Bruhhhh. The people of Israel in the Old Testament get on my nerves.

I’m serious. If you’ve never read Exodus, blow the dust off that Bible and get to reading. Grumble, grumble, grumble. Complain, complain, complain. I mean good gosh! What more does the Lord have to do to show you His Power???? He freakin’ parted the Red Sea for you heffas, and ya’ll STILL trippin???!

Exodus 16:2-3 (NLT):

² There, too, the whole community of Israel complained about Moses and Aaron.

³ “If only the Lord had killed us back in Egypt,” they moaned. “There we sat around pots filled with meat and ate all the bread we wanted. But now you have brought us into this wilderness to starve us all to death.”

Bruhhhhh! Ya’ll was slaves…SLAVES!!! And you wanna talk about the good ol’ days like they were really good??? You’d rather return to the mess instead of pressing in to the blessing? Ouch….wait a minute. I do the SAME thing. God tells me to stop doing something and I stop for little while then go right back. God wants me to surrender certain parts of my life and I’m like, “Welllllllllll, God. I’m not quite ready.” God is not to be played with, yet because of His grace, I keep trippin’ like He gone always be there. It’s so not fair to God. It really isn’t.

All the people of Israel really had to do was listen. LISTEN. Listen to God speak. Listen to God’s laws. Listen to God’s rules. Nothing He commands us to do is to hurt us. But, I, like them, choose to do something completely different. When was the last time I really listened to God? When was the last time I really intently sat still before Him to listen to what He had to say??? When was the last time I ran to God as soon as I was interested in someone and said, “Well, Daddy. What do you think? Is he a yes or a no?” I honestly don’t know because to be honest, I have no idea how to listen. I go through each day pretending to listen to people. I’m sorry to those who have had multiple convos with me, but it’s the truth. A lot of times when you’re talking to me, all I hear is that teacher from Charlie Brown saying “waa waa waa.” And it’s funny. The reaction on my face would have you so fooled that you’d think I was so into what you were saying. Ummmm, that’s not always the case. Most of my friends have to repeat things to me. If it’s not on a list or calendar, you’d probably need to tell me something a few times for it to stick. I don’t know why I’m like that; I just am. Guess it’s part of the weirdness of Key. But you know what? I don’t wanna be like that anymore. I’ve asked God to help me be a great active listener. I want to hear Him and His people clearly. I want to develop relationships and be all tuned in to what other people, especially God, have to say to me.

I think this is a major weakness the enemy is just overjoyed I struggle with. I think the enemy thrives off me not listening. He thrives off of distractions and smoke screens. I’m serious. I think because he knows I don’t listen to God like I need to, it gives him easier access to send me smoke screens. I looked up the definition of a smoke screen, and I was like, yeppppp. I run into those wayyyyy more often than I used to.

smoke screen/ˈsmōkˌskrēn/nounnoun: smokescreen a ruse designed to disguise someone’s real intentions or activities.

Man, Jesus. I’m so tired of the smoke screens. I seriously am.

It’s like I’m chillin and movin’ along just fine with Jesus and BAM. Smoke screen. Smoke screen be like, “Here I am, Key. You like cuddling. I got you. You want to discuss the Bible a bit and you want me dressed up just like you like, I got ya covered. Ohhhh, you want me interested in meeting your son and getting to know him? I am so there for you!” Yes, smoke screen. You do look nice and all, but are you really from God? No. But I keep falling for the ruse anyway.

I recently had to write someone a dear John text. *Sigh* It literally hurt every part of me to write it, but it had to be done. It sucks. It really sucks because I’m in such a good place in life, and I KNOW I want God’s best for me, but when I really really like someone, I try to rationalize their imperfections. I try to say well, Jesus, he may not know You, but that can change, right? I mean, it took me awhile to get to You, so why can’t it take this guy some time??? Oh, Jesus, I have my struggles too, so I can be patient and deal with his. Yeah, Jesus. He has this habit that I KNOW you ain’t pleased with, but I can change him. I can fix him, cool? No, Key. Not cool.

It’s not my job to fix anyone. It’s not my job to settle for the smoke screens when deep down, I want the real thing– the good and perfect gift that could only come from my God. I can’t keep settling for people that I know don’t fit God’s vision for my life, even if it hurts and even if it’s a relationship I really want. If I had to be 110% honest, and I hate to admit this, sometimes I don’t wanna listen to God. I wanna do my own thing. I wanna date who I wanna date, even if I’m super sure this dude is taking me off the path to my purpose (yes, that sounds dumb, but look, I like what I like, when I like it). Sometimes I wanna spend money on pointless stuff even though later I know I’ll be crying to God that I’m broke. Sometimes, I wanna go off on someone and repent later. Yes, sometimes, I. just. don’t. like. listening. But I serve a God, who knows me inside and out. I serve a God who is patient and who is so good and so awesome, that I am convicted to get right because I can’t do God like that. After alllllll that He’s done, after all the times He has held me together, and taken care of me, and kept me sane..I HAVE to be still and listen to Him. I have to respect His voice.

God, I’m struggling. I’m struggling with the smoke screens. I’m hurting over letting go of certain relationships..so much so that I cry over it. I think this walk gets really hard, and I need You now more than I ever have. I know You are worth every loss. But dang, Lord. The losses…they break my heart. I have so many dreams in this big head of mine. I have a book filled with them. I know I couldn’t have possibly come up with them on my own. I have a vision of how I think my mate (if that’s Your will) will fit into this dream of mine, but I’m lost and I HATE being lost. I hate not knowing what Your plan is. I’m also fighting against my flesh and I feel like my flesh is 3 and 0. Lord, I’m crying out to you. Continue to show me Your path to follow. Continue to be patient with me. Daddy, my God, I need you to remove the distractions, blow away the smoke screens, and check my hormones at the door. Create in me a pure heart, Lord. I know You, and I know I’m so close to what You have for me because so much is coming against me for trying to take us seriously. Help me to listen for real because I know You are NOT a liar, and Your Word clearly says in Jeremiah 29:12-13 (NLT):

¹² In those days when you pray, I will listen. ¹³ If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.

Lord, I’ll keep looking. I’ll keep searching. I’ll keep praying, till I find You. Just keep calling out to me. Trust me. I hear You.