Take me to the deep

I don’t know how to swim.

Don’t judge me. I’ve always wanted to learn, but I just never really got around to it.

Now not only do I not know how to swim, but my biggest fear pretty much ever is that I’ll be on a bridge one day and that it’ll collapse and I’ll die. (Yeah, I get pretty dark and vivid in my head sometimes).

As bad as my fear of drowning is, I still love looking at beautiful bodies of water. I will still head on to one of my favorite places (NEW ORLEANS BABY), even though I hattteeee that long bridge we have to cross to get there. I will even go on cruises for days just to relax and get away even though I know that the boat will be right smack in the middle of a body of water with no land in sight.

Despite my fear of drowning, I always make time during cruises to just look out at the water alone, safely behind the rails wondering about the unknown and what’s beyond the water that I see.

Man. I think it’s been like that with my relationship with God.

Here I am, saying I believe in God and that I trust Him, but I’m paralyzed in fear, not wanting to move beyond the rails of life because I have no idea what the outcome will be.

The deep waters terrify me. And it terrifies me that deep waters are exactly where God may be calling me to.

I figured if I stayed in this middle gray area I wouldn’t have to worry about attacks from the devil; I wouldn’t have to do the hard work of trying to grow and get better and surrender different areas to God. I could just chill in this middle place and I’ll be ok. I mean, I accepted Jesus in my heart, so I’m saved and that’s all that matters, right? If I truly don’t make too much noise or say too much about Jesus to people, I won’t have to worry about tests and trials coming at me because that only happens to the real saved saved folk. Right??

What the heck is wrong with my way of thinking.

I have realized when I take inventory of my life, EVERYONE, whether a believer of Jesus or not, will go through tests and trials. It’s a given. If you haven’t yet, just keep living. It’ll happen one way or another. In addition to that truth I just dropped on ya, no person (believer of Christ or not) knows the outcome of our lives. We have no idea what will happen today, tomorrow, or years from now. We can plan and plan and plan (and I’m a girl who is alll about checklists, plans, structure, and schedules), but only God knows the outcome of every single person’s life. So if I know this, why should I be sitting around subjecting myself to going through this tough stuff alone (and even the joyful stuff) when I have a mighty God who tells me that I basically don’t have to go at this stuff alone??

Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)-

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

Ya’ll Isaiah 43 is soooo good and got some real gems in it! I encourage you to read the whole chapter in different versions (NLT, ESV, NIV, and EASY are some of my go-tos– big ups to my girl Bree for putting me on that EASY version).

Seriously though ya’ll, re-read that. When we enter in those deep waters, we ain’t even alone. The enemy may try to trick us into thinking that we are, but we aren’t. Let that soak in. You and I are never ever alone.

When my heart was broken, God was there.

When I’ve felt rejected and lonely, God was there.

When I’d stare at Ethan as a baby and look like what the heck am I doing being a mom? I can’t do this. God was there.

He’s there when you get that promotion. He’s there when that loved one passes away.

He’s there when your friendship is shattered and he’s there when you feel the excitement of meeting someone new.

No matter what we face in this life, my God, YOUR God, is there. We may not always feel Him or hear Him and it frustrates me so much that I can’t touch Him and physically hug Him, but He’s there. (And I’m definitely getting my hug when I see Him in Heaven one day, lol).

So, you have a choice. Will you continue on in life, battling and struggling alone, or will you accept Jesus while you have the time?

Isaiah 43:10-11 (NLT)-

“But you are my witnesses, O Israel!” says the LORD. “You are my servant. You have been chosen to know me, believe in me, and understand that I alone am God. There is no other God— there never has been, and there never will be.

I, yes I, am the LORD, and there is no other Savior.

There is no other Savior. There is no one better to do life with. Choose Him and choose Him now.

I myself am tired of the shallow end of the water. I am so sick of this on the surface faith.

Father God, I’m ready to get beyond these rails.

Father God, I am ready for deeper.

My Daddy in Heaven, I can’t thank you enough for loving me like You do. You’re so patient, so kind, and oh so faithful. At first glance, those deep and unknown waters appear so dangerous and scary. But like mama reminded me recently, YOU hold my hand. And because You hold my hand, I have nothing to fear.

I’m really trying to get serious about us and I fear that in this journey, I’ll be looked at crazy, I’ll have my past thrown in my face, others may call this a phase, and maybe some will stop friendships with me. If that’s what it takes to go deeper with You, then those are things I’m willing to deal with.

Certain people have and will be blocked and the way I date will change so I very well may be single a lot longer than expected. But in the words of my uncle Eric, “You know what? I don’t even care. “

I’ve spent so much of my life being the girl who claimed to follow You, but never did, the girl who said she trusted You but didn’t, and the girl who faked her way in religion. This girl is done. I want to follow where You lead. I want to trust You even when You give no explanation or I don’t understand. I want to be a girl after your own heart.

Reawaken in me that child like faith I used to have, God. Jesus, help me to love like You, forgive like You, and show up for people just like You did while on earth and just like You still do today. You’ve been calling me to deeper for a long time now and for so long I was scared. I hear that you deliver people from all their fears, though. So ready or not Lord, here I come. I’m ready to meet you in the deep.

Forever Yours God,



God, I just so want to know you…

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