I don’t know how to embrace the b word.

Ok, soooo I have a problem.

This is a problem that I’ve had for years and one that I try to sweep under the rug and act like is no big deal. God in all His amazing patience is constantly trying to deal with me on this thing and like a kid with her ears plugged up and her eyes closed, I try to ignore this problem I have.

I hate the budget word.

Anytime I hear that dumb word, I wanna tune out whoever is talking to me and just pretend I got this unlimited amount of money just magically entering into my Regions account.

I don’t though.

It’s crazy. I’ve taken a financial fitness class. I KNOW what God expects when it comes to stewardship. I have a freakin’ mom who budgets like cray. I have friends around me who take care of themselves well, and can manage money like no other. But this chick?! Shoot. I just wanna spend spend spend and look like the wide eyed emoji later. My accountability partner, Bree, always talking about it, and I get it. She says when we know better, we should do better; I agree completely. But I don’t feel like hearing that. I don’t want to be held accountable in this area. It’s too hard for me. Just this week, I texted my sis, Alishia, because she’s an accountant and she reminded me this past weekend that we need to sit down and go over my budget. When I texted her about it, I felt like my insides were turning into prunes. Ya’ll just don’t understand how bad I hate budgeting, but I just really hate it. And I just know that once I sit with her, she’ll hold me responsible for keeping up with that budget.

Blah. Poowie. Ugh. As you can see from my descriptive words, I hate discussing this.

The biggest struggle for me is when my sis Brit brings this money topic up in our conversations. Brit, I love you to no end, but I don’t be wanting your wise advice. I don’t want it because it cuts through me. Brit tells me that I want a good man and I want him to be all amazing and great and good with money. She’s definitely right about that. But she also challenges me by asking me how could I want something from him (my future Trevor Noah look alike, lol) if I can’t do that myself. She’s right about that, too. Ugh. I hate it when she’s right. I want to be a helper to my future mate. I want to be a helper to my freakin’ parents. They help me out so much and that’s not fair to them that I’m so irresponsible with money and I expect them to just help when I’m short. I’m in my dang on 30s. That’s pathetic. 

The real truth is that I KNOW God be tellin’ me to stop spending stupidly. I feel like I hear this tiny tiny whisper when I’m at the store just randomly shopping for totally unneeded stuff, and I push it out of my head and replace it with my voice which boldly is sayin’, “Treat yo’self, Key.” I mean, it’s my money, right? I do with it what I want. 

Wrong, Key. You be soooo wrong on so many levels. 

Deuteronomy 10:14 (NLT): 

“Look, the highest heavens and the earth and everything in it all belong to the Lord your God.

1 Chronicles 29:11 (NLT): 

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness, the power, the glory, the victory, and the majesty. Everything in the heavens and on earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as the one who is over all things.

Soooo. Clearly, what I thought was mine, really ain’t. It’s God’s. So while I’m ballin’ out like I’m Steph Curry or somethin’, God lookin’ at me like I know better and should therefore, do better. I mean God has always been in the business of making us the stewards over what is His since the beginning of time. 

Genesis 2:15 (NLT): 

The Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it. 

God placed Adam smack dab in the middle of the Garden of Eden and held him responsible for taking care of it. I couldn’t imagine such a responsibility. God could have easily just spoke and made the garden care for itself, but He didn’t. He gave the responsibility to man. Now what if Adam had just said, “You know what God? Since this here garden is all mine, imma do what I want to do. If I feel like taking care of it, I will, but if I don’t, I won’t. Cool?” 

I’m sure God would not have been cool with that. I’m even more sure that God isn’t cool with the way I’m managing what He’s given to me. Like Adam, God has made me responsible for my little garden. And just like God knew Adam and what he could and couldn’t handle, God knows the same about me. God knew Adam would work that garden and take good care of it. He knew Adam wouldn’t play around with his responsibility. Even though I have no clue what God sees in me, He sees something in me to know that I gotta get this right. He has placed His trust in me. ME! He knows that I cannot just sit around and continue in my disobedience. I’m not built that way. He knows that my garden, my son, my family and friends mean something to me. He knows how I have dreams of investing in Kingdom projects, one day having my own business, and leaving behind something great for my son and future generations after me. Selfish as I can be, I love the people that are attached to me. I want them cared for. I want to help with that! God could very well be wanting me to save so that I could help those I love, the less fortunate, or maybe even my neighbor down the street. He could want me to know how to manage money well so that in times of lack, case in point, me being laid off, I’ll know how to handle having way less than what I was accustomed to making. God doesn’t want me squandering what I have. He doesn’t want me to spend now and think later. God always wants the very best for me. He wants the very best for my son. I truly, deep down in my heart, want to leave behind a legacy for my son. I don’t want to leave Ethan on this Earth with all my debt and bad habits. I really really want to do better in this area, and it’s time I put my big girl panties on and do this.

Daddy, Lord God, I have no idea how to budget. I don’t want to budget. I HATE budgeting, but I never want to take what is Yours and be wasteful with it. You have made me manager over not just money, but my body, my time, my gifts, talents, and resources. I don’t want to be a bad steward. I don’t want to teach my son bad stewardship. I want You to trust me with a little and a lot. This is me being completely honest with myself and with the world in saying I’m horrible at this stewardship thing, but I do want to get better. I surrender all. I surrender the thought that what You have blessed me with or given over to me to manage is all mine. No..it’s YOURS. I’m Yours, the money I hold is Yours, Ethan is Yours and everything and everyone existing is Yours, too. I pray You show me how to manage well, all that You’ve given me. Yes, I loathe that b word, but I love You. And because I love You, Lord, I will do my part in being better in this area. Thanks for Your continued patience and quiet nudging. Your Daughter hears You❤