I’ll be 36 in 4 days.
WHOA. I’m getting up there.
Getting older often makes me reflect.. mostly on things I don’t want to return to, things I wish I could’ve done better, and what I hope to work on moving forward. I reflect on my wins, but mainly on the losses. I reflect on the times I wasn’t the best parent or times I completely lost myself over a guy. But I mainly reflect on the current playlist always running amok in my head.
I’m not enough.
You’re hitting closer to 40, Key. You STILL ain’t been chosen to be wifey material? Just settle already.
Your son will resent you one day.
No one will really ever accept the real you.
You have to strive to be liked. Strive. Strive. Strive. Perform. Do more so God will applaud you. Do so people will accept you.
All this and even uglier things are always in my head. Things men have said to me that were cruel. The one time I was in elementary and was picked on for wearing non name brand pants while riding the bus. (Yes, something that silly has STILL stuck with me).
The common theme of this playlist? The underlying theme?
I’ve felt rejection pretty much all my life.
Sure, I was always in the popular circle. But I never felt like I belonged. I never felt like I was truly included. Even now, in adulthood, I feel like I’m constantly playing this role where I’m not really me, but I’m the me I’m hoping you like. I paste on a smile, which very well may be sincere, but I don’t want to rock the boat. I don’t want to make anyone mad. I don’t want to be un-liked. Because me not being liked leads to rejection and that rejection.. Man, it never knows when to leave does it?
It always pulls up a chair, sits down and hangs out, like it belongs in the home of my mind.
I wish it would leave.
I was listening to this podcast the other day (The Christian mindset coach). The speaker, Alicia Michelle, was saying how Jesus felt rejection.
Hold up. What you say?! Jesus experienced rejection??!!
She went on to say that Jesus was rejected and killed by His own people and how He was often misunderstood.
“He was despised and rejected— a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.” Isaiah 53:3 (NLT)
“He came to his own people, and even they rejected him.” John 1:11 (NLT)
“The next Sabbath he began teaching in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed. They asked, “Where did he get all this wisdom and the power to perform such miracles?” Then they scoffed, “He’s just a carpenter, the son of Mary and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas, and Simon. And his sisters live right here among us.” They were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.” Mark 6:2-3 (NLT)
These are just a few examples to prove my point, but if you look up scriptures on Jesus being rejected, there are plenty.
Man…the truth of that is wild to me. When my thoughts go to Jesus, it’s often thoughts on His divinity, not on His humanity.
But didn’t Jesus come to Earth to not only save us, but to relate to us???
He knows rejection. He knows sorrow. He knows joy. He knows loss. Jesus FELT, y’all. We often complain that He doesn’t get how we feel, but if we really sat and thought about it, He does.
It makes me think about this YouTube Bible study I listened to one day by Deanna Lorea. (That girl is the truth, y’all).
She was basically saying that Jesus died on the cross and came back, but before going to Heaven, He just was poppin’ up on people. (Imagine that, lol). What’s crazy though is that He didn’t come back with His hands healed (like He could have), but He chose to keep the scars on His hands. Him doing this, shows that He too can relate to the scars we carry. And don’t we carry around so many? But here we are forgetting that our Savior had them too.
Wow. Just wow.
I’m so thankful that I serve a Savior who can relate to me and my stupid feelings of rejection. I’m so blessed to know that this rejection battle is one I no longer have to fight on my own.
So now, rejection sits down, but it sees Jesus entering the room. And Jesus.. He’s such a gentleman. He smiles, pulls up a seat and sits. He sits and stares rejection in the face and something incredible happens. Rejection has to leave. It’s uncomfortable around the beauty and freedom of my Jesus.
So Jesus—take a seat. Thank You for preparing a table for us. And this table y’all.. it’s big enough for ALL of us. So come! Bring whatever you’re carrying and unburden yourself. Let’s enjoy our seat at the table of freedom.
My Lord and Savior…Jesus. You are my anchor.
Rejection has found its home with me for so long. It hurts. I hurt over people who’ve hurt me, but I also hurt over those I may have injured with my words or actions, too. I’m sorry for anyone that may have felt rejection from me because I myself know how it sticks with you. May I be forgiven for this. May I also be healed of the hurt left by those who’ve rejected me. I Thank You in advance for my healing and that I’m not in this alone. Thank You that the more I read the Word, the more I see that I’m accepted, loved, called, chosen and so much more. I didn’t have to work for it either. Thank You for that, Lord. Jesus—-where You aren’t, may no one find me there. But everywhere You go….though I’m scared, though I may throw a fit, though I may lose popular opinion or friends & following, though people may call me crazy, it don’t even matter—where You go, I’ll follow. I’ll follow You to my freedom, my calling, to being made new. Bless the reader of this blog. May they find the freedom they need in You, too.
I’m Yours forever.