Motherhood: Can I be real for a minute?

I suck at motherhood. No really, I SUUUCCKKK at motherhood. Not only is my brain just not wired at all to be all in or 100% focused when my son is explaining how his day went or what a battlepass is for Fortnite, but I just don’t know what the heck I’m doing. I feel like I never have enough patience. I never have enough time. I never have enough softness. I picture in my mind that motherhood should look like some far off black and white show in some alternate universe in the Twilight Zone, where all moms are dressed like that mom from Leave it to Beaver, smiling all the time with fresh cookies in hand, with no hair out of place, no voice ever raised, always ready to offer help with homework and always ready to offer a kind and godly word of encouragement. Instead, my son Ethan got stuck with me. A mom that yells sometimes. A mom that sometimes forgets to clip his nails and toes and finally realizes it when his hands and toes look like they belong to Godzilla. A mom that has every intention on reading with him every night, but fails because this little engine could barely even make it to the train station since all energy was zapped from work, thoughts, and constant mommy worries. Ethan got stuck with allllll of this. I’m extra. I have unrealistic expectations. I worry about his friends and who will break his heart. I worry if I’m spoiling him too much or not disciplining enough. I just have no idea what I’m doing. But you know what God reminds me of every day? That He called me to this. HE CALLED ME TO BE ETHAN’S MOM. The good Lord could’ve chosen anyone to be his mom and He said, “You know what, I got just the little ball of energy for this tightly wound mama. He’s gonna teach her some things.” And boy, does he ever! There is so much out there in the world to freak out about, especially when it comes to raising our little ones, but we as believers have this special superpower that sometimes we forget about: prayer! Ethan has taught me how to pray and pray often! I ask God constantly to cover my baby. I ask God to cover me. I ask God to show me how to be a better mom. I ask God to forgive me when I’m short with my son. I ask God to help me extend the same grace to Ethan that He Himself extends to me. I ask God to help me to not live in fear regarding my son and the dangers of the world, but to protect him and help him to live out his purpose. I talk to God about Ethan all the time. This is one of the greatest things my son has taught me. Ethan has also taught me how to love, how to laugh, how to strive for more since I want more for both of us. He’s taught me that being a single mom can be tough, but it can be rewarding, too. I get to raise a little person who will one day be a big person that I got to pour great things into. I wake up sometimes amazed that I am a mom and that I’m still pushing, still loving life, still believing that God will show up big in our lives. For any mom, whether single or married, know this: God chose YOU for such a time as this. He knew exactly what he was doing when he blessed you with your angels. You may think that you’re not doing enough or showing up enough or that you just wish you could be the perfect version of yourself, but our kids see something different and so does God. They see us being amazing. They see us working to make life better for them. They see us making meals and following schedules. They see us literally being wonder women. I say all this to say that yes, I may feel like I suck at motherhood, but where I am weak, my God is strong. As long as I can depend on that truth, I’m good.

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