Revival.

Per Merriam-webster.com, revival is

1: an act or instance of reviving: the state of being revived: such as

a: renewed attention to or interest in something

b: a new presentation or publication of something old

c: (1): a period of renewed religious interest

(2): an often highly emotional evangelistic meeting or series of meetings

Last night was day one of my church’s revival week.

It. was. bomb.

I just hate that my mind was all over the place.

My mind was stuck on the fool I glanced at that likes to play mind games with my friend.

My mind landed on the woman who I know don’t care for me too much.

Then I had this ultra distracting headache and ended up leaving early.

(And yes, forgive me for having these wrong thoughts in church, but as you should learn by now, I’m saved, but my mind still needs renewing).

What I will say is that I just love H.G. (Holy Ghost, Holy Spirit, my Life line, my Comforter).

Though the preacher taught from Matthew, I had read earlier that morning the same subject he taught on, but in a different book, Luke.

Look how the Lord work. H.G. comes through again for Key.

I looovveeee this passage and it was right on time.

Please click the link below and read it. (If I’m up for it, I just may read this passage in audio).

Luke 8:22-25

Anyway, in the passage, Jesus tells his disciples to get on this boat with Him and He does what I wish I could get paid to do…He naps.

But then comes a storm. I just love how Jesus told them to get on the boat, but didn’t even prep their minds for that storm.

So the storm is going and going and I’m sure they are panicked and freakin’ out. As they should be!

I am scared of drowning so I can only imagine their fear.

Finally, I guess they say enough is enough and go wake Jesus up.

And what does my amazing Jesus do? He gets up, He speaks to the storm and all got calm.

Then he looks at them and says, “Where is your faith?”

Key–Where is your faith?

Last night the preacher said something that I think will stick with me for a long time.

When things happen, we forget Who is on the boat with us. We forget that Jesus is within us. His Spirit, which He left when He ascended into Heaven, is with us.

And on top of that. Jesus didn’t just leave Earth after his resurrection like, “Aaight ya’ll. I’m out, you on your own.”

He left His freakin’ Spirit to help us, to guide us, to help us set this world on fire for Him.

So where is your faith?? Where is it? I’m asking myself the same thing.

I have so much on my shoulders..so much. I just try my best to do a good job at hiding it.

I used to use a drink, or two, or more to try to cope, but since I promised God no more of that, I really gotta lean on Him for real now.

I have dreams of God answering my love story in such a big, huge way that I can’t even fathom how He’s gonna show up for me in that one area that has been such a struggle in my life. God knows that money and a man, a man and money, are the two largest worries on my mind. I live in fear of debt. I hate being broke. I want to give generously and without complaint, but I always feel like money is just sand running through my fingers and I can’t grasp enough of it for the life I wanna build, the things I wanna do, the people I want to bless.

Everybody and they mama know I want marriage. I’ve tried dating sites, I’ve applied for dating shows, I’ve went out on blind dates, I’ve done speed dating. I’ve been told that I was broken by an ex. I’ve been told by someone (in text I might add) that I wasn’t who God led them to date. I’ve been really hurt and really made a fool of. I know what it feels like to love somebody and you’re trying to pretend to be everything they want you to be, you’re trying to not care that God says no to premarital sex, you’re trying to not care that they don’t pray as much or read the Bible every day, you’re trying to live up to their ideal and they STILL leave you.

Nobody not nobody, but my God knows the tears I’ve cried over being 33, single, and a mom, living in a culture that tells me it’s ok to be Christian and date, just adjust your standards some cuz what guy wants a girl that ain’t puttin out especially if you got a kid already.

Nobody knows how tough it can be for me to just wear my natural hair. I’ve wanted lighter skin, a better body, a different look or style. I hide behind a wig or being a Delta, or whatever else I can use as a crutch to cover my real insecurities.

Nobody knows how rejected I’ve felt, how much I’ve tried to conform to please a man and how I’ve had to push my real self down, tone my save-ness down to make him feel less uncomfortable. This life gets so lonely even though I live in a house filled with people.

I want babies, a home, and a heart to care for. I want to be a cheerleader for somebody, a safe place and a lap for my hubby to lay his head on. I lie to myself and say I don’t want the white dress and the wedding with a candy bar (yes, a candy bar with Trollis bc I’m crazy about candy), but I do, I really do. I want all that while my mind is telling me I’m not enough, I’ve already got a kid. Who wants a single mom? He left. So and so didn’t stay and you think you can get someone saved saved, fine, and a ready made step dad? You think you can have someone THAT out of your league??

What league though???

Who I want may seem untouchable, but at the end of the day there is no other Key. No one else was created how I was and I’m not created like others, I was created IN HIS IMAGE Genesis 1:27.

I have had a tribe of friends who’ve stood by me in my happiest highs and my lowest of lows. When I’ve been depressed and didn’t even know or wanna admit to being depressed, they’d beat down my door and let me sit and cry with no judgment, only love and a few jokes to help me laugh through the tears. I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong in a group with them, that I brought no value and that I’d have to compete with them (in my head of course) because why oh why would God ever say that I’m good enough to be in a group of educated, beautiful, kind, boss women? After YEARS of being with them I’m JUST NOW realizing that I belong in their circle, that I’m one of them, that I’m loved for me and that there ain’t no other Key. God placed His DNA in me, nobody else got my personality, my dreams, shoot nobody can even mimic my fingerprints cuz my God got such attention to detail.

So I’m gonna keep dreaming big and trusting God and telling others to do the same.

I’m gonna keep serving and loving and praying and believing because after all God has done, after how He has set me free and had the nerve to place His amazing and gracious Holy Ghost in a vessel like me, the LEAST I can do is this and more. The LEAST I can do is obey Him. The LEAST I can do is trust Him and know that no matter the storm, He’s right there on the boat with me.

I’m gonna trust. I’m gonna believe. I’m gonna watch what HE WILL do.

Father in Heaven, I love you so so much. Not just because You bless me like crazy. But because in the midst of every single storm, You give peace. You give favor. You make a way. How I haven’t lost my mind is a testament to Your goodness and Your mercy. I want so bad to be a business owner, a writer, an encourager, a great mom and sis and daughter and friend. Yes, I want the followers and the readers of this blog, but at the end of the day, the applause of this world means nothing if You ain’t clappin’ Daddy.

I beat myself up so bad over how I’ve failed my son or disappointed my family in my poor choices. I beat myself up daily that I’m not good enough, but I. Am. Tired.

I can’t keep living my life like You ain’t good. I can’t keep living like I don’t believe what You say in Your Word. Jeremiah 32:17 reminds me that You created the heavens and the earth. You, YOU made allllll of that. NOTHING is too hard for You.

I trust that one day, I’ll be able to mimic the words of my friend Semaj and tell my husband (parapharsing of course cuz ya’ll know my memory be trash sometimes) that I would go through all I went through all over again to get to him. I just know you got some amazing things in store for me and everyone that’s attached to me. I can’t wait, Daddy. I’m so excited that I could burst.

I’m getting ready. And I’m giving You thanks in advance for all that You’re going to do to revive me.

I love You, God…so much.

Love always, Key♥️