When I was 16, my mom told me that the man that I had always thought was my father, wasn’t.
Wow. So, my brother and sister have the same dad, and I have a different one???
To some, this may have been mind blowing or life changing or earth shattering. Some people probably would’ve felt anger or sadness or had a ton of questions.
Well…I’m not some people.
When given this news, I was also given a choice. “Would you like to find your dad?” My response? “Nope. I’ve had a pretty good life. I’m cool.” I guess I never really thought that deeply about it. My mom had done such a great job at raising me and my siblings, and at the time, she had a steady longtime boyfriend that I felt kind of filled in the gap for what I thought I needed in a dad. So, I had no complaints.
What the heck was I thinking????
To be honest, if someone would have told me that despite my nonchalant attitude at 16, I’d meet my dad years later or that he and my mom would get married, I’d have bet a million dollars that they were wrong. But, that’s exactly what happened. Years later, I moved to Texas, while my mom and the rest of my fam was still in Mississippi. A friend of hers happened to ask if she had ever tried locating my dad. She suggested that she should try. Surprisingly, my mom did. She found him, of all places, on Facebook. She wrote him, and he wrote back. He said he had just moved to Texas. TEXAS. And not just Texas….Arlington! Where I was! My mom called and told me this and I didn’t know how to feel. “Do you want to meet him?” To me, the rest is history. When I first met my dad, it wasn’t some cryfest. I didn’t bombard him with questions. I just looked at him. I really looked at him. From just intently looking at him, I saw where I got my nose from. That smooth skin and pretty decent hair? All dad (sorry mom, but I did get that part from dad and I’m sooooo happy I did, lol). I love books, music, and movies. So does my dad. I wouldn’t win the best saver of money award. Neither would my dad. I enjoy having people around. So does my dad. It’s the craziest thing that all these years, there was a person out there who was so much like me and I never even realized what I was missing out on until I met him. I didn’t know that I really lacked anything until I began a relationship with him. I said earlier that my mom’s longtime boyfriend filled in the gap for what I thought I needed. No disrespect to him. He was a great provider, and he did what he could, but affection, hugs, and I love you’s were just not his thing. That’s what I missed out on. I missed out on the sound advice of my daddy. I missed out on his words of encouragement. I missed out on his laughter. I missed out on a lot. But we are so making up for it now. When I tell people the story of how I met my dad, they just don’t understand why I didn’t question anything or why I was never bitter. Maybe it’s because deep down I always had a father. The Word of God says in Psalm 68:5 that our God is “a father to the fatherless.” I find that to be so true. All those years that I went through life not having my birth father around did not crush me or destroy me because God has always been my Father. He has always protected me and covered me in my mistakes, my shortcomings, and my downfalls. When I didn’t choose the best relationships, He was there. When I felt like I couldn’t go on, He was there. Whenever I went for Homecoming Court, or the dance team, or the band, my Heavenly Father was right there, cheering me on, and I never even realized it until now. I am floored at my Heavenly Father’s love for me. Not only is He my father, but He saw fit to introduce me to my earthly father. How amazing is that?? I get emotional even now just thinking about God’s love for me.
Last month, I got the amazing opportunity to serve as a doorholder for the 2019 Passion Conference. Louis Giglio, the Pastor of Passion City Church, taught a message that I think will impact me for the rest of my life. He spoke about how our primary relationship with God is the relationship between a father and a child. Additionally, the enemy’s plan has been to shatter fatherhood, and in doing so, it causes us to have a jacked up perception of God being a father. I agree with that teaching 110%. So many people in the world have a messed up relationship with their father. Either they don’t know him or they know him and wish they didn’t. It’s heart breaking. If you feel this way about your earthly father, how in the world can you look to God as a good one? I really don’t know how to answer that. What I do know is that God IS a good father. He is! Nothing can change how I feel about that. Yes, I’ve battled things that only God Himself knows about. Yes, I have had great things happen to me in life, but I’ve experienced some valleys, too. Through it all, God has been good, and He shows His goodness in the most incredible ways. Just last week, my dad took my face in his hands and told me I was beautiful. I want to cry thinking about how much that meant to me. I’m a 31 year old woman who still desires to hear a man she trusts say those words and they came from my daddy. Imagine if I had been raised with words like that being showered over me on a daily basis. I’m sure I’d be a very different woman than I am now.
To anyone willing to read my words–If you don’t have your father anymore, if your relationship with your dad isn’t the greatest, if you don’t even know who your father is, remember Psalm 68:5. God IS your Father. God does love you. You’re His child. How could He not love His own? His Word is His love letter to you. Run to His feet. Let Him heal your heart. Let Him shower you with peace. He’s the best listener there is. Purpose in your heart now to refuse to the let the enemy fool you into thinking that you’re not loved. You’re loved more than you know. And to my dad, Aubrey Higgins, I love you, and I’m so happy God placed us together. Even if I had the opportunity to, I wouldn’t change a thing about our journey in finding each other. Love you to the moon and back.