I don’t know how to avoid self-sabotage

Sometimes I hate life and the calling I THINK I have on my life. 

Not tryna be negative, just being honest.

God knows me. He knows I’m totally and completely annoyed that there’s no clear roadmap for life. Like He tells me to trust Him and I really really want to, but I’m not doing a good job at it. I feel like everyday, I’m drowning and it’s my fault. 

I fear what God is calling me to and what He’s calling me to reveal to people about myself. 

Because of this, I go into a place of self-sabotage. It’s just destructive, sad behavior and I’m sick of it, but I keep doing it. I looked up sabotage and it clearly described how I’ve been actin.

Sabotage-deliberately destroy, damage, or obstruct (something)

Yep. That’s Key’s diagnosis alright. 

I feel like I literally am killing myself with self sabotage, all because I fear what God will make me reveal or where He’ll call me to go or what He’ll take from me. Where is my trust? Why am I struggling so hard to trust the One that is so faithful????

I have no idea how to answer that.

I have to be real. Some stuff I’ve done ain’t pretty. Some stuff that has been done to me is even worse. I don’t want people to know my struggles. I am ashamed of anyone finding out the real me and not wanting anything to do with me. What if my struggles are too much for someone to handle? What if I’m looked at differently? How would my closest friends feel about me if they really knew that my strongholds include alcohol and porn?

Wait…did I really just say that out loud?

Yes. Key struggles with this stuff and I feel like because I’m being louder about Jesus and my struggles, the enemy is coming for me even harder. I have battled so much hidden stuff even since I was little and now I’m always at war in my thoughts…ALWAYS. Lies are continuously being played and blared on repeat and each lie is deeply etched into my brain.

You’re a fake.

Sex outside of marriage is impossible. What makes you think THIS time, you’ll date differently?

Every good guy will continue to overlook you.

No man will ever see you as good enough to be a wife.

Your roommate sees right through you and is disappointed.

God could never use you. You are a failure and you keep messing up with the same stuff.

All this crap ain’t coming from my Daddy, though. My God ain’t keeping score.

Psalm 103:12 (NLT)

He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

Yes, it’s true, He is not keeping score, but everyday, I am. Everyday, I run down every time I have a slip up. I run down each time I got short with Ethan. I go over each time I promised God I wouldn’t hurt Him in a certain area, and I go right along and do exactly what I said I wouldn’t do. I neglect God. I misuse His mercy and grace. I KEEP FAILING HIM. 

I. Can’t. Do. This. Jesus.

But what’s amazing about my Lord is that my can’t is His can.

John 15:16 (NLT)

You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name.

He chose me. ME.

He chose me when He knew I’d screw up. He chose me when He knew I’d fail. He not only chose me, but He placed people in my life that keep me on the straight and narrow. He placed sisters and brothers in my life that look right through the bull crap and call me to the carpet. They expect more of me because I’d expect more from then right back. 

I got this amazing sis that serves in a ministry with me. Man, Benita is so bomb. She asked me the other day what the root was of why I do what I do. I have no clue how to answer that. Maybe it’s buried so deep down that I don’t want it to re-surface. But I know on this journey with Jesus, He gone bring it to light. That’s just how good He is. He wants every part of me, every broken piece. He wants it so He can mend it, heal it, and set me free. I want freedom so bad. But at what cost? I’m scared of the cost. I’m scared of giving up what I think I want and need to truly trust in the plan God has laid out for me. I’m scared that I’ve messed up so much that God’s plans are no longer an option. I fear it.

But fear can kiss my entire butt. 

I literally dream of being the next Heather Lindsey or Rachel Hollis or Sarah Jakes Roberts. Those are some amazing women. I can be amazing too, though. Every person has a story or struggle or imperfection that can be used by God. My God is in the business of using imperfect people to reach other imperfect people that make up the whole body of my Jesus. 

Noah was a drunk.

Paul heavily persecuted the church prior to his conversion.

Rahab was a prostitute.

Matthew was a tax collector.

Moses was a stutterer.

Peter, my absolute favorite disciple, denied Christ.

All these imperfect people God used. He used them to plant churches, save lives, write some of the most prominent books of the Bible, and change this freakin world.

Peter. Oh how I love the disciple that got to walk on water to Jesus. Even though he messed up, he was the one that Jesus said would be the rock to build his church (see Matthew 16:18). You think Jesus didn’t know that Peter would deny Him? You think that caught Him by surprise?? He knew Peter would do that and yet He still spoke life into him. He still saw his potential. 

I’m sure Peter felt like crap when he denied Jesus. But my Jesus. He’s so good. He knows our deepest hurts. He wants us even when we wreck things. He pursues us so that He can restore us. With Him, we are NEVER forgotten.

Mark 16:5-7 (NLT)

When they entered the tomb, they saw a young man clothed in a white robe sitting on the right side. The women were shocked, but the angel said, “Don’t be alarmed. You are looking for Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He isn’t here! He is risen from the dead! Look, this is where they laid his body. Now go and tell his disciples, including Peter, that Jesus is going ahead of you to Galilee. You will see him there, just as he told you before he died.”

Jesus didn’t forget Peter. He won’t forget you or me either. 

I’m a mess, but God still got plans for me. I went through the rough stuff so that I can be fully equipped to be a testimony to someone else. I have been the drunkard mess. I’ve let sexual sin rule me. I have been the mean girl. I’ve done a lot more wrong than right, but my God sees my potential. My God sees my heart. My God knows that I face a spiritual battle that I cannot fight alone. But God never intended on me to fight alone. We as Christians may be weak, but in Christ, we are ALWAYS strong. We have already won the battle, I just think sometimes the enemy plays our minds so much, that we fall for the farce. But it’s time we gear up, we put on the armor of God and wake up. The enemy fears us because the enemy sees our potential too. Never forget that. We are so precious. We are weak vessels, yes. But God is so amazing that He pours Himself into us so that we may be used for His glory. I myself am saying screw you, fear. And screw you, devil.

My God loves me.

He clothed me.

He freed me.

He chose me.

He remembered me.

The same goes for you. So the next time you fail, stop beating yourself up. Don’t run from your calling. Don’t let sabotage ruin you. God is there..arms open wide, ready to receive you and all that baggage that comes with you. Just know that when you sit with Him, He won’t let you leave the same. You’ll leave His Presence lighter, freer, and ready to walk out the calling He’s placed on your life. Lord, I’m ready. I’m available. I’m Yours. Take this mess and build what You want. Even if I never become what I think I want to be. Even if I never get the guy or the house or the kids, even if all the dreams of my heart never come to pass, I don’t even care anymore. I just want You because You not being in my life is death to me. Please don’t leave my side. Please don’t give up on me. Please continue to use this vessel. I am Yours.

Now and always, Jesus. I’m Yours.

Such is the cry of my heart.
Thank you, Jesus for seeing my worth even when I don’t:)
In Christ, we are FREE!

3 thoughts on “I don’t know how to avoid self-sabotage

  1. Andrea Higgins says:

    Fear not, God is with you. He will never leave you or forsake you.
    You are beautiful inside and out!!

  2. Marques says:

    The best part about this one is the full heart surrender at the end. It’s a beautiful thing show people the process of the surrender.

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