I don’t know how to pretend nothing with God

Ok, so a lot of times I get hurt or annoyed over something. Like some guy hurts my feelings with his behavior or my mom shuts down and it makes me feel uneasy or things at work aren’t organized and I mentally fall apart and start balling up my toes in my shoes (as well as my fist like Arthur–see meme below lol).

I have all these crazy insane feelings going on and I feel a small nudge by God to open up and talk about it. But what do I do?

“It’s cool, God. I’m ok. I’ll get over it. Don’t worry about me. We can talk about it later.”

Later just never seems to come, though.

I don’t know how I got like this. I really don’t. I can be opinionated over the dumbest stuff, but the REAL stuff, the stuff that’s close to my heart, the deep rooted stuff that causes me to pick the wrong men or put up with friendships I should cut off, or pinpoint feelings that I really should address so as to experience the real freedom and peace of God…I don’t wanna face it. I don’t want God to come near it. I’d rather stuff it deep deep deep down inside and let it fester. But festering junk can’t heal. And my God is all about wanting to heal you and I.

Whhhhyyy do sick people choose to stay sick???

Fear.

Ask that one person you know who never wants to go to the doctor why they don’t go. They prob won’t admit it, but 9 times out of 10, it’s fear. They’ll probably say something like, “Chileeee, you go to the doctor and they’ll always say something is wrong.”

Probably cuz it is dum dum. I’m sure that’s what you wanna say.

Just think about it. People in bad relationships stay out of fear of being alone. People workout like insane folk cuz they may have a fear of dying young. People drink or smoke out of fear of facing feelings. Fear has trapped us, destroyed us, and played us for far too long.

This is one chick that has had enough.

A couple a months ago, I did a bible plan by Laynie Travis called, I pretend nothing with you. Y’all. That bible plan got so deep in my heart, that I sometimes incorporate the title in my prayer life. To try and make a long story short, Laynie’s 10 year old daughter made her a journal filled with sweet words for Mother’s Day. The line that stood out to Laynie while reading was this–“Mom, I pretend nothing with you.”

Now I’m sure Laynie was confused. I sure was. But Laynie realized that her daughter was basically saying that she had a relationship with her mom like no other. She could be her true self without fear of judgement, without fear of their relationship changing by anything that’s said between them. She had a relationship with her mom that was minus fear.

Wait. Didn’t God say “perfect love drives out fear?”

1 John 4:8 (NLT) Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

Wow. Perfect love expels fear.

I pretend nothing with you, Lord.

That’s what I want with God.

I want it so bad that it hurts. Yes, I get sad because I can’t see God. Yes, I get frustrated because His voice is so hard to hear and my brain gets so loud, but I soooo want to pretend nothing with Him. My heart cries out for it, and my soul does too.

When I read the Bible, I’m so jealous of people like Moses. They really got to experience God’s presence in a way I never have. It’s upsetting to me. Even though, yes, it would freak me the heck out to hear God be all audible and big and stuff, I’m still jealous. 

Exodus 19:16-20 (NLT)

¹⁶ On the morning of the third day, thunder roared and lightning flashed, and a dense cloud came down on the mountain. There was a long, loud blast from a ram’s horn, and all the people trembled. ¹⁷ Moses led them out from the camp to meet with God, and they stood at the foot of the mountain. ¹⁸ All of Mount Sinai was covered with smoke because the Lord had descended on it in the form of fire. The smoke billowed into the sky like smoke from a brick kiln, and the whole mountain shook violently. ¹⁹ As the blast of the ram’s horn grew louder and louder, Moses spoke, and God thundered his reply. ²⁰ The Lord came down on the top of Mount Sinai and called Moses to the top of the mountain. So Moses climbed the mountain.

Wow. WOWWWWW. I promise ya’ll. One day, I’m gonna make a movie and have this scene reenacted perfectly. I would have FREAKED out. Trumpets? A cloud? Thunder? All that stuff would have had me LOSIN IT. But God was there. HIS PRESENCE WAS THERE. And not only was His Presence in that cloud, but Moses got a glimpse of God. 

Exodus 34:5-7 (NLT)

⁵ Then the Lord came down in a cloud and stood there with him; and he called out his own name, Yahweh.^[a] 6 The Lord passed in front of Moses, calling out,

Moses got to witness God. I’m so freakin’ jealous.

In reality though, I don’t have to be. Yes, God is not being all loud and stuff like He was with the ol’ G, Moses. But He’s still speaking. He’s still moving. He’s still with me. 

God is with me. He truly is. 

I can be honest with him. I can tell him ANYTHING. The other day, I told Him some very real, very adult feelings I have about what I want in a mate. You’d probably be like, “Key, you are being sooo inappropriate with God.” But whatever. He knows what we think and He hears all that stuff that you’d never want yo mama to hear, so don’t judge, k? Lol.

My fears don’t surprise Him and yours don’t either. My dreams are not too big for Him to handle. My man list probably have Him rolling over in laughter, but He knows me, so He ain’t trippin. He can read through the lines and pick out exactly what I need vs. what I think I want. His perfect love has me no longer afraid to come to Him with everything.

I now refuse to let fear keep me bound.

My God, He is so big, so amazing, so powerful. He’s everywhere at once. He hears all. He sees all.

He is big enough to handle my issues and the issues of someone else in another time zone and country all while looking after when the sun rises and sets. Your favorite superhero can’t even do that. He is the master of time. He can create beauty from ashes. He can forgive the unforgivable. He can change hearts and minds. NOTHING IS TOO HARD FOR MY DADDY.

God, my Lord, my heart is open and all Yours. Expel fear. Help me experience Your perfect love and help me to love people in the same way. Help me to give people the same grace that You give me. Help me to not judge and to love people to correction, just as You love me to correction. Jesus, you walked this Earth, sitting with the sinners. They loved You so so much that they wanted to change after being in Your presence. That’s sooo how You’ve changed me. Help me daily, though. Help me to be real. Help me to really be committed in being pure. Help me to stop picking and choosing what I want to follow in Your Word. Oh, Lord. I mess up so much. I don’t know why You’d ever want to use a hot mess like me, but here I am, open and available to You. I will tell You everything. I will share everything. I will give access to all of me because You know all of me anyway. It’s time for the games to stop. It’s time to follow You with my whole heart and my whole life. I want to now and always pretend nothing with You.

Sincerely yours, always and forever, your Daughter

 

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