“Hi, my name is Key, and I am a control freak.”
That’s what I’d say if I were in some sort of control freaks anonymous group that I’m sure is probably a real thing if I ever took the time to Google it.
Yep, that’s what I am.
It’s crazy. I’ve been in denial about this for so long, but that’s EXACTLY what I am.
I should have known this to be true, the second I had my first meltdown over “the list.” If you have no idea what “the list” is, I’ll tell you.
It’s my other bible, my writings and scribblings of things to do for the day. Ya’ll, I’m so crazy that “the list” will look something like this:
- Work till 4pm (duh, I work every weekday till 4pm)
- Stop and get gas
- Get Ethan from daycare @ 6:10 (and this is pushin’ it)
- Clean up
- Iron (my clothes and E’s)
- Pack workout bag
- Read a chapter from a book
- Try to read with Ethan
- Figure out tomorrow’s schedule
- Look over bills
- Quiet time
Yes the list for each day changes depending on what’s written in my planner and what’s on my Google calendar (hey, I gots a busy life, lol), but at the start of each day, I write out what my day should look like. If at any time this list is deviated from, I FREAK OUT. I lose it. My toes may scrunch up in my shoes. My eyes get tight. I get annoyed. I may even have a little fire in my belly from anger. God probably be like, “Key, baby. Calm down.” My reply?? “Not now, God, not now. Someone wants to add something to my list! Why, Lord, why???!!” (Ok, I’m being super dramatic, but you get what I’m sayin).
Why is it soooo hard to relinquish control, Jesus? Why????
Every question that I have, I feel like the Bible really does answer it. It may be confusing at first, but when you really take the time to read and meditate, the answer is there slappin’ you in the face like Rick James.
When looking for an answer on relinquishing control, I didn’t even have to look long because the perfect model to look to is and always will be one person–Jesus.
Matthew 26:36-39 (NLT)
36 Then Jesus went with them to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and he said, “Sit here while I go over there to pray.” 37 He took Peter and Zebedee’s two sons, James and John, and he became anguished and distressed. 38 He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
39 He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”
My Jesus–knowing what He would have to face, all that He would have to endure, was in a place of pure anguish, yet He released all of His fears, wants, comfort, and more to the One who knew best—God. He totally relinquished control.
I just can’t get past that.
The cross was horrific. What He went through to save me and you and this whole world is unimaginable. They tortured Him. They mocked Him. They spit in His face. Friends turned their backs on Him. People lied on Him. He would go through the worst pain of His life, and what did He say??? Not His Will, but God’s.
Imagine if Jesus would have said, “Screw this, God. This mess for the birds. Why should I have to die for some folks that ain’t gone do right anyway? Beam me back up to Heaven cuz I didn’t sign up for this!” If Jesus would have done that, I wouldn’t be saved. Me and all the people I love could never have the access to approach God’s throne boldly the way we do today. We’d forever be destined to spend eternity in heck.
I meltdown over a freakin’ list and my Jesus had to endure that???! How dare I?
Look, I like to be in control. I am such a planner. I get so frustrated with God, because I want to know when I’ll be married or if I won’t be. I want to know if I’ll ever see my little Luke or Judah or Bella running around (yes, duh I have a list of kids names, lol). I want to know what I’m called to do for the rest of my life. I want to know what Ethan will grow up to be. I want to know where I’ll be living in five years. I want to know all the answers NOW. But my God in heaven, He just wants me to live. Live and trust that He got it all figured out for me already. He wants my trust. He wants my heart. He wants me to unball my fists and open up my hands to Him.
God, I’m so trying to trust You, but it’s hard. I like to have a blueprint to everything and it drives me crazy. My heart so wants to give in to You completely, but it’s like I’m in this boat with You and I got one foot in and one foot out. It’s hard. I’m struggling. I’m failing. I’m breaking. I question You. I question everything. I know Your Word says one thing, but my doubts and fears say another. I want to control how people treat me. I want to control Ethan’s behavior. I want to control the feelings in me that I sometimes let get all out of control. I wanna control the freakin’ traffic in Dallas (man, traffic be having me dang near in a panic attack mode on the daily). But seriously, Lord, I feel like I’m in this emotional battle and the casualty is always me. Lord, I’m asking that you help me to let go and let You truly fight my battles– for real. I say I trust You and I want to trust You, not just in a moment or for a period of time, but everyday of my life. I can’t control that sometimes people hurt my feelings or break my heart, but I can release that to You. I can’t control my Ethan not being just like I was in school, but I can pray that You show me how to parent him and how to parent well. I can’t control You and I can’t make You tell me the future. To be honest, I don’t even want to. If You told me everything that would happen, where would the fun be in that???! The mystery of You, the questions, the mountains high, the valleys low, the heartbreaks and victories, just every part of my life is woven together with a God that I know loves me and looks out for me daily. Yes, Lord, I don’t know how to relinquish control, but I will. I will give it over to the One who knows when I sit and when I rise. I will trust the One who I can’t even hide in the darkness from. I will trust He who has all my days written in His book before one of them even came to be–my God, my Healer, my Love, my Everything, take my list and everything else. I give all control to You 🙂