Sometimes I hate life and the calling I THINK I have on my life.
Not tryna be negative, just being honest.
God knows me. He knows I’m totally and completely annoyed that there’s no clear roadmap for life. Like He tells me to trust Him and I really really want to, but I’m not doing a good job at it. I feel like everyday, I’m drowning and it’s my fault.
I fear what God is calling me to and what He’s calling me to reveal to people about myself.
Because of this, I go into a place of self-sabotage. It’s just destructive, sad behavior and I’m sick of it, but I keep doing it. I looked up sabotage and it clearly described how I’ve been actin.
Sabotage-deliberately destroy, damage, or obstruct (something)
Yep. That’s Key’s diagnosis alright.
I feel like I literally am killing myself with self sabotage, all because I fear what God will make me reveal or where He’ll call me to go or what He’ll take from me. Where is my trust? Why am I struggling so hard to trust the One that is so faithful????
I have no idea how to answer that.
I have to be real. Some stuff I’ve done ain’t pretty. Some stuff that has been done to me is even worse. I don’t want people to know my struggles. I am ashamed of anyone finding out the real me and not wanting anything to do with me. What if my struggles are too much for someone to handle? What if I’m looked at differently? How would my closest friends feel about me if they really knew that my strongholds include alcohol and porn?
Wait…did I really just say that out loud?
Yes. Key struggles with this stuff and I feel like because I’m being louder about Jesus and my struggles, the enemy is coming for me even harder. I have battled so much hidden stuff even since I was little and now I’m always at war in my thoughts…ALWAYS. Lies are continuously being played and blared on repeat and each lie is deeply etched into my brain.
You’re a fake.
Sex outside of marriage is impossible. What makes you think THIS time, you’ll date differently?
Every good guy will continue to overlook you.
No man will ever see you as good enough to be a wife.
Your roommate sees right through you and is disappointed.
God could never use you. You are a failure and you keep messing up with the same stuff.
All this crap ain’t coming from my Daddy, though. My God ain’t keeping score.
Psalm 103:12 (NLT)
He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.
Yes, it’s true, He is not keeping score, but everyday, I am. Everyday, I run down every time I have a slip up. I run down each time I got short with Ethan. I go over each time I promised God I wouldn’t hurt Him in a certain area, and I go right along and do exactly what I said I wouldn’t do. I neglect God. I misuse His mercy and grace. I KEEP FAILING HIM.
I. Can’t. Do. This. Jesus.
But what’s amazing about my Lord is that my can’t is His can.
John 15:16 (NLT)
You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name.
He chose me. ME.
He chose me when He knew I’d screw up. He chose me when He knew I’d fail. He not only chose me, but He placed people in my life that keep me on the straight and narrow. He placed sisters and brothers in my life that look right through the bull crap and call me to the carpet. They expect more of me because I’d expect more from then right back.
I got this amazing sis that serves in a ministry with me. Man, Benita is so bomb. She asked me the other day what the root was of why I do what I do. I have no clue how to answer that. Maybe it’s buried so deep down that I don’t want it to re-surface. But I know on this journey with Jesus, He gone bring it to light. That’s just how good He is. He wants every part of me, every broken piece. He wants it so He can mend it, heal it, and set me free. I want freedom so bad. But at what cost? I’m scared of the cost. I’m scared of giving up what I think I want and need to truly trust in the plan God has laid out for me. I’m scared that I’ve messed up so much that God’s plans are no longer an option. I fear it.
But fear can kiss my entire butt.
I literally dream of being the next Heather Lindsey or Rachel Hollis or Sarah Jakes Roberts. Those are some amazing women. I can be amazing too, though. Every person has a story or struggle or imperfection that can be used by God. My God is in the business of using imperfect people to reach other imperfect people that make up the whole body of my Jesus.