So I was called “weird” at work yesterday, lol.
I was sitting around with my work peeps, eating breakfast (I ate some fruit which I don’t normally do – yayyyy – I’m proud of myself, ya’ll 😂 ) when we started to discuss books and shows we like. I mentioned that sometimes I like to look at the last episode of a series to see if I even wanna invest in watching it.
I got laughed at. Andddd, I got told I was weird.
That got me to thinking – well, I laughed first and then it got me thinking – this is probably why I have such an issue with allowing God to lead the way with no roadmap, no blueprint, no “final episode” to tell me what’s up ahead.
I want to know what’s next and how it ends!
Like watching the last episode of a Netflix series, I just wanna know what’s gone happen!!
And God just be out there with His hand open asking me to come on out and trust Him with no detailed checklist to offer me, while I’m somewhere hiding behind a door, too scared to do it.
It’s wild when you think about it.
I have such a problem with that though.
I have a problem with my problem of trusting Him.
But ya’ll – ain’t it hard? Surrender? I THRIVE on controlling outcomes and trying to avoid as much pain or hard stuff as possible.
Plus I want to know what’s next. What if what’s next is hard? What if it hurts? What if I can’t recover from it? What if it’s horrible and terrible and I have a no good very bad day? (I’m referencing a book by the way, lol).
Mind you, I NEVER think of the best outcomes or if some beautiful blessing is on the way or just around the corner. It’s always me bracing myself for something bad. I hate that I’m like that.
I hate that I just can’t grab God’s hand and throw caution to the wind.
I’m just too scared.
This week, as I was listening to a guided meditation – the speaker asked us to imagine being on a long road, where what’s ahead is unknown. Behind you is all that’s familiar and busy and what you consider to be “safe” since it’s so what you’re used to. Then all of a sudden up ahead, you see a cozy little house with a porch light on in the distance.
As we continue to look at that house, we see a figure come out on the porch. It’s the Lord. He’s waiting. You walk that road and get to Him and His arms are open. He pulls you into a hug. He leans back to look at you, and tells you that He’s gonna walk with you the rest of the way.
At this point, I’m all emotional and crying, cuz, DUH, that’s just what I do in my quiet time often and instead of me thinking that I’d just smile and take His offer, I imagine myself looking at Him and saying, “Where were You when I was hurting and my heart was broken?”
“Where were You?”
I stopped my mental picture then, because that thought….it was hard and painful to process.
How can I trust You, Lord, when stuff hurts so bad sometimes? How can I trust You when I don’t know what’s up ahead????
Well, the next day, I went for my morning walk. I was thinking and praying and it was kind of dark since it was so early in the morning. The school parking lot I walk around has these lights around it and as I walked past one, it got brighter. I had never noticed it before, which is wild. But I walked past another, and it happened again – it got brighter. It made me think.
Ain’t that what happens in our journey with Jesus??
“You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” – Psalms 16:11 (NIV)
That’s the verse I thought about as I walked while looking up at some lights in a semi-dark parking lot.
God will make the paths known.
I just gotta trust Him.
Is it hard? Yes.
But I will be honest. I think it gets easier as time goes on.
There have been things I prayed for, dudes I thought I wanted sooooo bad and was so upset that they rejected me and in God’s goodness, somehow, I’ve seen how I am soooo glad that I got God’s “no”.
He’s my Daddy, my Abba…He ain’t out here tryna hurt me. He’s trying to protect me. He wants the best for me. And sometimes, He gotta say no to some stuff I THINK I want.
I think it’s so beautiful how God reveals things even through my son, Ethan. I love my Ethan so much. If I could, I’d move Heaven and Earth to see him happy and given a good life. But sometimes, in my wisdom as his parent, I gotta say no to some stuff. He may not understand it and he may get ticked off at me and sometimes I give him an explanation, other times, I don’t.
But he better know this and I think he does know this – his mama loves him, so much.
Same goes for our God. I better know this and you better know it, too – Our Daddy loves us.
It doesn’t mean life won’t get hard. It doesn’t mean our hearts won’t ever break. It doesn’t mean that all our prayer requests will be answered, especially in the ways we think. My eyes are welling up in tears even as I write this because there are things my heart wants so bad, and I keep asking God will it ever happen and I am met with silence. Silence can hurt. Man, it really can. But I can see the beauty in it. I see the beauty of Him. Because I have experienced God’s faithfulness. I’ve seen His provision. I’ve witnessed His goodness. And because of allll that and so much more, I can’t stop loving Him and trusting Him, even if I hear nothing. He’s my God. He’s my Daddy, and He loves me.
In silence or speaking. In good times or bad. In plenty or in want. He is worthy of my love and worthy of my trust.
He is good. He is wise. He sees what’s ahead and whenever we take those steps forward, He’s already there, waiting, patient, hand out.
Grab His hand.
He’s waiting and what a life He has for us up ahead and how amazing a God He is to never ask us to walk it alone.
Let’s get to steppin’.
My God. I love You. I’m scared, but You’re teaching me to be undaunted (that word I told you is my word for this year). I will take Your hand. I will let You lead. You’re the only One that knows what’s best anyway and fighting it has me tired. Lead, Lord. Love me. Carry me when I can’t go on. I surrender.
May the reader or listener of this blog do the same. You’re our safe place. You are Who we can totally trust. May we take the steps necessary to live the beautiful life You prepared for us in advance.
I will love You forever.
Love,
Your daughter – Key ♥️
** To be honest, most times when I suggest songs, it’s so you can listen to them play in the background as you read since I mostly write my blogs as the songs play. It makes your reading experience more enjoyable cuz I’m honestly one of those weirdos who wished her life had a soundtrack that played while life’s biggest moments happened 😂
