Today is my birthday!!! (YAY ME! YAY GOD FOR CREATING THE BEST THING SINCE TROLLIS, LOL). But seriously though, the phase out of 33 grew me a LOT. What wisdom I’ve gained and some of my experiences have prepped me for this next chapter of my life.
Sooo, what does Chapter 34 look like for Key?
Well…it looks like a lot of change, a lot of growth, and I lot of me voicing what I need when I was so scared to do so before.
It’s me reflecting on stuff I’ve learned, some of which I’m expressing in this blog right now.
(It’s also me realizing I can’t eat trollis at 3am all the time or eat sweet Sonic slush ice and not workout lol. I wanna be an every season fine Key😂 and yes plain slush ice is extremely sweet y’all).
It looks like me taking a good hard look at myself and realizing that I ain’t always nice. I ain’t always present for Ethan. I don’t always appreciate my family or the blessings that I have. And that I get really really hangry 😳.
But it also looks like me loving who I am and the growth I’m experiencing. It’s me finding ways to actively show Ethan that I’m here, that I love him, that he matters to me. It’s me taking time out of a schedule that feels like there is no space, to set aside family time because lives are so fleeting and I want my family to know that they are my rock, they are my safe place, they are appreciated.
Chapter 34 looks like going to counseling. My first lady, sis. Nikki Goines, will forever be my hero. She gently suggested this and told me to go 100% in. I did and it’s showing. I was scared, but I’m so glad I took the plunge.
This chapter looks like me reflecting on going into my first counseling session and breaking down from the memory of my ex from 3 or so years ago telling me in a text that I was broken when he met me after I told him I felt like he broke me by leaving… I can’t believe that I’ve carried that with me all these years and that it hurt me so deeply. Not only that. I can’t believe that I believed him. I believed him over everything God ever said I was. It’s me hearing my counseler say, “You’re not broken, you’re hurt.” He was right. I was hurt and embarrassed.
Embarrassed that I dated this man a little over a year and never met one family member or friend and gave him full access to MY family, MY friends, MY church, and MY kid, all of which is a privilege cuz they are all some pretty amazing people.
I gave him access to me and my heart thinking this was my forever. And I wanted to marry this person, thinking it was the best I could get.
Dude, you’re gonna regret the day you let me go.
I say this with all confidence knowing that my God has so much better for me. So much so that He allowed me to be heartbroken for a season so that I could get here, to this chapter.
I’m grateful for the heartbreak and I’m grateful for recognizing that I was indeed a hot mess, yet I’m still capable of loving deeply and sincerely if given the chance.
Yep, now that I’m recognizing who I am and WHOSE I am, I’m in such a better place. A place where I feel whole, a place of real healing.
I’m healing and this healing is causing a glow I never imagined having on my face.
It’s me saying, “Key…you gotta put the bottle down. You gotta break this curse. You gotta be the one to say yes to God and no to drinking.” It’s me honestly taking an evaluation of my life and seeing that when I was sad, I turned to a drink. When I was happy, I’d turn to a drink. When I just wanted to treat myself, I’d turn to a drink. I was picking THAT over God and that’s not what’s up.
It’s me accepting what my homeboy told me that hurt, but was needed–getting drunk was so “not a good look.” Not a good look at all and alcohol just can’t follow me to the places God is taking me.
I have gone about 164 days without one alcoholic beverage (with the help of H.G./Holy Ghost). I’m proud to say that. I really am. This generational curse is one that will end with me. I never want my son to struggle with this or any other addiction.
Has it been easy?
HECK NO.
Has it been worth it.
ABSOLUTELY.
The drinking was just my way of dealing with deeper issues and suppressing stuff I just hate facing. Once I put that bottle down (and got some freaking therapy!!!) I was able to see and think more clearly. I was able to recognize that dang, the Holy Spirit really does reside in me and I can’t keep making Him sad this way. He’s too good to me.
Not only that, I was able to take my dating life more seriously and take an appreciation of my body and how God sees me.
