Ok. If it’s one place where my singleness is put on FULL blast, it’s at my grandma’s and great grandma’s house. Going home to visit peeps being single as a dollar bill ain’t what they be lookin’ for.
“What ever happened to that guy with the good job?”
“He wasn’t it, grandma.”
“What about that guy that dressed real nice? He seemed like a good fit.”
“Not it either, grandma. That was not what I needed.”
Here’s my great grandma’s favorite:
“You found ya rib, yet?”
Hold up! I thought it was he that was supposed to find me? Last I checked, Eve wasn’t in no garden frantic and looking for a man or his rib.
If she wasn’t doing that, then why should I???
I know my family members mean well, I really do. I know that they just want to make sure I don’t turn into a lonely cat lady (no offense to the cat ladies reading this post). But ain’t it funny that I’m always the target and not my siblings? Is it because I’m older? Is it because it looks odd to be my age, with a kid, and single? Do I look like I got, ‘Key needs a man’ tatted on my face?
I wish I knew the answer.
When I get bombarded with those questions, I usually just look blank. Like deer in the headlights blank. Mainly because I wish they knew how insensitive the questions are and mainly because I really have no idea what to say outside of, “God will send him.” What I really be wanting to say (as respectfully as I can of course) is that I ain’t Jerry McGuire in search of completeness in a mate. His famous line of, “you complete me” used to be the lie I once believed in wholeheartedly, yet later figured out was a complete and utter farce. I used to think that I needed a man to be complete, happy, and whole. What I have learned over time is that if I’m empty, a mess, and unhappy with me, I’m gone be empty, a mess, and unhappy with bae.
Key ain’t fallin’ for the farce any longer. Key ain’t lookin’ for no rib, and according to the Word of God, Key is complete.
Colossians 2:10 (NLT)
So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.
In a nutshell: Every single and saved person, including myself, is complete.
I think well meaning people sometimes need to mind their well meaning business. I promise I’m not trying to be ugly. I’m just trying to be real. A lot of folks forget that singles have feelings. Singles don’t really need your unwarranted advice, pitiful stares, or ways to catch a potential mate. To be even more honest, the most unhappy and unhealthy people are always the first to give advice. How you gone do that when your own relationship is jacked up?? You don’t even really like who you with, and you expect me to be in a hurry to get the hot mess you got?? Nah sis, I’m good.
It’s not just people in the world either, but it’s the body of Christ, too. I love Jesus and I love love love my church people. But do I wish there was more focus on the single population? Yes. Do I think we need to be poured into as much if not more than the married folk? Shoot, yeah. The church is the one place where I crave advice. I want help from people who can give me the real and couple it with the Word. What does it look like to wait well before marriage? What the heck is courting? What’s a budget? (Key does not like budgeting, but I so need to learn it, lol). We need to be taught how to be whole. We need instructions on how to live God’s way practically, build businesses, and break strongholds. We need guidance on how to take full advantage of being by ourselves. I think there should even be support groups or small groups that cater to singles of different ages. My best friend, Sharon, and I spoke about this very thing last week. Sometimes the church is guilty of lumping age groups together that don’t really make sense. I am not going to have the struggles and life choices of an 18 year old and vice versa. An 18 year old is probably focused on college while a person in their 30s are more than likely focused on a career. Because of differing topics and issues like that, maybe more churches should look into restructuring the singles ministry as a whole.
