Okay, so can I be honest?
This been a rough week (maybe month?) for ya girl.
My brain has NOT been G-rated lately (if I can be candid) and it’s tough.
I mean I’m realllllyyy reallyyyyyy tryna be good. I’m being mindful of the stuff I’m listening to. I’m mindful of what I watch. I’m knowing good and well that I probably need to fast, butttt I don’t feel like it right now, Lord. Man, I love snacks and I just don’t want to avoid snacks this week to fast🤦🏾♀️ (I know I should know better, but I’m just being honest, y’all).
I can do my part with trying to hold myself accountable, but Lord, what about ol’ dude walking around jogging with no shirt on? Why is this dude’s beard beardin’ today? Lol. Help me, Lord.
I even broke down and told my single sisters group chat that I wanna do it and I’m struggling (yes, I’m speaking about sex y’all…like, I know my mama and grandmother reads this so I’m tryna watch my words, but they know I’m grown grown, so I’ll just go ahead and say, YES. I WANT SOME SEX AND THIS IS HARD).
So OF COURSE when you strugglin’, ya past will come a’knockin.
Text— When are you coming back?
My thoughts prior to a response:
Come back to what?
Why would I?
So I’m missed huh?
So now YOU lonely and got time?
Should I??? I should. Nope. Scrap that response Key.
God got better coming. Hold out.
My response— I’m not. I want more than what you’re willing to give🤷🏾♀️ I’m glad we can still be friends though!
That’s when I started thinking allll these things to myself——
I’m not ya secret. I’m not ya side chick. I’m not ya second chance. I deserve more.
I demand more now vs how I used to settle for crumbs. A daughter of God don’t settle for crumbs when I got a whole seat at a table He’s prepared just for me, His Daughter. Let alllll that sink in for you, too. We are His KIDS. We are made in HIS image. Before He even formed us fully, He had plans for us, good plans and yeah, sometimes we deviate from the path or make dumb decisions (me🙋🏾♀️) but that never stops God from being God. He’s never surprised by anything we do and I’ve found in life that He’s the perfect redirector. He’ll redirect you!
Merriam-Webster’s definition of redirect is this:
“to change the course or direction of”
He’ll step in and REDIRECT. He’ll change the course of your entire life and the you people thought they knew will be a thing of the past. My God has the ability to make all things new, YES, even you (2 Corinthians 5:17).
And you may be thinking, “I can’t change. It’s too hard. I just can’t do it, and it’s no use trying.”
Let me let you in on a little secret I’ve discovered.. when you say “no” to the things that you KNOW ain’t pleasing to God, you get stronger, you get tougher, you build up that endurance needed to say “no” to the wrong things, but “yes” to the right things, even if those right things are hard.
If I can be real, I’m so tired. I don’t know about you, but for me, I’m tired of living life raggedy. I’m tired of going to church on Sundays and worshipping this big, beautiful, huge, powerful, and capable God and then on Mondays act like He just disappeared like mist. I’m tired of not believing God can be the God of my every day. I’m tired of not including Him in every detail of my life. In my heart, I want to know and believe that He cares when I cry after someone hurt me. I want to believe that He sees that I’m really trying to be a better mama though I wish I could do so much differently and that He senses the fears I have of my son not loving me or thinking I suck as his mama. I want to believe that when I cry because my thoughts get loud at night.. reminding me that yet another friend is getting hitched or is pregnant and I’m on year 6 and no real relationship has stuck…He sees this and He’s mourning with me. I want to believe He sees me and that He loves what He sees. I want to believe He’s giving me quiet encouragement, telling me to keep going, keep doing well, keep it up because all of Heaven, this great cloud of witnesses are rooting for me and His Son—my Savior Jesus—is interceding for me and cheering me on, too.
I want to believe that with all my heart.
And I want to believe that even though it’s hard to stay consistent in purity ESPECIALLY in this culture and the tv and movies and the gym and books and everyone that acts like singles should be made of steel or for those who just say, “forget it, I’m gonna do what I want with my body regardless of how God feels,” …..I want to believe God got better for me. I want to believe that I’m a gift worth unwrapping for the right man, at the right time, in the context of marriage. I have made so many mistakes. I don’t want to KEEP making them. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I’m tired of walking around insane. I’m ready to live new. I’m ready to live like I know God and His Word is real. I’m ready to be new new.
The question now is—-Are you?
God, I’m starting to believe You and trust You more. It terrifies me though. I’m aware that the enemy could care less if we out here half steppin’ or living in complacency and passiveness. But once we start living free, once he sees that we are starting to see that life ain’t a game and You allow us to be on Your side, the winning side…he don’t like it and will come against anyone trying to get others to freedom. Well, guess it’s time to give You all the terrified feelings. Because I’m not gonna stop telling others about how You set me free. I won’t shut up about how if You can change and transform me and my heart, You can do it for others, too. My hands are open, my heart is open, and I’m just open to what You want to do, how You want me to move, who You want me to be. Psalms 139 says that “You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. (Psalms 139:15-16– NLT). I used to think that was just a cute passage of scripture. Not anymore. You’ve already written out our journeys before we’ve even lived it out. We aren’t here by chance and we’re not a fluke. You took time to make us, create us, and You got goooood plans for us. Help us to believe. Help us to obey. Help us to overcome our unbelief. We love You, God and we thank You for the good plans You have just for us and Your promise to always be with us.
I’ll love you forever, Daddy.
Your child, Key ♥️