Don’t stone me ya’ll. I’ll correct myself and say that MOST days, I’m not crazy about being a Christian. Hey, this is transparency at its finest, and I’m so for real. It’s so hard some days. It’s too much for my brain to handle, and sometimes it can be downright overwhelming. Let me explain why. I love happy hour. I mean I really loooovvvee me some happy hour. Whenever I get a boo, I lose my mind and throw Christian boundaries and dating God’s way out the window. Ethan’s dad and I aren’t exactly what you would call the Brady bunch of co-parenting, and sometimes I can be a real female dog to him if you know what I mean (Oh, and another thing. I don’t curse at all, but sometimes I want to….like I sooooo want to REALLLL bad and secretly sometimes I curse people out in my head *insert shock face emoji*).

I feel like people try to test me just to see if they’ll get a reaction from me. To be honest with you, most times they do. Like just the other morning, I spoke to this girl in the break room at work, and I KNOW she heard me, but chose to say nothing. We were the only freakin people in that baby sized break room. Why did I want to hit her up side the head with my bible scripted coffee cup? (Ya’ll, my cup actually says: “Colossians 3:15-Let the peace of God rule in our hearts.” HA! How ironic?!) Why do I have so much rage over something so small? It’s because of stuff like this that causes me to feel like Christian living is a bit impossible.

In addition to all that I just named, I think what irks me the most sometimes is that when you say yes to Jesus, you get something called conviction. BIG TIME. When I’m in church, I feel a pull deep down inside myself sometimes, especially when my Pastor seems to be talking directly to me. Lately, my Pastor has been preaching a lot on things we have to let go of for God and how we can’t come to God any kind of way. He made it clear that following God costs you something. Basically, in a nutshell–the anointing will cost you. I’m so sick and tired of hearing that. Anybody that knows me knows that I love me some Heather Lindsey. When she verbatim said that the anointing will cost you, I could have just lost it. It’s gonna cost me. Cost me what? It may cost me friends. I KNOW it’s gonna cost me my favorite happy hour spot. It’s gonna cost me that stank attitude that I sometimes have with people. It’s gonna cost me changing my surroundings, what I do, what I say. I’m scared of that. I’m scared and terrified. Scared to lose friends because separation hurts. Scared it’ll cost me what I think I want..MY dreams. MY hopes. MY LIFE. It’s gonna force me to really die to myself and I love self. It’s gonna cost me no longer throwing caution to the wind in dating and literally saying, “Look busta, I gotta have me some boundaries.” Deep down in the ultra saved portion of myself, I literally don’t want to kiss or do “it” at all anymore until my wedding day, but if I tell a potential bae that, I fear I’ll be looked at like, “Where they do that at?”

I’m freaked out because I have no idea what God is calling me to and I really want to do what I want to do. In my mind, I want a hubby that looks like Aquaman, a sibling or two for Ethan, a teacup Shih Tzu named Peter (ya’ll Peter was my fave disciple—he was a thug, ha), and a nice home. I want a decent job with good pay and I want to just play it safe. But what if God is calling me to do something else? What if God’s plan is that I never get married or have any more kids? “But God, “I say, “You know at my last checkup I cried to my doctor because I want more kids, but I have no prospects anywhere, and anyone I’d just go ahead and settle for, You just won’t let it ride.” Seriously ya’ll, I literally cried real tears and my doctor had to console me and let me know I’m not past the age of hopelessness when it comes to having more babies. I feel God pulling me in a different direction than what I ever thought I’d want and it’s so scary to me that I don’t even want to type it out for the world to see because of all the what ifs. God, what if???? I don’t know. I have no clue. God knows I’m a planner. I like knowing the next steps. I like being in control. And then the Word has the audacity to tell me to submit and trust. Submit to an authority I have never seen, who I only assume I feel and hear, but am never 100% sure, and die to myself daily. Really? REALLY? What if this is all for nothing? What if?

Before you write me off, let me ask this: Ever heard “Reckless Love with Steffany Gretzinger?” Every word in that song is the reason why I keep pursing Jesus and keep trying at this Christian life even though sometimes I drive home crying, telling God that I just can’t do this anymore. There’s a part in that song that so makes my heart melt and reminds me that I can’t give up: “There’s no shadow You won’t light up, mountain You won’t climb up, coming after me. There’s no wall You won’t kick down, no lie You won’t tear down, coming after me.” Read that and let it sink in. There is NOTHING the Lord won’t do to get you. Every time a friend or guy hurt me to my core, He was there calling out to me to come home. When I feel alone, He’s my comfort. When I feel like I just can’t deal and want to hide in a bubble from the world, He is patient and kind enough to let me sulk until He’s like, “Ok, Key. Enough. You had your time, now take my Hand and let me help you up.” When I crack open that bible, I get reminders like Philippians 1:6 (NIV) “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” I’m wowed by Ephesians 2:10 (NIV) saying, “we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” God knew I’d struggle. He knew I’d get tired. He knew, but He still wants me to push forward because there’s a purpose He assigned specifically for me and specifically for you, and He can see that thing through to completion! He made you and I, and He knows us better than we know ourselves! Because of that, I refuse to give up. Even with the bad stuff; I just can’t give up. I love the good, and I’ve hated the bad for so long, but I have to think of it like this–If I had never had my heart broken, I’d have never known Him as a heart mender.

Had I never been sick, I’d have never known Him as Healer.

Had I never been broke, I’d have never known Him as Provider.

Had I never been scared, I’d have never known Him as Protector.

Had I never been bound, I’d have never known Him as Chain Breaker.

He revealed my identity to me, healed my heart, and has changed my freakin life. I can’t let go. I can’t give up.

Even if that means I can’t pour it up pour it up no more. Even if that means dateless nights. Even if that means setting aside my stank attitude to extend grace and politeness to Ethan’s dad. Even if that means being looked at as extra or different, so be it. Some days being a Christian sucks because the weight of it feels to be too much, but GUESS WHAT?? I’m not alone. I got Jesus, and Jesus has my heart. I got other believers walkin this thing out with me. I can do this. I WILL do this. Not just for me. For my Ethan. For my family. For my friends. For my haters. For future generations that need to know that there are true believers out there who can and have totally surrendered to the Lord without a safety net. My Jesus, keep showing up and taking my hand whenever I feel like life is too hard. Here’s to eternity with each other—in this life and in the next.