ugly. But you tell it that it doesn’t see what you see. You let the gold mine know that it doesn’t recognize it’s worth. You tell it that even with its imperfections, you have great plans for it. You let the gold mine know that the dirty rotten clay and iron ore are temporarily mixed up with it, but that you’ll clean up those impurities and imperfections. You tell it that it won’t be an easy task; it will go through heat and refinement, but after that is done, there will be a beautiful, golden finished product. You will make it beautiful and it will make you rich.
We are that gold mine. Key is that gold mine. We gotta see ourselves through God’s eyes. It’s hard. I’ve spent years attaching my worth to things, titles, relationships and whatever that gives me a false sense of worth and identity. It will take time to get God’s truth of how He truly feels about me in my heart. On top of that, I’m scared, I can’t lie. Change hurts. Letting go of things I want to do that aren’t beneficial to me isn’t pleasant. I’m scared that God will call me to places I don’t want to go, reveal things I don’t want to share. I’m scared He’ll tell me to sever relationships that I don’t want to part with. It hurts to be molded and pressed and shaped. But, if you trust the one shaping you, if you know His character and know He only wants to see you shine, who are we to want different from that?
God sees me. He sees you. He sees your struggles. He knows your pain. He’s not some big guy in the sky keeping tally of all the mistakes you’ve made on His big jumbo chalkboard. Though, I sometimes picture Him being that way, I think it’s highly inaccurate. He’s with you now, cheering you on, wanting you to know Him, rest in Him, call out to Him, trust Him. He wants you to open up that Word and get to know His heart. He wants closeness with you. He wants to get into that locked up heart. It’s hard. I’m certainly nowhere near how I want to be, but I’m better than what I used to be and it’s thanks to Him. Let Jesus in. Stop locking Him out. To Him and in Him, we’re golden. If we open ourselves up to let Him do His work, this world will be changed and transformed right along with us; this world is crying out for your change. Let Him make, break, and shape you into that beautiful final product so that you can make Him rich.
3 thoughts on “You’re golden baby”
That blessed my soul
I’m just happy to be reading your writing again. The best part is how really illustrated what the tug of war with Christ is. Thanks for writing this amd I’m proud you decided to continue your journey to become an author.
I really can relate to a lot in this post. Thank you very much.