If someone would have told when I was a little girl that I’d be 31, with a Charlie brown faced little boy, single, and with no clue of my purpose, I’d have thrown all my Boxcar children books at them.
I had no idea that this would be my life.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my life. I have an amazing family. I really do enjoy having a son. My friends are bomb. I have a church that I’m in love with. I serve in some pretty amazing and impactful ministries. I love my job and the people I work with, but truly, this ain’t the life I thought I’d have.
When you’re little, you think you can do everything. I thought I’d be a writer, clothes designer, and doctor all at the same time, lol. I thought I’d marry some dude that probably resembled a Ken doll and have a huge house with a white fence around it, 3 perfect kids, and a puppy. I thought I’d run this world. I thought that nothing and no one would ever be able to stop Key’Andrea Jamaria Davis from being great.
Then reality happened.
When you’re a kid, don’t nobody tell you about bills. Nobody tells you that the checks you saw yo’ mama writing out in Walmart needed money in the bank attached to them (ya’ll, I just used to think checks were free monies, lol). Nobody says that to get that huge house with the white fence takes discipline, saving, and that a two story house has two story bills, which is why Key is living a two-storyless life, lol.
I finished college, which is great, but I finished with student loans and a degree in PR that I don’t use. I didn’t really apply myself as much as I should have and I did not make the connects that I could have made.
I had Ethan out of wedlock. (Hey, some people don’t care, but to me, this was a big deal. I always wanted to be married prior to kids).
I figured I’d be married right out of college. WRONG. I’m still single as a dolla bill.
I have been working at a job for 6 years and I still have no clue if I’m called to work there or if I’m just there.
Deep down I want to do ministry work and write full time, but I feel like I’m too old and I have no idea where to start or if God even wants me to do that.
Key’s life looks nothing like what mini-Key dreamed it to be.
I wish I could visit mini-Key again. She was so brave, so energetic, so innocent. To mini-Key, God was God. He was big and unstoppable, and amazing, and she looked at Him with this beautiful child-like wonder. Mini-key used to let balloons go up to the sky in hopes that somehow they would get to God. Mini-key assumed every time it rained, someone passed away. To her, life was incredible. In her mind, she could do any job and travel the whole world and be happy. Mini-Key had no idea that adult life would differ so much from being a child. Why would she? She was little, and when you’re little, your only thoughts are child-like ones. At some point though, she had to grow up…I mean I had to grow up. Not just in reality, but now even more so spiritually.
1 Corinthians 13:11 (NLT):
When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
Yep, mini-Key is now adult Key, and adult life ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.
I know I’m complaining, A LOT, but it gets tough. Bills come, relationships don’t last, people let you down, seasons change, and it’s like life is passing me by and I don’t even know how to enjoy moments anymore. Great things happen to me, and in the midst of that, I’m just waiting on the next great thing to happen. My mind is always moving on to the next thing and the next event, and the next meeting, or just the next whatever is on my calendar or to do list. I wish I could just go back to being young. I wish life weren’t so complicated.
God, what am I supossed to do when I feel this way? I feel lost, and empty, and confused.
Welp, when I ask, He answers.
“Be still, and know that I am God…..” Psalm 46:10
That’s Your answer, Lord? Really? REALLY??!!!!
Be still?! Bruhhhh, that’s a super hard thing to do, God. Be still. My mind is never still. My life is never still. This world is never still, yet I feel like You always instruct me to be set apart and do the most uncomfortable things. You are so about pushing against the grain. It drives me insane, but at the same time, I so love how You instruct me to do what’s foreign to me.
Daddy, Heavenly Father, I am trying to be still in this season and I’m really struggling. Being an adult is a lot different than what I imagined. I really thought I’d have alot of my personal goal list checked off by now, but I feel like I’m not even halfway there. I keep asking for answers, and You keep leading me to just sit still and trust You. That’s hard to do. I want the full picture. I want what I want now. You know me, I’m spoiled and I want it my way or no way, but that is not how You operate. You’re calling me to be more responsible with my finances and I’m fighting tooth and nail. You’re cutting me off from some people. You’re tuggin on my heart to let go of some stuff. Things I used to love, I’m starting to hate. Parts of my past, you’re wanting me to address, and I don’t want to because it hurts. Adulthood gets hard. It really really does. But the funny thing is that even though I am an adult, I’m still your child.
2 Corinthians 6:18 (NLT):
And I will be your Father,
and you will be my sons and daughters,
says the Lord Almighty.
Like any good Father, you challenge me. You don’t want me to be the same woman I was yesterday or last year. You want to make me better. Like any good Father, you comfort me. I am so sensitive, yet I try to act like I’m not. Behind closed doors, I can really turn into a mess. Mess or not, though, you comfort me, dry my tears, and put my heart back together again. Like any good Father, when I feel rejection, you point me to spots in Your Word that remind me that I’m loved, I’m chosen, and to Jesus, worth dying for.
Yes, I’m an adult, and I don’t have it all together, but my Father does. He is my Rock, my Cheerleader, my Saving Grace. He holds my beginning, middle, and end. He knows that He has plans for me that are gonna blow my mind, and I won’t be able to give credit of those mind blowing plans to nobody, but Him. He is EVERYTHING. God, help me in my adulthood. Help me to see that life is still incredible, but that I’m just viewing it from a different age in life. Help me to see that there’s a purpose behind this season and every season after this one. Help me to wait well, Lord. Help me to continue to feast on Your Word daily, to be a better me, with a better heart, and help me to look more like Jesus, daily. Help me to make a mark on this world for Your Kingdom, and help me to appreciate each moment, whether good or bad. Life gets tough, but I’ll be ok as long as I got You. Help me to never forget that I’m Your daughter. Now and always, I’m a child of the Most High, and I’m so grateful that as an adult, I finally get to see it to be true:)
One thought on “I don’t know how to accept adulthood”
I feel you on the boxcar children books. I read them too. i was trying to read all of them I think I got to book 10. Good news you are becoming a writer now. The crazy part is the things we do against God is what actually changes some of what we get and when. Praise God that you are on your way now.