Vital necessity

So another singles mixer under my belt with no man.

I think if I had to give a rough count, it may have been likeeeee 60 women and 8 men (my counting does suck, but that’s the estimate lol).

Though I didn’t meet my Adam or my Boaz or whatever biblical ideal single women are looking for these days, I did meet some cool women and one in particular prayed for me at the end.

Before we parted ways, she told me that God hears me, He just wants more of me.

More of me….

That’s so tough for me y’all.

I know I complain A LOT about my desire for marriage going unfulfilled, and I do get frustrated, A LOT, but I enjoy God…most times…when I sit still long enough to enjoy Him. So when I hear that He wants more of me, part of me is like, “GOD, HOW MUCH MORE OF ME DO YOU WANT??? I’ve not had a real actual relationship in like 6 years. HOW MUCH MORE US TIME COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEED?? Am I that amazing? lol

I know I’m being extra, but God knows me.

I get crazy when I get a man.

I act brand new.

And I can understand why God may be hesitant to answer this prayer.

I am definitely in a weird place.

I want more of God. I have been feeling like I’m right at the cusp of this incredible breakthrough and that I’m going to experience Him in a new way if I just keep pressing in, but my heart….

My heart wants marriage. My heart is weary. My weekends are busy and amazing, but this girl loves love. And I’ve been waiting soooo long for it and God won’t even give me an expiration date.

This tug of war in me, the desire to surrender, the desire to hold tight to my wants, the feel of wanting more of God, but the distractions of the world and culture and my ticking clock…it’s so much.

It’s so much, but when I get quiet, when I pick up the Bible and read, and it’s just me and Him. Mannnnn. I get why He wants more of me….Cuz I want more of Him.

Recently I was in quiet time with God and I just started telling Him how I don’t understand how I treat Him like I’m side eyeing Him, like I can’t trust Him. And then I started talking about my last relationship, how bad my heart was broken, how I felt abandoned by someone I loved so much, how bad I wanted to keep him, to keep a man that just wasn’t meant to be kept—Not by me. And I told God it still hurts. I’m mad, cuz I should be over this and I want to be, but I still got a hole in my heart over this and I refuse to let God heal it and in letting this thing fester, it’s interfering with my trust and relationship with my God.

That’s not fair. That man hurt me. God didn’t. I just sat in that hurt and I cried. I am ashamed to still be hurting over someone that has moved on, but the hurt is still there.

God wants more of me.…..

God wants more of us.

We float through life, many of us searching for the thing or person to complete us. We feel empty. We feel less than. We search and search and we throw our hands in the air in frustration cuz what we’re searching for seems unattainable.

Maybe we’re looking in the wrong place.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This version is bomb though…

“Then [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity] and [you will] find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. [Deut 4:29, 30]”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭13‬ ‭AMP‬‬

God wants us to require Him as a vital necessity. And ain’t that what we should be doing anyway?? He holds all the answers, all the secrets, knows how to fulfill every desire, knows us better than anyone ever could.

God knew that I needed to meet Him in my bathroom, in my empty tub with my blanket to get some quiet early in the morning and away from the ears of my son to cry over an ex that I try to pretend didn’t hurt me as bad as he did.

I needed that cry.

And I need God.

I believe that God got a special someone just for me. I thought my ex was the best I could get, but I believe God is going to show me that He got so much better. And when I meet that person, I’m believing he’ll be wanting God just as much as me.

My faith won’t let me think differently.

My God got great things in store for me and He got great things in store for you, too.

Let’s seek Him.

Let’s pursue Him.

Let’s surrender.

Let’s pray—-

God. I will trust You.

In Jesus’s name, amen.