“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭31‬:‭25‬ ‭(NLT‬‬)

So I cried this past Tuesday in a restaurant on my 36th birthday.

Yep. Big girls really do cry (despite what that catchy old song says).

I made this reservation weeks, WEEKS in advance, so of course I was super excited. I could picture in my mind the cute photos I’d take, how pretty I’d be, the bougie dessert I’d munch on.

None of that happened.

Right before dinner, I’m getting dressed and my jumpsuit don’t fit.

Okayyyyyy. I tried this on a few days before so whyyyyy is it determined to hug my thighs a little too much??? Okay, whatever. I’ll change into the Fashion Nova dress in the back of my closet that I’ve never worn.

Tight. Tigghtttt tight tight is the only description for this dress. And short. Dang that dress was short.

I had to get my brother and his girlfriend to help zip this thang up, so I should’ve just sat my tail down somewhere, but I was determined to make this reservation in Dallas or die tryin’.

So even though I KNOW the dress is all wrong, in my head, I make it right and I tip toe to my car in heels I can barely walk in. (I got so much respect for heel wearers. I really wish I were one. Every time I wear heels, I feel like I’m one of those characters on stilts, clumsily walking and looking dumb)🤦🏾‍♀️

Off I go in Luca 2.0 (yes, that’s my Honda’s name, lol) and I’m trying to calm my nerves, listen to music, ask God for a pass in this “made for a toddler” dress cuz it’s my bday and I want to wear something different, not go to my usual spot (Pappadeaux) and have a bday with no depression or drinkin’ involved.

I finally get there in the traffic that almost made me nuts (ugh, I hate Dallas traffic) and the valet people are super nice. I peel myself from the car knowing good and well the valet folk prob done seen allll my goodies in that dress (sorry, God), and I adjust my shoes before heading in.

I walk in and it is stanky.

Like sewage stank.

The restaurant happens to be on the top floor of a hotel, so maybe the hotel is to blame, or maybe the city itself, but that was the start of a bad night and I should’ve went on home.

I pressed past the smell though.

I get to the hostess and I let her know I had a reservation for 6:30.

“Is your full party here?”

Say what, now? Full party??

I politely let her know that it’s just me.

“Oh, your reservation was for two…we can’t sit one person at a table, but we can sit you at the bar or our lounge area. We also have a complimentary cocktail over there that you can help yourself to.”

I’m hot internally and yeah, I’d love that complimentary cocktail, but I decline it and let her know that my reservation was for 1 and I wasn’t told I couldn’t get a table. She tells me to just try to double check with the hostess upstairs, but they usually don’t sit parties of 1 at tables.

At this point, I’m frustrated, but I’m trying to hold it together.

I get over to the elevator that leads up to the restaurant and there’s an employee that lets me know the elevator takes a bit of time, but it’ll be down soon. He’s polite and as it turns out, he’s from Mississippi like me. I feel a little more at ease as the elevator doors open. I get on and go up up up. The elevator opens to pretty views and a slightly busy restaurant rush. I get to the hostess stand with way too many girls at one podium, but okay.

I let one of them know I had a reservation, but was told downstairs I can’t get a table (though clearly, there are tables open, but they could be reserved.. who knows).

The hostess confirms that I can either sit at the bar, which I was so tempted to say yes to or the lounge area. I look at the lounge area which is basically two cloth looking chairs and a small table in the middle (no clue how you’d eat comfortably there) and I tell her I’ll sit in the lounge area.

I sit down in the baby dress and Steve Madden heels and I’m looking around, waiting for a server, upset at the people laughing at the bar and the couples at tables enjoying their food, and I get frustrated and sad and my eyes just fill with tears. I call my mom and tell her tearfully that, “this is not a good experience,” and ask if she can cook some shrimp for me instead. My mom is the best. She says ok and I get up from that dusty seat and leave.

Later that night, I’m at my parents house, getting served shrimp, broccoli, garlic bread and fries. My mama even got me some Welch’s non alcoholic Rose’. I was happy. I ended the night for real happy.

Fast forward to yesterday, and I’m leaving the gym. My car won’t start.

