I probably need to stop telling God I love Him.

I’m serious. If you really love someone, like reallllyyy love them deeply, how would you show it? Would you ignore that person when they call you? Would you lie to them or cheat or just treat them like an afterthought? Would you break promises to them, not show up when they expect you to, consistently forget to say thank you when they do nice things for you?

If this person that claims to love you so much did any of the above things I mentioned, would you really think that person loved you?

Welp, that’s how I do God most times. I do all of that and then some and then wanna stroll into church on Sunday and act like it’s all good. “Here I go, Lord. I love ya. I’m worshipping, I’m serving. I deserve a gold star, right?”

Wrong, Key. Wrong. Love isn’t supposed to be like that.

Love should look a whole lot different than what I’ve been showing.

Lord, Your Word be trippin’ me out sometimes. I say that because it often tells me to do things that I deem impossible.

Matthew 22:36-38 (NLT):

³⁶ “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”

³⁷ Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment.

How in the WORLD do I love God that way???

How do you love someone that deeply, especially someone you have never seen???  I have no idea what He looks like and sometimes I question whether I truly have ever felt His presence. I mean, I know I have, but my doubts get the best of me most times and make me feel like maybe my mind was playin’ tricks on me or something. How do you fully give yourself in that way to someone, trust them with your whole heart and very being like that when you don’t even have a clue where to start? How????

I really don’t know. I’m stuck most days. I’ll be real—I’m stuck A LOT of days.

But God. He doesn’t leave me stuck for long.

I love God. I really do. Man, I hate that I don’t always get this love thing perfect with Him, but when did God ever say that I have to love Him perfectly?? He has never said that to me.

God knows me. He knows me so well, that He knows parts of myself that I don’t even know. He knows I need words to make me feel special. He knows I’m soooo big on words of affirmation. He knows I will smile ear to ear if I get any good morning text telling me I’m beautiful. That’s why I’m glad I can wake up to Him and His Word and read:

You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way-Song of Solomon 4:7 (NLT)

He knows I get scared. I let fear get the best of me and I wanna shut down. So you know what? He pushes this in the forefront of my brain daily:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT)

He knows I feel defeated DAILY. When Ethan is acting up or I’m struggling at work, or I’m just plain tired of life. He says:

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. Romans 8:37 (NLT)

He knows I beat myself up about literally everything. He knows I want change to happen in me overnight and that I hate that sometimes the habits I’ve had over the years take longer than I think they should to be broken. (Man, He knows my freakin’ impatience is insane, lol). He knows I replay my mistakes in my mind and I feel like He won’t forgive me. So He says:

²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.
²³ Great is his faithfulness;his mercies begin afresh each morning. Lamentations 3:22-23 (NLT)

He knows that I have this really ugly habit of comparing myself to other people, especially women at my church. I mean I go to church with some bomb women, ya’ll. They are beautiful, amazing, godly, fierce, confident, and all glowy and stuff. I look at them and feel inferior. Yet, when I feel this way, God’s Word says—

¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
¹⁶ You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed. Psalm 139:13-16 (NLT)

He is such an amazing Daddy. He loves to hold conversations with me. He lets me cry and He gives me comfort. He sends people my way to ensure I’m ok. Even when I don’t say that something is bothering me, He finds a way to get it out of me and address it gracefully. He is the love of my life. He is the One that can get inside my heart and never escape from it. He knows my deepest fears, my struggles, my triumphs, my losses. He knows me. And because He knows me..the REAL me, I love Him even more. I don’t have to hide with Him. I don’t have to pretend. I don’t have to keep my feelings in. I can be myself. Just the other night, I just sat at His feet trying to pray, and I cried because earlier in the day, someone really hurt me. I just sat there, and I didn’t even have to say a word because He knew how I felt and He knew I couldn’t even voice the hurt, so He just let me sit in my feelings. (Sometimes, I gotta just sit and process how I’m feeling and God knows it, so He allows me space). After that, I wiped my face and got back to our time together. That’s love. That’s a real relationship. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be this quizzical and puzzling thing. I get mad with God. I get frustrated. I get giddy and excited. I get tired. I get happy. I sometimes question Him. I’m sure He does the same with me, lol. But all that I just described are emotions you have or should have at least one time or more in a relationship experienced with someone you love. If you have not, I have no idea what kind of relationship you’re in, but it may not be love. Love is wild and passionate and wonderful and frustrating, and exciting. I got all that with God. It’s crazy to use those words, but it’s so true. Man, I didn’t even realize the love I really have for Him till I typed it all out.

Wow.

I still think that I don’t know how to love You, God. At least not in the way I think that You deserve. But I have all of my life and after that to learn how (You know I plan to spend forever with You, even if I gotta be a janitor sweepin’ the golden streets, lol). You are my everything. You are my hope, my strength, my joy, and all that I need to make it each day. In my mess ups, You give grace. When I don’t talk to You for days on end, You just sit back, knowing that I can’t be away from You long. It’s crazy the love You have for me. Man, to know that You and my Savior, Jesus, got my back every single day, that ya’ll don’t sleep or slumber, to know that Jesus sits on the right side of you God, constantly interceding for me and others, is freakin’ wild to me. I’m amazed at how You love me. I will try to treat You better and show my love for you in a way that shows up in my habits, my life, and the way I treat others. I may not know how to love you, but I do. Please know that. Nothing and no one has my heart like You do and thank You for loving me and for forgiving me every day.

Yes, I don’t know how to love God, but He sure as heck loves me, and for that, I’m forever grateful. ❤

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