I wish I could do a poll of the world’s Christians to ask how often they sway in their faith.

I would probably be amazed at the responses…or maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t be.

For me, I think I often go to church, hear a sermon, get excited for just the length of the sermon itself and then I step outside and go right back to my doubtful, fearful, straight up stressed-out life.

I say often that I love God and I really really do.

But I can’t sit here and honestly tell you that every day I wake up with full confidence in God and His promises. I can’t tell you how many times I think to myself, “What if I’m doing all of this for nothing? What if I die and all I see is darkness? What if there is no Heaven? What if there is no afterlife for me to look forward to? What if, what if, what if?”

I truly and completely understand where Trip Lee is coming from in his lyrics below:

I threw my prayers to the ceiling

But I feel like you don’t get them for so long
You ain’t been there when I’m slipping
You seem indifferent while I sit here alone
Why don’t you care how I’m feeling?
I’m doubting, ’bout to be dipping ’cause you gone
Why should I wait for your healing?
You ain’t gon make me the villain in this song

And I’m just being real when I say
I don’t know if he’s just trying to dodge his promise, I don’t know
But I don’t know where else I could go
I don’t know if I can tolerate the silence, I don’t know
But I’m just being real when I say
I don’t know if he’s just trying to dodge his promise, I don’t know
But I don’t know where else I could go
I don’t know if I can tolerate the silence, I don’t know

-IDK by Trip Lee

I don’t know.

I’m lost.

The silence is frustrating.

Sometimes I ride in my car and I think of how in the heck am I supposed to raise my son with no manual? I really cannot stand his dad and yet I know my son needs him and it tears me up that I want to be this super parent to my son and yet I fail over and over every.single.day. I hate that I can’t force his dad to do this or do that and I hate that I will never be a perfect mom.

I got bills that overwhelm me. I am saying no to the drinking/sex/wrong environments. But now I can’t just numb myself in any of that stuff and just avoid me, the real me…I just gotta face me and face the fact that though I don’t need those bad habits and I feel freer than I’ve ever felt, I still miss that stuff sometimes. I often just wish I had an escape lever.

I want to be this bold, amazing, beautiful, secure woman, but I’m so far from that, it’s crazy.

I’m insecure. I second guess myself. I get frustrated and overwhelmed easily.

I am spoiled and when things don’t go my way, I’m internally ticked off.

I hate that my dream of doing my own thing full time, writing and traveling and getting fully out of debt seems like a mirage fading right in front of me.

I get so tired of trying to do stuff right when it seems like the wrong stuff others do have no penalties.

I am tired…tired of feeling like when I’m talking to God, that He’s just sitting still, looking down on me, doing nothing and not responding.

But God….

If I don’t have You, God, what is there?

I still have a screenshot in my phone of an old mentor of mine that committed suicide. I still think about him and it hurts that he did that. Man, even now, tears come to my eyes thinking about him. But in that screenshot was one of his last messages he posted before he took his life…he freakin’ posted some of his last words on dang on Facebook.

In it, he said, “Without purpose, meaning, or adding value, there’s no reason to go on…”

I hate that he was right and that he was alone when he came to that conclusion.

I hate that I failed him in not telling him the hope I have, even though my faith flicks on and off.

I just can’t get over how right he was.

And that’s why despite everything I wrote above, I gotta keep going. I gotta keep pressing.

Because yes, life hurts, and sometimes it straight up sucks, but then…

I see the sun shining through my windshield and I smile because I know God did that.

I look at my nephew stealthy show up at my bathroom door in his Paw Patrol robe and slippers and my heart gets so happy.

I get to hug my parents, kiss on my son, show up for my friends, and read the Bible without worry or fear of someone not allowing me that freedom.

I get to look at God’s Word telling me that I’m His masterpiece and that He got stuff that He BEEN planned for me to do (Ephesians 2:10). I get to see Him tell me that yes, life will be difficult some days, and I will go through some stuff, but He got me (Isaiah 43:2).

I get to see that NOTHING can separate me from God’s love and that His love for me (with every single fear, doubt, mistake, and frustration) will be everlasting (Romans 8:37-39 and Jeremiah 31:3).

I’m HIS child, His Daughter. He could NEVER forget about me.

So, while I’m on this earth, going through the ups and the downs, I will continue to walk by faith.

I will continue to be obedient. I will continue to walk by the Spirit and not by the flesh.

Because I DO KNOW, whether my feelings realize it or not, that GOD IS REAL. Yes, there will be tragedies in life. Yes, days will be hard, and we will feel like we can’t go on most days.

There will be injustices and sufferings and bad people doing their bad things and it’s a part of life right now.

But Jesus promised that though we will have trouble in the world, He has already overcome it (John 16:33).

We can either believe the Lord or reject His truth, but it won’t ever change the fact that He sees us, He hears us, He loves us.

As a parent myself, we don’t have to give an update to our kids on the plans we have for them. But any good parent, loves their kid and that kid should rest in the fact that we’re always working to do the very best for them.

Time for me to rest. Rest in God keeping me, loving me, and working things out for my good. He can handle my doubts, my questions, my fears. Because none of that crap is bigger than Him.

And because He will ALWAYS work things out for my good.

Time to believe it, Key. Just be still and believe.