Don’t ever get me wrong. I definitely want marriage. It’s probably the top thing on my prayer list next to wanting water to taste like soda (Ya’ll, water nasty, lol). But I want to be a good thing, a blessing to my husband, BEFORE the ring. I don’t want to go home after the wedding and he look at me like, “I married this messed up, jacked up hell spawn? God, I want a refund!” I want to bring more to the table than a cute shape and a good meal. I want to be able to talk effectively to him. I want to be unselfish enough to pray for him and for our family. I want to raise our babies in a home free from anger, filled with Jesus, and overflowing with positivity. I want to work through some of the baggage I’ve gathered over the years. I don’t want to hold my husband captive to what men in my past did. I want him to see me happy and whole. I want to know the Word of God for myself so that I will be able to water my home with that same Word that’s already lodged deep in my heart. I want to be emotionally healthy. I want to know how to be a good steward over what I have now so that I can be an even better steward over what God blesses my family with later. I want to be rooted and grounded in Jesus because truth be told, love ain’t always pretty. I’m pretty sure there will be days I don’t like my husband. But I want to be able to submit to him and trust that God will do the rest. If I don’t even know how to submit to my Savior now in my singleness, though, how in the world do I expect to be able to submit to my husband??
Grandma, trust me, I’m good. This one of the best seasons of my life. It really is. I feel like I’ve had more laughter and joy in this here season then I ever had in the season where all I focused on was wanting me a man. And if I spent my very best season, biting my nails, and shakin’ my fist at God for not givin’ me a man, then I’m missing out on the very things that He’s trying to bless me with. I have learned to be content. I have learned to laugh at the very things that used to have me trembling with fear. I have learned to freakin’ believe what God says over what the world says. It took FOREVER to get here. It did. But I’m truly okay going home to my Jesus, my Ethan, and my Bible. I want marriage, but it can’t and won’t ever define me or be the determining factor to my happiness. My happiness, my joy, my strength, and my identity is all wrapped up in the One who gave His life to complete me. My God knows my heart and if He wants me married, He knows also that I’m picky, so whoever He working in and on gotta be ready for Key and all of Key plus allll of Ethan, too. Honestly, that’s probably why it’s taking so dang long, lol.
I shed tears sometimes because I’m a hopeless romantic at heart and I truly love being in love. I love forehead kisses and tulips. I love feeling safe with someone and laughing until my insides hurt. But I know what premature love looks like, too. I know what it feels like to be in a room with someone you’ve been with in every possible way and feel like they know nothing about you. I know what it feels like to ignore God’s warnings of the red flags and jump right into a disaster. The soul ties, the brokenness, the attempts to change my very core in order to be exactly what another person wants— those are things I don’t want to deal with anymore. My heart holds the scars of love that was outside of the will of God and it ain’t worth it.
I know that things I’ve gotten through prayer is soooo much sweeter when it comes in God’s timing. I know without a doubt that my God loves me. He wakes me up everyday and watches over me as I sleep at night. He corrects me. He guides me. He provides for me, comforts me, reads through the needs vs wants of my prayers and decides what’s best. Finding me a man? Pssh. That’s child’s play for Him. So, yes grandma, it’s taking a while, but I’d rather wait for His best than settle for my watered down version of good enough. Jesus fills me up to overflow. He completes me. Do I get lonely at times? Yes. But I thank Him for family, friends, and the times I get to spend at His feet. Do I want some help with the bills? Of course! But to be honest, the Word I read says that my God will supply all my needs, not a man (Philippians 4:19). Do I want affection? Sure do! But I don’t want it at the cost of my morals or my peace. Everytime I choose to go ahead of God and date my way, it ends up costing me more than what it’s worth. I want God’s perfect timing. I don’t want a love that looks like the world’s version of what love is. I want a love where people can truly say, “Man, God Himself hooked that up!”
To my grandma and to the world, believe me when I say this: I’m good. I’m aiight. I’m straight. I’m whatever phrase you want to use to describe being ok. Trust me. God got me covered in this season and every other season in my life. My bet now and always will be on God, and He’s never ever failed me yet. And to the singles out there reading this right now: Keep hope alive. Keep ya head up. Live yo’ life and yo’ truth. We are some of the strongest somebodies out there and the world NEEDS our stories, our purposes, and our determination. God has never and will never forget you. How could He? You belong to Him! Keep pressing. Keep praying. Keep going. Trust me, for all of us, the best is yet to come!!