One of my very favorite stories in the Bible is the one where some people woke up one day and decided to build a tower to basically make themselves great.

Genesis 11:1-4 (NLT):

¹ At one time all the people of the world spoke the same language and used the same words. ² As the people migrated to the east, they found a plain in the land of Babylonia and settled there.

³ They began saying to each other, “Let’s make bricks and harden them with fire.” (In this region bricks were used instead of stone, and tar was used for mortar.) ⁴ Then they said, “Come, let’s build a great city for ourselves with a tower that reaches into the sky. This will make us famous and keep us from being scattered all over the world.”

I can just imagine that I would have been right there with the rest of the crowd. “Yes! A tower sounds bomb! Let’s do this! If we get this done, we’ll be known and great and awesome and all the other adjectives that mean greatness, ha! Count me in!”

What’s funny is that we make the plans and forget that God is watching.

Genesis 11:5-9 (NLT):

⁵ But the Lord came down to look at the city and the tower the people were building. ⁶ “Look!” he said. “The people are united, and they all speak the same language. After this, nothing they set out to do will be impossible for them! ⁷ Come, let’s go down and confuse the people with different languages. Then they won’t be able to understand each other.”

⁸ In that way, the Lord scattered them all over the world, and they stopped building the city. ⁹ That is why the city was called Babel, because that is where the Lord confused the people with different languages. In this way he scattered them all over the world.

God was watching the whole time and saw the hearts and ambition of man. He stepped in and straight confused them and thwarted their selfish plans.

But hold up—where God be at when I’m building my tower, though???

I think I love this story because it’s so me. I wake up everyday building and building and building in my mind. I gotta do this to avoid being broke. I gotta make moves. I see this person blowing up, so why can’t I? What business can I start? How can I make more money? Build, build, build.

Most times, the plans for my tower include God as an afterthought. God, give me a brand. God, make my name great. God, get me more followers. God, where’s my coins at? More building, more planning. It’s crazy and it goes against the simple and life changing message in the Word of God, which is to just trust. Trust that God is working things out for my good. Trust that God will open doors that no man can close. Trust that God is preparing an amazing someone out there just for me and Ethan. Trust that God knows my dreams and my heart and that He’s gonna deliver on His promises, but on His timing.

Trust. I don’t know how to do it. It’s just that simple.

I hate to say it, I mean I REALLY hate to say this, but I just don’t trust God. Not fully anyway. He takes too long. He doesn’t give me the next steps in the form I want it in. He’s too silent. His moves are not always seen. It’s too much. I wanna trust, but my natural eyes tell me to build my own tower and ask God to bless it later. I am just now noticing how crazy I sound, but am I the only one who feels this way? Am I the only one struggling with this?

Lord, where are you, and why won’t you bless what I’m trying to build?

To be honest, while I’m off building on my own with my back turned from God, I’m basically saying that I don’t need Him…that I got this. I got the hammer and the tools and whatever else I need, God. You are taking way too long. I GOT THIS.

Wrong. So wrong. I don’t have it.

Being a Christian can really really suck sometimes, lol. Please don’t misunderstand. God is amazing. God is good. God’s grace is beyond my understanding and I’m forever grateful to be called a Christian. It just gets hard when I wanna go my own way and God gently calls me back to Him. That’s what amazing and sucky all at the same time. You see, when I gave my life to the Lord, that’s exactly what happened. I gave my life….my plans, my ambitions, dreams, and goals—they all went over to Him like some wacky bank deposit. I gave Him access to every part of me, even the parts I don’t wanna share and that I’m stupid enough to think I’m hiding from Him. I gave Him my heart. I gave Him my money (which is His anyway and an area where I still fight with God on daily). I gave Him the right to tell me, “No, Key. You can’t be with that person. No, Key. I said cut that off, so you know what you need to do. No, Key. That attitude and selfishness has no place here.” I GAVE MY FREAKIN LIFE. And because of that, I have to bow down to His voice and authority. It’s like a string is attached to my heart and it’s pulled on by God whenever I’m out of line. I love it, but I don’t. It’s crazy to explain.

With all this craziness going through my head, I get weary. I really do. I’m so tired. I’m tired of building. I’m tired of not yielding to the One who holds all the cards anyway. It shouldn’t matter how long He takes or if things don’t work out the way that I want them to. He is God. He is in total and complete control and that should be enough for me.

I have a friend that I’ve known for years through work. She is one of my saved saved friends. You know. One of those people who super saved, for real, lol. She is so strong and so funny and so amazing. She hears God so clearly and I get so jealous. She’s a fighter, too. She was diagnosed with cancer, but confidently told me that God told her that He’d heal her and that’s exactly what He did. She’s healthy and back at work preachin’ to me daily, lol. One day, she told me her favorite scripture and it’s now becoming mine, too because it pretty much destroys all the crap and mistrust of God that has been surfacing to my mind:

Numbers 23:19 (NLT)

¹⁹ God is not a man, so he does not lie.
    He is not human, so he does not change his mind.
Has he ever spoken and failed to act?
    Has he ever promised and not carried it through?

My God, my Lord Jesus, and sweet Holy Spirit- -my heart and my reason for breathing–yes, I have dreams and plenty of them. But I want You at the center, at the front, and at the back of every dream and goal. If You’re not in it, I don’t want it. You give me purpose. You give me drive. You give me joy and strength, and I just ask that You help me to want only what You want—nothing more, nothing less. It’s hard. I fail. I’m tired..A LOT, but I know that nothing is a surprise to You and nothing I am feeling is felt in vain. You take the blueprint of my tower and destroy it. You can take my tower and destroy that, too. Deep in my heart, I know that You will carry out Your plans for my life and for the lives of all attached to me. You are faithful and every promise You have spoken will come to pass in due season—just help me to trust in the meantime. Please, just help me to trust You.