I freakin’ hate dating. Like, I don’t think you understand.

I feel like the creation of dating at the age of 33 is some joke that was created without a punch line in mind.

If you saw just how hard I have to work my way into some blue jeans, how I have to bother my brother’s girlfriend to make sure my wig looks decent, how I have to figure out in my mind what topics are cool to discuss on a first date and which are off limits—YA’LL..IT’S EXHAUSTING! Forget the “free meal” thing. To be honest, I can fully enjoy taking myself out to eat to avoid the pressure, stress, and anxiety I get every single time I say yes to a date.

Anyway, I recently went through the tiring first date process. Here I am, nervous as all get out, feeling beautiful (yet stressed), and hoping with all hope that God will make sure that this date isn’t weird or awkward. Turns out, the date was great! Great convo, good food (seafood, duh), the jokes are actually funny, so I don’t have to do that weird fake laugh thing. I mean we had so much in common and I was actually enjoying myself.

But then comes the mention of faith. (Oh, boy)

Faith is such a touchy subject. After a brief discussion on it, I felt like the date had this unsaid flatness to it all of a sudden. Maybe that’s how I processed this in my mind and I could very well be wrong, but that’s how it felt.

Now ya’ll, I’ll put it out there that my faith is super important to me. But I promise you that I ain’t lookin’ for no apostle Paul. I’m really just wanting someone who can confidently express their faith in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I desire a man that will lead and be capable of leading our family with God’s help, a man that will push me and my son closer to Jesus, not further from Him. I mean, yes, I do want him to be easy on the eyes, but when a man got their faith together, it just for real makes you have an unexplained attractiveness anyway. (I can’t explain it; Jesus just looks good on people).

But seriously–is that so much to ask? Is that an impossible find these days?

Maybe it is.

It’s so hard. At what point should I compromise my faith so that I can make a potential partner more relaxed around me? I get that religion is such a no no to some on a first, second, or maybe even a third date. But at 33, I cannot afford to be wasting all this time (and the seams of my jeans can’t take too much more wastin’ time either because at some point all the squeezing into them will probably cause them to revolt).

After the date, I explained to my mom that to me, my faith is a non-negotiable and someone’s lack of it in Jesus is my deal breaker.

It has taken me sooo long to be comfortable in that statement. I’ve tried dating the “spiritual” guys, the guy who says Jesus was just a good prophet and nothing more, the guy who barely scratches the surface of his faith, and the guy that thinks he can go on in life daily without picking up a Bible on any day outside of Sunday. I just can’t no more. I can’t settle and won’t settle anymore. If we become a couple with two different visions, how in the world will we get to a successful end? If my focus is Jesus and your focus is elsewhere, we’ll constantly be at odds and I’d rather be alone then to go through that struggle.

I love my peace too much.

I get so tired, though. I’m tired of being the girl that loves love and can’t find it. I’m tired of my brother lovingly joking that I just need to find a guy the regular way (what the heck is the regular way these days) while he gets to cuddle up next to his boo everyday. I’m tired of asking God when or if my time for love will ever come. I’m so so tired. And to be honest, I fear that if love does finally come, I won’t have room for it. I’ve been so focused lately on being serious about the Lord and I don’t want anyone coming in and messing up our mornings together. I don’t want anyone making me feel like I’m doing too much when all I wanna do is just live for God and have people just accept that. I have no idea how I’ll fit loving someone unselfishly in my life, all while being a mom, working out, working my normal job, working on my dreams, cooking, cleaning, church activities, reading, catching up with family and friends, etc. Man, I feel like I already don’t have enough time in the day. I want love and I want it bad, but I don’t want it at the cost of my sanity, my relationship with God, and my focus on being a better Key.

Will I ever find it though–love? I’m exhausted and I feel like dating now is hopeless. I’m scared that love will keep passing me by when all I want to do is just belong to somebody.

Isaiah 43:1 (NIV):

But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

Wow. I can’t believe all this time, I’ve complained and stressed and worried about belonging to somebody and I already do. Yes, I know it’s not the exact same as finding love with a man who’ll kiss my forehead, hold my hand, and help me with Ethan. But still, to know and see in the Word that I am God’s….man, it’s life changing.

I am God’s, and you are too.

I am His.

You are His.

No matter what stage of life I’m in (and I get so very frustrated at this stage in my life), I’m His and no situation or person can change that. And because of this truth, I have nothing to fear because God sees me completely, knows me deeply, and will protect my heart at all costs. I don’t have to water down my faith. I just need to up my assurance in my God. He knows the exact time, date, and all the in between details of who I’ll actually end up with (if that’s His plan for my life), so why should I be sweatin’ this?

God got it handled.

God, I thank You that You call me by name. I thank You that You call me Yours. To belong to You is too much to even describe, but I’ll try with the descriptions most important to me. To belong to You means I’m deeply loved, I’m adored, I’m cherished, I’m chosen, I’m beautiful. You give me life. You make every day better, every dream brighter, and every part of life meaningful. I love You so much. I know I stress and cry because I want a wedding day and the ring and all that stuff, but I’m thankful that You’re filling the holes in my heart and making new hopes and new dreams in the meantime. I can’t say thank You enough for loving me and being patient with me, but I thank You. Thank you for You. Thank You for hope. Thank You for Your word, and thank you, thank you, thank you, for calling me Yours. Can’t nobody ever take care of me like You do and for that, I’m greatful.

Love, Key ❤

I’m watching the Chosen and maaannn. When Mary meets Jesus, it is EVERYTHING! 🙌🏾

God makes me better!!!!❤