Soooo, you thought you were doing alright.

You going to church.

You tryna to pray on the regular.

You tryna drink less.

You not goin’ to places you have no business.

You doin’ good good. Then bloop. There go that late night text.

Wyd?

Ummm, clearly not bein’ sleep, bruh.

Need some company?

“Nigga, nah” is how I should respond. I should go off on how you are totally disrespecting my boundaries by texting me this late. I should explain that I know I’m worth way more than a late night chill. I’m worth more than some secret and secluded rendezvous. I’m priceless. I’m fire. I’m wifey material, baby.

Instead, I say..”OMW (on my way).”

What the heck, Key?

My mind is literally SCREAMIN’: Nope, Key, nope. Don’t do it. Don’t fall for it. Why you got ya keys, Key? Why you drivin’ to this dude place, Key? So, you really gonna ignore this whole conversation goin’ on in yo’ head? 

Yep. I’m gonna ignore all of that. Shoot, Jesus. I’m lonely. I’m strugglin’. I am really really trying to be faithful to You, but don’t You get how hard that is???

Every freakin’ time I’m doing good, there goes SOMETHING right around the corner just waiting, plotting to get at me.

The struggle is so real, ya’ll.

I’m gonna just be 100. Sin is just so easy. It is. Some days, I be like: God. This living for You thing is too freakin’ hard. Everybody else out there doin’ they thang. Everybody else sexin’ and drinkin’ and doin’ whatever the heck else they wanna do. 

Why can’t I take part? Why do I have to be good?

Why can’t I take a bite like Eve did????

I can’t stress enough how good the Bible is, ya’ll. I promise, if I had the monies, I’d so do a phenomenal, epic movie on Eve. She is so interesting to me. Imagine her just walking in the garden, free. Bundles swangin, looking all glossy and fine and stuff. She probably smellin’ like coco butter. (I’m sure God had the pure shea butter kind, too, lol).  “What up, animals? Today a good day, huh? Lemme go pick out some of these fresh veggies for me and Adam so I can whip up a good meal before he comes home from work.” She just in the garden, livin’ her best life. Then here go this serpent messin’ up her day.

“Hey,” he says, “So I heard God said you couldn’t eat any fruit off these here trees in this garden. Did he really say you couldn’t???” She probably didn’t even think long before responding. She probably didn’t think nothing of that question since she was just so freakin’ happy to be chillin’ in the garden. “Nah, we can eat the fruit off the trees. God just said not THAT tree over there. If I do, God says I’ll die.” 

“Eve,” he says, “You’re not gonna die. God just bein’ extra. Look at that tree. Does it look like it would hurt you? It won’t! God just knows that if you eat off that tree, you’ll be just like Him, wise, knowing soooo much, just like He knows. Take a bite. It won’t hurt anything.”

Genesis 3:6 (NLT)

The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too.

Wow. Wowwwww. 

I can just imagine. Eve must’ve looked at that tree with such a longing, such a want. That tree must have looked like the most delicious thing ever created. She probably passed that dang tree a million times and never even noticed it until that messy serpent said something. I bet whatever piece of fruit it was she was looking at looked shiny and glowy. I bet the sun hit it just right. And then she plucked it off the tree and bit. I bet that first bite was sooooo good. I bet it felt right. I bet it felt like eating this was well worth disobeying God. It all felt soooo good to her, I bet..until it didn’t. I bet once she was done tasting that fruit, eyes closed, smile of pleasure, she probably opened her eyes and got terrified. She probably started thinking, “What have I done? Why do I feel so bad now? Was this worth it???”

Ain’t that how sin is, though?

God clearly tells us, well me, no sex until marriage. The world is saying: Did God really say that? Is God really serious? Why would He want you to struggle with something that’s natural and just in you? It’s not that big a deal, right?