And yes, this means NO SEX. NO nothing (and I’m talkin’ the other stuff that ain’t specifically covered in the Bible, but is definitely not God honoring…forgive any judgment in my writing. But as for me, all the other stuff we single Christians sometimes do to replace actual intercourse ain’t good for us either, just sayin’). And for us who out here single, saved, and STILL gettin’ sexed up (and yes, this did include me, so I can’t throw no stones), God has been pretty clear that sex is for marriage. I once read an IG post where one girl asked, “Is sex outside of marriage still a sin?” The response from someone else was, “Did God revise the Bible?”
Since He did not, I will try my very best (with the help of H.G., of course) to honor God with my body.
This chapter is me being vocal about my convictions (everyone these days is soooo vocal. Why can’t I join the club??) It’s also me being honest with me. It’s me letting go of the secret sins. It’s me being mindful of what I watch, what I listen to, and who I hang with. It’s me no longer caring if people think I’m doing too much or being too extra. I got to protect my peace and I got to serve my God. When I follow God, I’m at peace. I’m done letting people shame me for being saved just because our culture is going a different way.
It’s me crying when days get hard and even crying out to my tribe. God gave me sisters and community and relationships for a reason. I will cherish them and I will show up for them. They are my backbone. I love you tribe (aka the disciples, lol).
It’s me realizing that God places us in the right place, at the right time. This year I wanted to go to Passion Camp so bad. My finances were cray, but I made it and thank the Lord I went! I walked away with beautiful memories, amazing relationships and the realization that my Jesus bubble is the best place to be. My passion camp roomies–Sheryl, Paola, and Miranda are now forever my sisters. I am thankful for the safe space we have with each other and the fierce faith we share. I love y’all.
Chapter 34 is me looking at myself in the mirror and loving what I see.
It’s me knowing I ain’t perfect, but it ain’t about that. I serve a perfect God Who loves imperfect people and I’m one of them.
It’s me learning to trust God completely, though if I’m being honest, I’m not quite there yet. I love God, I love Him so much, but things in my life have caused me to side eye Him sometimes. But He knows this and He knows me and this doesn’t intimidate Him or surprise Him at all. One day, God will have my total trust, but for now, my days of trust tend to fluctuate. Still, to know God has my back and to know that He and I are in this journey together means I know I’ll be ok.
This chapter is me telling God that I don’t know if I’ll get that dream guy that I keep bugging him about (You know God, the one with tats and a beard and whose smile makes me melt into a puddle, lol). I don’t know if I’ll ever have another kid. I don’t know if I’ll get my bougie dream home with all the beautiful windows (like the one I love on Being Mary Jane). I don’t know if I’ll ever get most or any of the things on my prayer boards… I just don’t know. And I get so sad sometimes not knowing and waiting… I’m loving my life, but I often go in my prayer closet and cry. I cry because of the unknown. I cry because I really really wanna love someone (an adult male that can actually buy me a movie ticket–Ethan cannot). I cry because I see myself in this white dress, holding the face of the man that sees the real Key and loves me anyway. I see myself finally feeling safe with a for real godly guy and knowing he won’t leave or hold his heart back from me. I see a belly bump that I appreciate. I love my son so much, but I wasn’t happy during that pregnancy and I was embarrassed and didn’t treasure the moments that I could have. Ethan was such a good baby. It hurts that I didn’t appreciate that more.
But when it’s all said and done, whether my love story becomes reality or I’m forever single, I will be ok because I’m free, I’m loved, I’m called, I’m His. Me voicing that is not easy because I want what I want and God has really spoiled me, but I gotta learn that God sees EVERYTHING and He knows EVERYTHING. He saw me before I was born. All my days were written before one of them came to be. So because of that truth, I MUST trust Him and HIS plan.
Chapter 34 is me saying that one day, I’m gonna write a book and people are gonna trip out on my life—the struggles, the highs & lows, and how when it comes to love, I’m relentless (and maybe a bit coo coo, lol).
It’s me being the Key I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be–saved saved, walking in my purpose, loving my God, my circle, my family, my friends, and just loving people.
And it’s also me taking a wholllee lot of pics and acting a fool sometimes on social media 🙂
This was an unconventional blog post, but I can be unconventional sometimes.
This is me.
This is Key.
My story is already written by my God, but I’ve yet to live out all the pages.
Chapter 34. Key is ready for ya.
Sincerely,
Key, Beautiful and Loved Daughter of the Most High God♥️
(Bye bye 33, though the pics from age 33 make me happy!)