I’ll admit that I been slippin.

Slippin on being better.

Slippin on my obedience to God in all areas.

Shoot. Slippin in my faith.

I been messin up!

I mean, I open the Word, claim to believe it and be changed and transformed by it, but I been lyin’.

If I truly believed, was truly changed, the same sins I do wouldn’t feel the same. The way I speak would change. I’d actually carry myself like the royal, set apart, chosen, treasured daughter of God instead of acting like an illegitimate child of the Most High.

I’m trippin. I’m slippin. I’m not ready to give all to God. I’m not ready for all He’s called me to. I’m not even ready for all He has in store for me.

I’m really not ready to be unstuck.

Take for instance my desire for more babies and a hubby. I talk to God about wanting this often. Yet if He were to drop my Adam from the sky and formed another kid in my belly tomorrow, would I truly be ready for all of that? Am I ready to share finances with another person, share a bathroom with someone who may leave hairs in the sink, deal with a crying baby in the middle of the night, along with raising my soon to be 10 year old son? Am I ready to be led? If I was told by my hubby, “No Key, you can’t wear them cutoff shorts you love so much” or “No Key, I don’t want you wearing wigs anymore, and I love your natural hair” would I truly be ready for a man to tell me that??

I’m not. I can’t even listen to my Creator and I’m gonna really sit here and fool myself into believing I’m ready to be led by a mere man?

I’m trippin.

To this day, God calls me, OFTEN, to drop everything and follow Him. Jesus is saying He’s tired of this on the surface, shallow commitment I’m giving Him and that He wants and deserves more and I keep tellin’ Him (not with my mouth, but with my actions) I’m not ready. I’m not ready to give all. I’m not ready to let go of my vices. I’m not ready to be sold out for Him. I’m not ready for what I’d have to give up to follow Him. I’m not ready for what He may want me to reveal about myself or my past. I’m not ready to have any kind of tests or trials that come against those who are really trying to follow Jesus with their whole lives.

The cost of following Jesus is just too much for my mind to handle.

I battle with this internally, though. I mean, it’s Jesus, freakin’ Jesus! On one hand, I’m scared to death of following Him because I don’t know what the outcome will be. The unknown just freaks me out. But on the other hand-why would I not want to follow Him with my whole life?? He gave all, so why can’t I give all???

Galatians 1:4 (NLT):

Jesus gave his life for our sins, just as God our Father planned, in order to rescue us from this evil world in which we live.

Jesus gave His life to rescue me. ME. I should willingly give myself to Him just off the simple fact that I owe Him that. But what’s making me say no? Why won’t I just take the plunge?

I won’t because I don’t know who I am to be honest and I don’t even know God like I think I know. If I really did, I mean really, I’d stop being stuck on my past. I’d know that though the guys I’ve dealt with in my past may have made me feel rejected or that I’m not enough, that should never shake me because the Creator Himself made me, chose me, and called me by name. I’d realize that I don’t have to compare myself constantly to other women that I admire or even women that I don’t. I’d stop punishing myself mentally by thinking I need to be more soft like this woman, dress just like this woman, parent like this woman…I’d stop falling into that dumb comparison trap. I’d stop thinking a change in a relationship status defines me. I’d stop thinking I’m not enough. Me not truly knowing my worth, value, and identity is causing me to stay being stuck like chuck and feeling unequipped to be all in for Christ.

What else is causing me to not be ready? What’s the number one thing that’s causing me to be stuck and stagnant in my faith?

Fear.

Fear because when you really really give your life to Jesus, your whole world changes. Jesus doesn’t just want you to say with your mouth that you follow Him, He wants all of you to follow Him. That’s hard. It truly is because if we can really be honest, who wants to give up their agenda, their plans, what they want to follow someone when we don’t even know what the outcome will be? I don’t know what the outcome will be.

Look at Peter. Oh how I love the disciple Peter. Peter was a fisherman that Jesus called to follow him. Peter, along with others, helped establish Christianity. But I highly doubt Peter knew what would come of his life.

John 21:17-19 (NLT):

¹⁷ A third time he asked him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Then feed my sheep.

¹⁸ “I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you and take you where you don’t want to go.” ¹⁹ Jesus said this to let him know by what kind of death he would glorify God. Then Jesus told him, “Follow me.”

Did he know the cost? Was it worth it to him? I’m sure he never saw that in the end, his following Jesus and spreading the gospel would cost him his life. It’s said in any research I’ve done on Peter that he was martyred for his faith by crucifixion. Furthermore, it’s also said that Peter refused to be crucified upwards as his master Jesus, and so he requested an upside-down crucifixion.

I couldn’t imagine that death. I couldn’t imagine that Peter knew that this would be the cost of him following Jesus. And yet, a big part of me feels that Peter did count the cost and to him, Jesus was worth it. Jesus still is worth it.

Jesus is worth it because He gave His own life to set us free. He’s worth it because in Him, I find freedom, I find solace, I find myself. Jesus is the only One that can hold me together. I’ve never seen Him, but I think I know Him. I know that He loves me deeply. I know that He can’t get enough of my talking, lol. I know that I can tell Him about the same dumb stuff over and over and it never gets old to Him. I know He comforts me when someone hurts my feelings or when my heart is broken. When I cry out to Him and I don’t even have the words to say how I feel, He’s right there in the trenches with me. I know He carries me when I can’t carry on myself. He is my strength, my heart, my rock. He is so worth it. And because Peter actually got to see Jesus, touch Him, hear Him, love Him, I have to know that he counted up the cost of giving his life over to Jesus and he realized Jesus was indeed worth it. His life, his agenda, his plan no longer mattered. All that mattered was following Jesus. So he followed, and so will I.

I don’t know about other people, but I’m so sick and tired of living this raggedy life. I’m tired of thinking that I can’t have God’s best until I reach heaven. I’m tired of reading the Word and having it tell me the amazing creation I am and then walk out into this world and let social media define me, or the devil define me, or people define me. I’m sick and tired of people bondage, my negative mindset, and allowing my circumstances and situations to have my faith be flaky.

We as believers no longer have the luxury of telling the Lord to wait. Do we not see what is going on in our world??? Do we not know how crafty the enemy has been and how cunning the enemy is becoming? People’s minds are being attacked. People are thinking God has forgotten them and us. People are losing hope and morals. We don’t have time to sit around and be stagnant. We gotta be the change that we want this world to be and this chick wants to leave a mark on this world for Jesus. I’m counting the cost. I’m looking over my life. I’m wanting more. I need more. I have to follow Jesus. Call me extra, call me a Jesus freak, call me whatever you want, long as you called me saved because I can no longer play the game that the enemy is playin’. I just can’t. Too many people need our obedience and too many people are watchin’.

Lord, I truly feel like now, I know what the cost of following You is and is it worth it?? Shoot, yeah. I go after all this stuff here on Earth–a man, followers, material things, validation from people–all this stuff that I can’t even take to Heaven with me anyhow. It’s time to stop playing. Because all I want is to get to Heaven, have my family in Heaven, see my friends in Heaven. Yes, following You Lord does scare me, but what scares me even more is dying and not getting to live in Your Presence forever. I want to be able to stand before You and hear You tell me, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I want to experience my Lord and Savior, Jesus, looking at me and calling me by my name. That right there is worth the cost of my whole life. Jesus, You’re worth it to me, now and always.💛