Ever had a broken heart?

If not, all I can say is what my mom tells me often, “Keep living.” (By the way, I HATE when my mom says that because she is ALWAYS right).

What’s crazy to me about broken hearts is that you think you’d never ever hurt that bad again. You vow to yourself that you’ll never allow another person to hurt you that way. You’ll never let your walls down again. You’ll be smarter next time, more cautious. You’ll set clear boundaries. You won’t take the baggage from the previous relationship with you and you’ll do all you can to make this thing work—You are a straight up liar. Because who can escape the amazing feeling of love? The butterflies in your tummy, the late night convos, the promises of love and laughter and vows to yourself that proclaim, “This is it; he’s gotta be the one this time.” Let me tell ya, when you get to your glorious 30s like me, any serious boyfriend you get, and you’re already telling God He might as well pick a wedding date because the search is over. Well, as we most often find out later, we plan, God laughs. My last heartbreak was the worst. I don’t even have a way to describe it outside of that. I pushed friends away. I stopped going to church. I’d cry at random songs that reminded me of him and how happy we once were. I’d cry at tv shows. I’d cry with just the thought of how much my heart hurt. I’d ask God to just take out my heart already. I’d rather feel absolutely nothing than to feel this pain. I mean, this went on for MONTHS. I’d be driving past my church, and my son Ethan (with his judgmental self, lol) would be like, “There goes church. When are we gonna go back?” “Shut up, Ethan,” I’d say. Sorry, but I was not tryna hear that at the time. I would think and replay everything over and over in my head. How I could’ve done more to keep this person. Why didn’t I try harder? Why won’t he call? Am I damaged goods or something? What’s wrong with me? Over and over that negative crap would be on repeat in my head. I just know the devil was having a field day. But then, something happened, slowly I might add, but it happened. I started getting up and trying to live life again. I started praying again. The same songs and tv shows that had me blubbering like an idiot could be enjoyed again. The friends I ditched, which let me tell you, I have the most AWESOME friends on the planet because I can be a piece of work, were the very people who helped piece me back together. (I love my tribe ya’ll because they could’ve easily told me to hit the door). I started enjoying and loving on my family. I started reading any bible app plan that spoke on identity and God’s love for me. I went back to church and started serving like crazy. I got boldness. I got confidence. I got comfy running to Jesus about any and everything. I started reading motivational books. I started listening to podcasts. I started encouraging others around me. I got my life back. It’s like God woke me up and lit a match to my butt. The Word says in Psalm 34:18 that the LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. (NLT version). No one knows that better than I do. My heart was broken in a way I never thought possible–a way I never thought I’d bounce back from. I was so mad at God. I wanted to know why he allowed this to happen. I questioned His love for me. I felt like He let me down. I realize now just how crazy I sounded, and God took all of that and just let me vent. But you know what? I’d go through that pain all over again to get to where I am now with Jesus. Now I see that the pain was worth it. Now I see that in your deepest sorrow, you find your sweetest song. I can honestly say for myself that God really is all that I need. He literally took each piece of my heart and fixed it, like only He can.

Just being all the way transparent, the last thing I was told by the one whose last name I wanted more than life was that I was broken when he met me. This is something that has so stuck with me because I will NEVER allow another man to tell me something so crazy. I am funny. I’m smart. I can wear my hair in a million different ways and look so different that sometimes my own church fam has to do a double take to make sure I’m me. I am a mom. I can be selfish, yes, but if I ride for you, I’m loyal for life. I am in no way, shape, or form perfect. But my Jesus is. He gave me my identity back. He showed me that I’m chosen. I’m called. I’m sought after. I’m the apple of His eye. I’m His Daughter. I’m His baby. I’m royal. How awesome is that???? The God of the Universe claims me. ME! And if He can claim my messed up, tow up self, He claims you, too! I’m hoping that telling this is freeing to someone else. Don’t think that you have to hold on to any bad relationship. Don’t think you have to change yourself to keep someone around. Don’t think that your life is over because he left. Singleness is not a death sentence. I used to think that, but not anymore. Yes, I get lonely, but my Pastor said this a long time ago at church and I carry it with me all the time. You may be lonely, but you are never alone. Wake up! Live! Go out with friends. See a million movies. Read a ton of books. Laugh A LOT! Yes, you can cry, but get your fine self up and step into your God-given purpose. All of heaven is waiting for you to do amazing things for the kingdom. Let your break up, be your breakthrough.