I can’t sleep.
I HATE when I can’t sleep. I hate it because for one thing, sleep is like the number one thing that I LOVE to do in life. For another thing, it usually means that my mind is so busy that I won’t get any rest until I wake up and settle it. To settle it, I usually need God to help me dump out some of the crazy thoughts all lodged in my head.
This time is no different.
I love that God never sleeps. Can you believe that? Just think about that for a moment. God NEVER sleeps. He’s all over the place all at one time. He’s catering to me, and you, and someone halfway across the country, but without putting anyone on hold for the other. He’s listening to praise reports and prayer requests. He’s listening to dreams of little girls and boys. He’s listening to the woman who desires a family or the guy that needs help with a struggle. He is the ultimate 24 hour hotline, lol.
Even though God doesn’t need sleep, I sure do. So when getting up, I prayed some and read some and thought about how my Saturday went. I thought about the conversation I had with my son in the car on our way home. Though I was hesitant to do this, I went ahead and told Ethan what happened with my job. The convo went a little something like this:
Me: Ethan, I no longer work for the company I was working for. They decided to lay me off.
Ethan: What’s laying off?
Me: It’s when a company has a certain budget or money set aside to take care of people that work for them. In that budget, it covers the cost of people’s benefits and them getting paid. If that budget needs to be fixed, they sometimes have to lay people off.
Ethan: So you pretty much got fired.
Me: Well, it’s not the same words. Fired is a little different.
Ethan: Sounds to me like ya got fired.
Me: Ok, Ethan, whatever word you use, I don’t work there, but I did apply for another position. I hope to get it, but I also kinda want to work for myself.
Ethan: Work for yourself…why?? You just let me know when they call you to give you that other job.
My son. He’s such a little man. I wish that sometimes I could squeeze into that tiny head of his and figure out why he says the things he says. I wish my son understood my desire to work for myself, and at the time, I didn’t even feel like fully explaining it. Maybe another time I will, but for now, I just wanna focus on the last thing he said. “Just let me know when they call you for that other job.” He said it with such ease and confidence that it blew me away. Like even when I went back and tried to explain that I’d have to go interview for the job and everything, his face was like, um hum, blah, blah, blah; I’m positive that what you want, you’ll have.
I need that Ethan kind of faith.
I used to think it was the craziest thing for Jesus to constantly tell people to have faith. Why would He need to continue to remind the very people who witnessed His miracles first hand that they need to have faith???! Didn’t they see all He did? Didn’t they witness Him heal people, make the dead live, and feed thousands off of a few fish and some loaves of bread??? After seeing all of that, who wouldn’t believe????
Ummmmm, way to call the kettle black, Key. After everything Jesus has done for you, you struggle with faith, too.
Now I totally get why the apostles asked Jesus about faith.
Luke 17:5-6 (NLT)
5 The apostles said to the Lord, “Show us how to increase our faith.”
6 The Lord answered, “If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘May you be uprooted and be planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you!
Wow. Show us how to increase our faith. That’s such a real thing to ask of Jesus, and for Jesus to respond how He did….wow. Jesus didn’t make His apostles feel stupid. He didn’t throw out a laundry list of all He had done already and all the miracles that they had seen for themselves. He gave them the answer that He knew they needed. Just have some mustard seed faith. Ethan got that mustard seed faith, and his mama needs to follow suit.
If you have never looked up what a mustard seed looks like, you need to. The thang is tiny..it’s like super small. Jesus didn’t tell us to have this huge, mountain-sized faith. He said if we believe, just a little, we can do the impossible. Where is my mustard seed faith? Why am I failing at believing Him?
I don’t really have a good answer to that. I really don’t. I know Jesus. I’m in love with Him. I trust Him. But do I trust Him all the time?? Not really. Life happens. Things get thrown at me and I have no clue of what to do. I worry. I get scared. I absolutely hate not having a plan all written down, nice and pretty. Jesus, I need you to help me increase my faith! What I’m going through now is a pretty big and scary thing. This is a mountain that I never really imagined facing. I have ideas that just won’t let me make it. I got a book of dreams and I have no clue how to execute them. I feel like too many folks are already jumping on what I want to do. I’m 31, Lord. Ain’t it a little late in the game to want to do your own thing? I want a legacy left behind for my family, sure, but what does that look like? What if I fail? What will people say? Where do I start? Is this really a dream that You support, and is this Your will for my life? I don’t want to pursue this for the wrong reasons. I don’t ever want to do something that You don’t support or bless. I don’t want to make what I want to do be about fame or a stage or making my name great. I’m so me-centered, Lord, but I want to be Christ-centered and I need help with that. What do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I move this mountain of issues that are towering over me???
Mark 11:22-24 (NLT)
22 Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. 23 I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. 24 I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.
Have faith in God.
I asked what I needed to do, and Your instructions are always so simple, yet so deep. I need to sit my butt still, and have faith in God. God has shown up and showed out in my life time and time again. This time will be no different. Whether I end up getting that job or not, I’m gonna be ok. If I end up having my own business or not, God is still God and He has never failed me, so He won’t start now. I don’t know if I will ever see my ideas come to fruition. I don’t know if I’m crazy to even want to try. I don’t know all the answers, but my God does. It’s time to say, “SHUT UP, DOUBT! THIS MOUNTAIN GONE GET MOVED TODAY!” It’s time to get moving. I gotta believe. I gotta pray. I gotta get that Ethan like faith and trust that things will all work together for my good and God’s glory. Yes, I’m scared. So what?! Fear can’t beat my Jesus and I got Jesus behind me and ahead of me so I’ll be ok.
Lord, I don’t know how to have faith like Ethan, but I’ll sure try to. I’m gonna seek Your face. I’m gonna keep jotting down ways to live out my dreams. I’m gonna listen for Your voice because I know You, and You want more for me than I could ever ask, imagine, or think. I’m gonna keep pushing because I know at the right time, You’re gonna give me the answers and ideas I seek. I so can’t wait for this moment, and to be honest, I’m probably already witnessing it:
Jeremiah 33:3 (NLT)
3 Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come.
I’m asking, Lord. May my heart be open to what You reveal.