Oh, Lord. I’m such a hypocrite.

I clown the Israelites in the Bible every chance I get when in reality, I’m just like them.

One story that always freaked me out was where once again, the Israelites were grumbling and complaining about (of all things)–meat.

Numbers 11:4-6 (NLT):

⁴ Then the foreign rabble who were traveling with the Israelites began to crave the good things of Egypt. And the people of Israel also began to complain. “Oh, for some meat!” they exclaimed. ⁵ “We remember the fish we used to eat for free in Egypt. And we had all the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic we wanted. ⁶ But now our appetites are gone. All we ever see is this manna!”

Now, it’s crazy to me that yeah, they may have had all that variety of food back in Egypt, but they were dang on slaves! They were in bondage, but here they go missing some dang on items from the food pyramid. That complaining got them more than what they bargained for.

Numbers 11:31-34 (NLT):

³¹ Now the Lord sent a wind that brought quail from the sea and let them fall all around the camp. For miles in every direction there were quail flying about three feet above the ground. ³² So the people went out and caught quail all that day and throughout the night and all the next day, too. No one gathered less than fifty bushels! They spread the quail all around the camp to dry. ³³ But while they were gorging themselves on the meat—while it was still in their mouths—the anger of the Lord blazed against the people, and he struck them with a severe plague. ³⁴ So that place was called Kibroth-hattaavah (which means “graves of gluttony”) because there they buried the people who had craved meat from Egypt. 

Wow. WOWWWW! The very thing they complained about and then got, was the very thing that killed them. Ummmm…that scares me. I complain, complain, and complain some more over things I think I need or want or miss, and all the while, God is lookin’ at me like, “Am I not enough? Look at where I’ve brought you from?”

God, you don’t deserve my complaints and ungratefulness. You deserve better.

I don’t know what my problem is. Everyday God gives me exactly what I need, and I’m always looking at what so and so got or I’m always wishing for a bit more. I’m always seeking validation from the world, always looking back on my past and thinking–is living for the Lord really worth it? Wasn’t it easier to just live in sin? Everyone else makes it look so easy.

What the heck am I saying, though??? Why in the world would I want to leave my life of freedom and purpose in God, just to go back to the falsities of the world? Living for the Lord can be at times hard, especially when the world around you is making it seem like they living their best lives, but really, come on now. Life with God is soooo much sweeter. This world ain’t got nothin’ for me in reality. This world is being fooled and lulled by the enemy and I’m not being wooed by the enemy’s tune anymore.

What can living for the world or desiring anything from my past give me that’s better than what I’m getting now? Nothing. I look back and I’m like dang. I was broken Key for real. I still got some healing and growing to do, but I’m a whole lot better than what I was. I find joy in crazy things now that I didn’t before. Like with my son. I was so bitter for such a long time for having Ethan unplanned. But man. Sometimes, I sit in another room and I hear Ethan’s laughter and it just does something to me. It means my son has joy. It’s somebody out there with a kid or kids who don’t hear that. That alone should make my heart spill over with gratefulness.

I actually enjoy motherhood-I should be grateful.

I am saved, and I be havin’ fun with my saved peeps-I should be grateful.

I’m not my past-I should be grateful.

My son is alive and well-I should be grateful.

My bills be paid and I ain’t missin’ no meals (look at my chubby cheeks as proof, lol)-I should be grateful.

I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL!

I think that’s one of the enemy’s greatest tools in defeating us or maybe it’s the greatest tool in us defeating ourselves–ungratefulness. Because when you’re in that ungrateful mindset, you can’t see the good in all that God does. You are missing out on the simple and even major blessings of life because your mind is so caught up on what God didn’t do, what He didn’t answer, what did or didn’t fall through for you. When in reality, and maybe I’m just speaking for me, I’m GLAD God don’t answer every single prayer. I’m glad He don’t always come through when I want Him to. It teaches me to trust Him and not myself. It shows me that Key ain’t the one in control, but He is. And He sees the WHOLE picture, while I only see a tiny piece of the portrait. And when it comes to that, who would YOU rather trust??? The one with the tiny vision or the One who knows and sees all???

Oh God, my sweet Savior and Ruler Jesus, my precious Holy Spirit, I can’t do this thing called life without Ya’ll. I am so so sorry that I’m so ungrateful. If You were to sit me down and play out all the things that you’ve protected me from, all the times you protected my reputation, all the people you blocked me from knowing, all the toxic relationships you cut out of my life and why….I’m sure it would have me breaking down. I look back even now and think about how I was stuck in really bad relationships and I thought I had to settle, but You rescued me and showed me freedom and true joy. I think back on times where I was freakin’ out about a bill or shoot, when my dang car kept breakin’ down and I didn’t know what the heck to do. You came through…right on time. Right now, I have no job, I’m over 30 and living with my brother, and I keep wishing I was further along. WHY AM I SO UNGRATEFUL? But, shoot! That’s a piece of my testimony right there! I have no job, but You still providin’. I’m over 30, but I’m actually pretty happy and most days, I be thinkin, “Man, I really have such a blessed life, it really ain’t nothin’ in my life I need because God has covered every need and pretty much every want to be honest.” I’m living with my brother…that’s a blessing! I’m living with family and I LOVE my family and on top of that, I’m right around the corner from my parents…that’s my dream living situation right there (ya’ll…I really love my family..they the coolest, lol). I keep thinkin’ I should be further along..I am. I really am. I really am trying to live for God. In the past, I’d say I’m a Christian and just keep right on living my worldly life. Now, I still make mistakes, I do. But I’m trying to be more consistent and real with God. I’m really trying to have an authentic relationship with Him. On top of that, I never thought I’d be a blogger. I get blown away when people walk up to me and tell me that they enjoy my realness. I’m not worthy of this. I’m not worthy of God’s faithfulness or His love. But everyday I wake up (Lord, why am I about to cry just saying this), I wake up to God’s new mercy. I wake up to Him waiting to talk to me. He got other great people He could be choppin’ it up with–old presidents, famous people, Beyonce’ or somebody, but He be up wanting to talk to little ole’ me. He sits up wanting me to come to Him with my issues and not keep them bottled up like I normally do. He wants to heal me, love me, guide me, and provide me rest. Who do you know that wants to do all that for you even when you treat them like an afterthought???

I think the greatest and sweetest thing I should really be grateful for is that Jesus, freakin’ JESUS, is always praying for me and you. Did you know that?

Romans 8:34 (NLT):

³⁴ Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

Jesus. The One who died to take away the sin of the world is still having my back daily. I mess up with my tow up self, and instead of Him spending His time, chillin’ with His feet back, watching Netflix or STARZ or something (I’ll assume God got all the good channels in Heaven, lol) He’s praying for me. He’s talking to God about me. He’s trying to make sure I’m always ok. Man. That blows me away. What did I ever do to deserve a love so great? What did any of us ever do to deserve a God so amazing???

I don’t know how to be grateful, Lord. But I’m gonna work on that. You deserve better and You’re such a great God, such a wonderful Master and Friend, that I would be crazy to keep living my life in ungratefulness. I want You to consume my life. I want to wake up every morning with a heart that overflows with thankfulness. I am a walking, talking, breathing testimony to how good and faithful You are. I need to start acting like it. I’m sorry that I don’t always tell You thank you. I’m sorry that I’m so ungrateful. Hear my heart now, Lord. I’ll get this gratefulness thing right. Just watch.