Man…I feel like I haven’t blogged in forever.
It’s not like I haven’t wanted to…I’ve just been feeling stuck. And on top of feeling stuck, I’ve been feeling like maybe writing wasn’t my gift like I thought it was. Then on top of that feeling, I’ve been feeling like I need to get perfect with God first before I start writing again. (When come on now Key…when will you ever be perfect? And if you ever DO get perfect, would there be a need for your need of Jesus?)
I’ve been feeling a lot of feelings as you can see.
I woke up this morning (after snoozing my alarm for the millionth time) just wanting to blog, wanting to write, and not knowing where to start really. I still don’t exactly know where to start, but here I am, just doing it anyway.
Let’s see, I’m no closer to perfection than the last time I wrote a couple of years ago.
I’m still having some of the same struggles I’ve shared before and one of the biggest ones that I’m tired of sharing over and over and over again is wanting love.
I’m being really vulnerable here, so if you want to exit now from me sharing my heart on this, no hard feelings. Come back and visit my page another time. I’ll try my best to talk about something else!
If you choose to continue reading, lemme just start with this—
Yes. I am still making sucky and poor choices in dating.
But the bright side is, I feel like I’m getting some strength to walk away from situations that I know will lead me nowhere.
You don’t want anything serious and wanna play around like we teenagers? Then ya don’t want me… I can take myself out to eat, let those too-tight jeans stay folded up, and go to bed and rest easy.
You aren’t down with me being a Christian? Cool. I am not your cup of tea and that’s ok.
You don’t like single moms? That is your prerogative, sir. I can’t force you to see my awesomeness and I shouldn’t have to.
You think “come see me” is the appropriate way to ask me out on a date? Nexxxtttttt.
If I can be completely honest with ya’ll, I have swiped and swiped and swiped until my fingers are probably crying for me to let them rest. I’ve tried match, eharmony, facebook dating, blackpeoplemeet.com, bumble, zoosk, interracialdating.com, christianmingle.com, tinder, plenty of fish, BLK, stir, and some others but I don’t want to bore you with my list of failed attempts of not trusting God and just wanting to help Him out since He’s clearly looking down at me, taking His time, building my boo like a kid would at a build a bear workshop.
I am frustrated. I am lonely. I am tired. I want out of this desire to want to build a life with someone else.
I’m tired of unsolicited advice to “find myself” or “maybe you’re not called to be a wife” or “just stop looking and it will come” or the best one, “God is your husband.” (Newsflash—if you want to encourage a Christian single or ANY single for that matter, please do not tell them that God is their husband, especially when you get to go home and curl up next to a warm body while we get to curl up next to air).
The weight of this wait is hard and tiring and I’m over it.
Often I ask God to take away this desire of me wanting marriage His way, but I wake up every day with the same irritating desire in my heart. It’s there like some unwanted visitor, taking up space, with no intention of moving.
I love God so much, but I am so frustrated with Him right now.
I’m watching friends get married and engaged and have babies and I’m happy for them. I want the best for them. They deserve it! I pray that God blesses every single thing coming their way.
But God, did you forget about me? It’s been years of the same prayer. Do you hear me?
In the midst of my frustration, here He goes, showing me that He hears me and that I need to stop trying to take over His job.
He reminds me that there is work to do in my heart and that the last thing I’d want is for Him to bless me with something I’ve wanted, only for me to mess it up with my insecurities, my baggage, and my fear of abandonment. God is not trying to keep anything from me. He’s not the Joker. He’s not out here being choosy with the blessings. God wants my surrender. He wants my obedience. He wants my trust. He wants my faith.
I think this is one season where it hurts. I’m hurting typing this out. I’m overwhelmed with tears sharing this part of my story. I love God so much. I really do. But I don’t trust Him. I want to so bad. I just don’t. Not like I should. And if I don’t trust the One who created my heart, the One who loves me more than I can love myself..how in the world can I truly trust someone else??
So, yes…this season hurts. But this season is also beautiful. I’m finding myself reading more in the Word about self-image, knowing my worth, and recalling who God says I am. I’m trying to truly lean on Jesus more in my struggles. I’m cheating on books and listening to more audiobooks (look ya’ll…I tell my co-worker all the time that there is nothing like an actual book in my hands so every time I listen to an audiobook, I feel like I’m cheating on the real book…don’t judge me, lol). I’m going places solo. I know sometimes my friends don’t get why I’m isolating myself. I honestly don’t know why I do it most days. At first, I would just sit in bed all day because I was just sad and I wanted to be sad alone. But lately, I’m getting up and getting out, but it’s just to have time with just me. I think I just need to be comfortable being solo. I need to not feel squirmish when I go to a nice restaurant alone or check out a movie minus Ethan. I need this time to embrace being in my own space.
Yesterday, I was scrolling through Instagram and my linesister posted a video of herself with her Bible, highlighting and writing without a care in the world. In the background, a speaker was saying that at the right time, the Lord will make it happen…whatever God has for you is for you and you won’t miss it. That was incredible to me. I’m out here always stressing, always worrying, always wondering if God is trying to somehow keep things from me, when really, all I need to do is surrender. All I need to do is rest. My brain is so tired from trying to figure God’s plans out. I’m so tired of the swiping. I’m so tired of just being sometimes.
In my exhaustion, God is calling me to surrender.
He does the hard part, and I just need to trust that His way is better. God has already stated in His Word that He saw me before I was even born; every day of my life was recorded and every moment was laid out before a single day had passed (Psalm 139:16).
I may not know how to surrender. I may worry as soon as I get out of this bed and start my day, but I need to learn to rest in God. He specializes in knowing how to take care of what’s His.
God, I love You. I don’t always show it and I have made too many mistakes to count. I have no idea why You choose to love me like You do or why You sent Jesus to restore a relationship with me–a woman who keeps trying to go her own way, do her own thing, and get You to go along with her plans. I’m tired, though, God. I’m tired and I just want to rest in You. Teach me how to surrender. Teach me how to go with Your plans even with no blueprint and especially when I don’t understand. You have a track record of being faithful, of wanting the very best for me, and of showing up when I least expect it. Remind me and anyone reading this of all the times You have shown Yourself faithful. Remind us of all the times You have done what we thought was impossible. Teach us to surrender. Teach us to rest. I love You–always and forever.
Thank God for a library card and the ability to check out audiobooks. THIS book has been so good and forces me to want to make internal changes for myself, for God, and for those around me. 🙂
Been playing this on repeat. The lyrics are so spot-on for what I’m going through.