So you do it. And it’s all good. Sure, it feels nice. Bruh, sex feels great. I’m just being honest. I told Jesus that just yesterday. But the after effect though. I feel horrible. I feel guilty. I feel like this here little moment of pleasure is costing me God’s presence. It’s costing me intimacy with Him. It’s costing me everything because I KNOW what God says. 

He ain’t sayin it’s ok to have premarital sex sometimes. He ain’t sayin you can do it when you get the urge. He ain’t sayin He’ll let it slide when you get you a boyfriend. I don’t know what the heck He sayin’ to other people, but to Key, He’s sayin I need your obedience. I need you to trust that I got better in store for you. I need you to submit and surrender to me in this area so you can help someone else. There is salvation and freedom for not just you, but for the people you love and even for the people you may never even meet on the other side of your obedience. Who are you gonna listen to?

That’s where I’m stuck. Who am I gonna listen to??

Sex is soooo powerful. It really is. I really wish I never would have had it until I was married. I get why God puts boundaries on sex. When you step outside of them, it’s dangerous. Soul ties are real. They really are. You be done slept with someone five years ago, and never think twice about them. But let that Drake song come on the radio and your mind travels right back to being with that person. It’s insane. It’s crazy insane. I am always strugglin’ with this. I tell people I so want to be a person that is done with sex till marriage, and they look at me like I got a third eye. Can’t nobody do that. It’s impossible. Church people be doin’ it. The world doin’ it. It can’t be done.

Why can’t it though? According to the Bible I read, this is something that’s attainable.

2 Peter 1:3 (NLT)

By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.

From what I see, it ain’t impossible to aim for purity. Hard? YES. Impossible, though? Heck, nah.

I don’t wanna be like Eve. That one bite cost her EVERYTHING. The garden. God’s presence. The good life. It cost her. I don’t want these “bites” I’ve been takin’ to cost me. I love God. I love Him so much. I crave Him. I crave His attention. I marvel at how much He loves me. Am I sayin’ that I will never ever mess up again? No. I ain’t perfect. I wish I was, but I’m not. What I’m sayin’ is that I’m really going to try with the help of God and the Holy Spirit to shoot for being obedient to Him in this area no matter what the world thinks or says. What I am saying is that I’m tired of misusing God’s grace. I was talking to my sis, Tro, about that just this weekend. I know God gives us grace, and it’s amazing. But I don’t wanna keep doin’ my thing, and repenting later with the thought of, “Well, His grace will cover me. The Lord will forgive me. He knows my struggles. He knows my heart.” No. NO, Key. It cost Jesus His life to give me access to Him, to God, to His Spirit. I owe Him me. I owe Him my obedience. I owe Him all. I struggle, yes. But it’s time to do something about it. It’s time to know my worth. It’s time to say bye niggaz, to anybody holding me back from greatness. It’s blockin’ season. If you ain’t good for me, ya blocked. If the friendship ain’t beneficial, you gone see me ease back. I gotta get right. Time is too short, and I don’t wanna miss out on another thing God has waiting for me.

It’s time to feast on the Word of God and really start believing it and obeying it, too. I am tired of purposely stumbling in the same area. I’m tired of takin’ that poisoned fruit from the enemy. His ways ain’t foolin’ me. He be usin’ the same stuff to make me stumble and it’s time to show him that I ain’t goin’. It’s time to get right and it’s time to start practicing what I’m preaching! Lord, I don’t know how to avoid being like Eve, but I know that I can run to You and run to Your Word to show me how. You are clearly telling me that You have given me everything I need to be godly, so it’s time to start living that. My obedience is not just for me. This walk is not just for me. It’s for every person watchin’ me. It’s for my son who I want to show my faithfulness to God to. It’s for my family that I want to be a light for. It’s for my friends who probably think I’m insane. It’s for this world to see that I ride for my God and that my God rides for me. God, Daddy, help me to be what you’ve called me to be. With all that’s in me, I pray–help me to be a new, Key❤