I’m a girl who has recently fallen in love….
What, did ya’ll really think I had a boo thang without blasting it all over social media to ya’ll first? Heck nah, lol!
Anyway, I’ve never been much of a makeup person. For the most part, I got some pretty decent skin (big ups to my dad for that). But man…lipstick? I just love it! I love how I feel all new and transformed by a nude lip color, or a bright red, or even a pop of pink. I feel like once I’ve put that color on my lips, I’m fully me again and ready to take on the day ahead.
As great as I feel outwardly just because of an overly priced tube of lipstick from M.A.C., I wish I could say the same about myself inwardly. I mean, with all that’s going on at this time, all the craziness in the world, and the emotional roller coaster going on with everyone, one thing that has been so heavy on me during this pandemic is the one thing I can never seem to escape, though I want to so so bad—the past me.
I speak on this a lot in my blogs, but I am one person that is constantly enslaved by my past. Being home more than usual has not helped that. I hate that I’m not perfect. I hate that I’ve held grudges. I hate that the one best friend that I held so close to my heart isn’t talking to me and my pride won’t let me fix things. I hate that I’ve taken inventory of past relationships or whatever you want to call them and I’ve been to blame for a person not staying or I’ve caused someone to hurt in some way and I can’t change it. I hate that I’m mean or that I’ve hurt feelings. I hate that I cut people off so quickly sometimes. I’ve slacked at church duties, parenting duties, just life in itself. I ain’t quiet with God like I should and it shows–my sleep is off, my relationships suck, and I just am not the best version of myself. I’m weighed down by why I ain’t further off, why I get overlooked, why I can’t shake the habits I swore that I would. I’m living in an emotional nightmare and I see Jesus’s hand to get me out, but I choose to wallow in the pit I’m in instead of taking Him up on His offer of true freedom.
Questions bombard me:
Why did this person not stay?
Why did I try to get ahead of God’s plans?
Why do I feel like I’m behind and not getting any closer to God?
Will I ever be in love again?
Have I completely messed up any plans God has for me? Is it too late to change? Can anyone truly change in their 30s?
What’s wrong with me???!!!
Ya’ll, sorry for rambling, but I’ve been a hot mess these couple of months.
I wish my past and all these questions would just leave me the heck alone! I mean, I can’t change my past and I can’t change any mistakes I’ve made. So why bother me???
BUT GOD!!! Though I can’t mask my past with lipstick, I can mask it with the Word of God.
2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT Version)- This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
Let that sink into your brain for a bit. Yep…go ahead. Let it marinate. Because I for one will often skim over that scripture and not really accept the truth behind it. I am a Christian. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and my Savior. I got full access to God because of my acceptance of Christ and because of Christ, I. AM. NEW. Say it with me, please: I AM NEW!
Do I feel new? Nope.
Do I act new? Not all the time.
Do I still feel the effects of my past at times? Of course I do.
But does God’s Word always trump my lousy feelings and my past playing on repeat in my head? HECK YEAH!
It doesn’t matter what I’ve done or haven’t done, the mistakes I’ve made that could fill up a library, the crap the enemy loves to taunt me with…what does my God say???
He calls me new and that’s what I have to cling hard to. When I took the hand of Christ, He took on my past sin and debt. He looks at me through new eyes. He knows I’ll have struggles. He knows I’ll mess up. But He also knows plans that I don’t even have an inkling about–plans that He made just for me. He knows that He’s got a path for me that will blow my mind. He knows greater is in store for me and that greater is in store for you, too.
My internal self don’t need no lipstick.
My internal self got Jesus, and Jesus beats M.A.C. any day.
My Heavenly Father, thank You for Your Word. I’ve seen that scripture time after time and I thank You that You know the moment that I need to read it and have it etched in my heart. You know me better than anyone. I feel so unloveable most days. I’m drowned in mistakes, hurts, dreams, and desires…so much so that it feels overwhelming. But there You are, always with arms open, waiting for me to bring it all to You. I hate that I can’t change things that have happened, but I love that You dictate my future. I love that You call me new. I love that no one is ever outside of Your reach–not me, and not anyone else. Teach me, teach this world, to depend on You, search Your Heart, and know You. I love You and thank You for reminding me that in You, ALL THINGS are made new.
Love you forever,