M&M

Wanna know the two biggest stressors in my life?

Money and a man. A man and money.

I should have mastered a long time ago, the art of trusting God with any and all areas of my life.

I ain’t there yet, though. 

If you can imagine my life being broken up in rooms, the “man room” and “money room” would be taped off, even to God. (Saying that out loud is wild, I know, but I just gotta be honest).

I don’t think I’ve ever fully surrendered to God in these areas (and these two areas are REALLY big deals). But yep. Get to talking to me about money and I want to melt into the floor. I don’t like budgets. I hate being restricted. I wanna live in a world where I can spend, spend, spend. A world where Target is a daily trip, where it ain’t no thang to just go to Fam D on the regular (just for snacks, I might add), and one where I ain’t trippin’ about a bill coming due. 

Wanna discuss my dating life (or lack thereof)? It’s been a mess.

I have compromised my values to not be lonely. I’ve tried men of different faith, men with shady faith, men that really weren’t worth my time (too bad time can’t be reclaimed), and men that I know God probably shook His head at cuz He knew it’d only cost me heartbreak and an emotional setback, but on I skipped, right into a mistake.

Now that I think about it, maybe not being on a date in almost a year is a good thing. (Maybe).

Yep. I worry so much about M&M.

But I am really really tired of living this way. 

How can I claim to believe in God, Who has the final say in all things, Who holds all time in His Hands, Who runs the entire world efficiently, all while being concerned with little ol’ me and my problems..how can I claim to believe God does all that and more and STILL be anxious all the time???!

I’m tired of going to church, and reading the same scriptures over and over, only to walk away and forget what I read when something unplanned knocks me off track.

I know better. But do I do better?

Nope.

Being real with y’all, I have worried more this month than I have in quite some time. 

To make a long story quick, my brother and I are finally going our separate ways (I ain’t gone get in any details… Just know that I love my little brother so much and I’m grateful for all the years we got to be living under one roof, but it’s really time for us to get our own spots).

Am I freaked out? OF COURSE!

I ain’t looked for an apartment in years and looking now, with a whole, big grown teenager that needs his own room (and please God, his own bathroom) has stressed me to a whole ‘nother level.

Who approved of these apartment costs???

How are people out here payin’ for ’em??

Now I can see why 20 people stay in one place. IT’S CRAZY.

So, here I am, stressed. I’m lookin’ at God, like, where is my help at?? Why can’t You just give me a man to love (and help pay this rent)????

God probably lookin’ back at me, lookin’ back at Him, saying, “Why won’t you just trust me??? What is it going to take for you to do that? Do you really need a man to help pay bills or do you just need Me (and to adhere to a freakin’ budget)??!

(Now I don’t know if God is really saying these things to me, but I can imagine Him sayin’ it).

I need help. I need help with the stress, the fears, the unknown, all of it.

Enter this scripture…one I know, but that I really need to know.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.

Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.

His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬-‭7‬ ‭(NLT‬‬)

I love this version just as much.

“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray.

Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.

Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.

It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬-‭7‬ (‭MSG‬‬)

Don’t worry about anything.

Don’t fret or worry.

These words are so beautiful, but in the thick of things, they can be hard to accept. They can be hard to hold on to.

They can be hard to believe.

But God….

There has never been a time where God left me hangin’.

Even when it felt like He did, He didn’t.

There are prayers I begged God to answer and years later, I see that His “no” was the best answer I could’ve ever received.

He’s opened doors. He’s closed doors. He’s healed my heart when I was at fault for it breaking.

He’s had people come through for me. He’s bailed me out of crazy situations. He’s covered me, forgiven me, clothed me in His love. I can’t even name all He’s done, but He’s done more than I could ever give Him thanks for.

This apartment thing ain’t nothing for Him. And while I’m over here stressed out, I’m positive He’s already got my place lined up.

Know why I’m positive? Cuz I’m His and He ALWAYS takes care of what belongs to Him.

May my worries turn to prayers. May I rest in His care, His plan, His unfailing love.

May this give me the assurance I need to have a heart that’s at peace—

“It is because of the Lord’s mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not. [Mal. 3:6.]

They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness. [Isa. 33:2.]

The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self); therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him. [Num. 18:20.]”
‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3‬:‭22‬-‭24‬ ‭(AMPC‬‬)

I’ll love You forever, God.

♥️ Your daughter,

Key

 

 

How I can picture me and God staring at each other, lol