Luca, you trippin’. I have only had this car for about 3 years, so why? WHY?

I don’t trip though. I make sure Ethan’s dad can get Ethan to his hair appointment (cuz Ethan serious about that dang hair), and I text my family to see who can help me. Thank God I got my family here. As I wait on my brother to come jump me off, I talk to God and I wait. I don’t have a meltdown like I probably would’ve in the past, but I’m ok. My only concern is that I really wanted to go to this women’s Bible Study later and it’s our first meeting, so I really really don’t want to miss it.

My brother comes and jumps me off and I get home and turn the car off. I crank it again just to be sure it’s good and I go in the house to get dressed for the Bible study.

I come back out to my car and it ain’t crankin’.

Ugh. Am I not supposed to go to this study, Lord? Like what is happening??!

I call my brother outside and he jumps me off, probably thinking to himself, “I wish this girl would sit down somewhere.”

Off I go (with his jumper cables) determined to get to the study and just ask for a boost after so I can go to Auto Zone.

I really really didn’t want to miss this meeting.

I get there 10 min late (which I HATE because punctuality is my thing), but I get to the door apologizing and I’m greeted with a hug. I’m told they just made cinnamon rolls so they haven’t even started yet (yay God).

They tell me to pick a seat which I do and it’s a notecard in the seat. I pick it up and read:

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭31‬:‭25‬

The meeting starts and we’re asked to read our scripture aloud and give a highlight of our week.

I read my scripture and let them know what happened on my birthday and how hard it was, but that I was okay in the end.

As I concluded how my bday story ended up being a highlight, the young lady beside me named Elizabeth reminded me, “You’re clothed in strength and dignity…”

And she’s right.

I’m clothed in strength and dignity.

It takes strength to see the glass as half full, especially when being negative can come so easy at times.

It took strength to leave that restaurant and not go to my room and be sad and cry and isolate like it’s so easy for me to do.

It takes strength to not go back to the things that used to comfort me in my pain. It takes strength not to text that dude back who thought I was asking for too much when I asked to be called daily. I know it was going nowhere, but dang I get lonely and I get tempted to call him, but my strength won’t let me.

It takes strength to be crying silent tears in the middle of the night, upset that the prayers I’ve prayed for years still seem so out of reach, yet I get up and tell God that He is good anyway.

It takes strength to not pick up a wine glass, or a margarita, or any alcoholic beverage just to escape my feelings, numb the voices that are so loud in my head. It’s hard y’all. My heart hurts. I’m hurting. But I can’t go back to that. I can’t.

My God.

You give me the strength I need.

I thought about this scripture the other day and it’s so real in this season of my life.

“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬ ‭(NLT)

I love this version even more though:

“But the Lord said, “My grace is all you need. Only when you are weak can everything be done completely by my power.” So I will gladly boast about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can stay in me.” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬ ‭(ERV‬‬)

I feel weak y’all. But at the same time, I feel soooo powerful. That’s Christ. And if He can do that for me, He can do that for you.

Every day of my walk with Christ ain’t beautiful, but it’s worth it. The things I used to do, the way I used to live left me so empty. Christ is the only one that allows me to live full. I’m full of joy. I’m full of hope. I’m full of faith.. even in the midst of my tears and pain.

So, I’m gone get to laughin’ and y’all are welcome to laugh with me. We have a God that knows our future and promises to be there with us, no matter what so really, what have we to fear?

Let’s let God be God. Know that when we are weak, we are truly strong in Christ.

God. You are so good. I can’t do life without You and I’m so grateful that You don’t want me to. God, only You know the tears I cry, but only You can turn my tears to laughter, give me beauty for ashes, and promise me a future filled with beauty and hope. You are all I need. You are the desire of my heart. I pray for the person reading this right now. You know what they’re going through and have gone through. You know their every need, every desire, every dream. May You revive their dreams, may You give them hope when they’re hopeless, may You remind them that You are God Almighty even when it seems You’re silent. You have good good plans for us. May they be fulfilled. May we believe it to be true.

I love you, Lord.

Your daughter forever,

Key♥️