I don’t know how to feel

So. I got laid off today.

Yep. Just let that sentence sink in. I’m letting it sink in, and just like my title says, I really just don’t know how to feel.

How are you supposed to feel when your source of income is gone, and you have no clue what to do next? How am I gonna pay this bill or that bill? How will I cover the cost of Ethan’s summer camp? How the heck do you budget from a severance? Oh, crab legs! When will I ever taste your delicious goodness again? Will it be soon?? (Hey, I gotta laugh about something today, lol) What will people think? Are people reaching out to me to be nosey or because they really care? I got soooo many emotions hitting me all at once. But you know what I did as soon as I got home? I cried out to my God, I wiped my face, and I told Him, “I trust You. Even in the midst of a layoff, if this is what brings me even closer to You, it’s worth it.” And to me, it is.

I am at an alarming peaceful state, ya’ll. I think it’s because I know for a fact that God is always working behind the scenes on my behalf. Jesus is always interceding for me. I got time to sit at God’s feet and really plan out my next steps and what path I really need to go on. I can continue to write out and work on my purpose. I think I feel like God prepared me for this weeks ago so I wouldn’t go trippin out on Him. He steadied my heart. He allowed me to walk out with grace and a smile. I was able to tell management that I’ll be ok because I’m a praying woman, and I meant every word of that. I’m freakin’ blessed to have had the job experience I’ve had over the course of six years. I loved the people I got to work with. These are people I prayed for every morning on my way to work. I learned how to run meetings. I learned how to be in rooms with people in wayyyy higher pay scales than me, and look at them with no intimidation or fear, but with an assurance that they are people just like me. I got to work for a company that I actually loved, and to some people, that’s rare. All that I learned, all the friendships I cultivated, all the knowledge I obtained, was valuable and all part of God’s plan. Shoot yeah, at this time in my life, with all that I have going on in my personal life, having to go through this sucks.

But, God.

His Word never steers me wrong.

Psalm 50:15 (NLT):

Then call on me when you are in trouble,
    and I will rescue you,
   and you will give me glory.

My God will rescue me every single time. And every single freakin’ time, I will give Him the glory. What happened to me today did not take Him by surprise. What happened is just a single thread in the tapestry of my testimony. I am sure of it. People can think I’m kidding myself. People can think that I’m trying to sike myself up. People can think whatever they want. If you are a believer of Christ, you will be able to feel where I’m coming from completely, though. God knows every desire of my heart. He knows my dreams, plans, and goals all involve Him and helping to expand His Kingdom. I have no idea what I’m called to do, but I know it’s something great. Just watch. I know my God, and I won’t miss a beat. Every trip planned, every conference I planned to attend or serve at, I’m gonna be there. I won’t stop praying. I won’t stop worshipping or serving. I won’t stop encouraging people to believe in and trust in my incredible God. If at any time the enemy thought that this would shut me up, guess what enemy–NOT TODAY.

My God–He’s my Daddy. He’s my Provider. He’s now and always holding me together. Months ago, He’s been stirring stuff up in my spirit, and I was being lazy about it. I was operating in fear. “Too many people are doing what I want to do, Lord.” “Where do I start?” “I can’t focus on that right now, and I’m too overwhelmed.” These are all the things I’m rambling off to God. I started falling off from chasing my purpose. Now…I have no choice, but to get back to chasin.’

If you are in any period of your life where you feel like this is the end of your story. If you feel like you can’t pick yourself up from where you are. If you feel like me, and feel like, well dang…I can’t possibly start working my dream job in my 30s, know this—YOU TRIPPIN.’ You can do ALL things through Christ. Nothing, NOTHING at all is impossible with God on your side. I promise you. He has you. He loves you. He cares about your heart, and He cares about your purpose. If you don’t believe me, believe the words of a man in the Bible who experienced tremendous loss, but who got back WAY more than what he lost–Job. This will carry me through this season and I hope it carries you through as well:

Job 42:2 (NLT):

I know that you can do anything,
    and no one can stop you.

No one can stop Him. Not your fears. Not your procrastination. Not nothing. Keep pressing. Keep believing. Keep trusting. God sees you. God hears you. Trust Him.

This is the cry of my heart today. I don’t have to fight alone, ever.

4 responses to “I don’t know how to feel”

  1. Be still and listen to the voice of the Lord. Hecwull never leave you or forsake you….get ready for the overflow!!!!

  2. This is beautiful fam! I cried reading it. I was once there. I didn’t know where God was taking me. I was sad, happy, angry, all of the above. But as I look back on it. I know God was just taking each moment to make it an opportunity for me to learn and prepare for the future. I am praying for you. Please don’t be a stranger and reach out if you need a prayer partner. I love you!

  3. I’m often blown away by the profound depth of trust Jesus had in Father, even when the cup was not taken away. It was solid in his core, equal to his love for Father. How Jesus walked that night and next day is how he showed me what trust looks like — but my feet are clay. Nevertheless, Jesus left his footprints for my clay feet. Looks to me like your clay feet are following His… it’s safer than any other path, and I’ve tried a few! With love and respect –

  4. The beautiful part is your mindset. It’s exactly the way it should be. Reread this if needed since faith does come by hearing. Praying your continued success and look forward to your victory in Christ through faith and obedience.

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