THAT peace

(For audio, hit that side triangle above😆)

So ya girl is going through it. 

And although I wanted to hide my business and just keep this all to myself, my blog is literally my outlet, my therapy, my happy place, and my time to vent and be real that being a believer can very well be a big struggle. 

Yes, I love Jesus. 

Yes, I believe God is good. 

Yes, I completely believe that the Holy Spirit dwells within me and directs me often.

However, in this moment, in this time, during this month, I’ve felt a lot of feelings and I feel utterly alone. 

It’s one of those moments where I wonder if unbelievers are going, “So where is your God when you need Him?”

I myself have asked God, “Where are You?” 

“Help.”

“I’m tired.”

“Why aren’t You responding????!”

Long story short, I got some charge-offs that have held me back from securing a place to live.

Charge-offs. (I know I should be old enough to know better, but I had no idea). Who woulda thunk THIS would keep me out of a nice place or ANY place for that matter?? Not me!

This is most def a lesson that I’ll be teaching my son (along with the advice to stay away from payday loans, never fool with debt consolidation companies, and take extra care of ya credit, cuz it’s hard out here in these streets).

I can’t even tell you how much I’ve cried, prayed, cried, and just told God that I flat-out am tired of Him doing nothing and watching me struggle. 

I’ve told Him that I think He’s leaving me hangin.’

I’ve told Him that I don’t even want to pray. Even when I try to pray, it ain’t for long.

I don’t want to sit still. 

I don’t want to talk to Him. 

I. am. tired.

Where is the solution God? Where is the help?

Why would you bless me with a freakin’ raise and I can’t even get blessed with a place for me and my kid???!

I’m over it.

Why am I lyin’ to myself, though??

I may feel over it. I may feel disappointment and anger. I may feel like this is the worst thing that could be happening right now and I am out of plans or solutions. 

I might even feel that God has abandoned me and that my prayers are being ignored and that God could care less.

But my heart knows better. 

Cuz even in the tears and the stress and the worry, my heart got something that just won’t go away….I got peace.

“Do not be anxious or worried about anything, but in everything [every circumstance and situation] by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, continue to make your [specific] requests known to God.

And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] which transcends all understanding, [that peace which] stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours].” ‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬-‭7‬ ‭AMP‬‬

THAT peace is indeed mine. 

It’s the craziest thing and I can’t even properly describe it, but I honestly have peace in the midst of all this chaos.

I don’t know where I’ll stay. 

I don’t know the right choice to make.

My son probably lookin’ up side my head like, “why you ain’t make better choices??”

But through it all, I got that peace. 

I got people who love me. 

I got folks praying for me. 

I got the Word reminding me that every detail of my life, every tear I cry, every emotion I feel..it all matters to God. 

And just like Moses spoke to God face-to-face, as one speaks to a friend (Exodus 33:11), so can I. 

If you have a really good friend, one you really love and trust, you can be yourself and not hide. You can express your emotions without judgment. You can just be you, no mask, no fakin’, no keepin’ it together, but being fully able to fall apart—I for real want that with God. I’m definitely upset with Him right now (even though I’m to blame for all this). Being real, I’m super sad, disappointed, and hurt. I feel like He can step in cuz He has all the power to do so, but He hasn’t and I don’t understand. I’m His daughter. I’m the apple of His eye. I’m all these beautiful things, but He ain’t budging on my behalf. I feel all this hurt and frustration. All these feelings..I can express this all to Him…I can let Him in on what He already knows anyway. Me hiding my emotions is just stupid. He knows what I feel even before I feel it.

And even though I’m feeling all this not-so-warm and fuzzy stuff, no matter what, I love God, I believe in His goodness, and I ain’t going nowhere. 

Even if I wanted to go, where else could I go? I’ve seen You be too faithful, too good, too merciful that there is nowhere else to turn but to You, even though I’m hurting.

My disappointments may make me cut my quiet time. My sadness may make me want to close my Bible. My questions may make me shake my fist at God, but this peace He gives me continues to reassure my heart that I’m His and that He loves me. 

I continue to tell myself that His ways are higher than mine, and His thoughts are as well.

I will never ever know the full plan of God, but I know He will always have a plan that includes love and care (even if I have a hard lesson to learn).

My heart is broken now, but my heart won’t be broken forever. 

This broken heart of mine STILL feels assurance – I’m assured of His care, assured that His eye is on me, and assured that it will be ok.

May my heart always have a peace that won’t leave.

God, I will love You forever.

Your daughter, Key♥️

 

 

Grateful to my friend who sent me this to encourage me….this song did just that:)