Tears in a bottle

(Don’t feel like reading? I’ll read to YOU ♥️)

So this weekend was a LOT.

Ya girl went to a whole “pop the balloon” event (churchy version of course) and I gotta be honest…the experience was surprisingly nice. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, basically I walked into a room with like 5 guys (they didn’t know what I looked like prior and I didn’t know what they looked like either) and I asked questions or had them ask me questions to find a potential match and if you’re not liking the answer, pop goes the balloon.🎈 

Sounds stressful, right?

Yes. It was 😂 

I had been stressed alllll week—

What will I wear?

What about my hair?

My nails a mess.

Will I be received well?

What these dudes gone look like, Lord?

After it was all said and done, I didn’t get a match (and y’all probably gone see this play out on YouTube soon cuz, did I mention this was all filmed?🫣) but I went home all hopeful and feeling pretty only to get almost to my parents’ house and break down in tears.

I think the tears were nerves (like I replayed in my head questions I should’ve asked or responses I should’ve given). I was super nervous and was scared I’d embarrass myself. I’d had only coffee, two energy drinks, a protein bar, and gum (ya’ll, I can’t stress enough that I was NERVOUS) so I was starving. On top of that, while riding home, I reflected on past relationships–the hurts, the failures, the stuff left unsaid, hurtful stuff that WAS said and that along with just simply being tired of wanting the elusive “one for me” left my emotions bubbling over all in my Honda.

I just kept telling God that I’m just tired. I’m so exhausted. I’m tired of loving love.

I’m tired of praying about this or being hopeful about that or the act of simply trying to be optimistic. I’m tired of praying that God will just take away the desire for marriage, cuz if Ya don’t want me married, God just make me wake up with just no desire to be wifed up so I can just move on from this already.

Honestly though, even with alllll of that, I also cried because I felt like God really really protected my heart.

Rewind to earlier in my day…

That morning, I was feeling suppppeerr insecure. Like I feel like I’m not cute a lot, but it was on thick when I got up Saturday.

Well, I did some quiet time with God and for some reason, I felt like reading one chapter out of this book I need to finish called, Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima.

In it she mentioned this man who has told his daughter since she was small, “Let me tell you about you,” and then he says all these sweet and true things about her.

I cried.

Y’all. That chapter tow my heart up.

Cuz that’s so God.

I can just picture Him saying, “Key, let me tell you about you…

You are beautiful.

I know you don’t always feel like it, but you are. I made you; I should know.

You’re a good mom. I know most times you’d disagree, but I see your heart and I know just how much you’re trying your best to love Ethan and he sees it, too.

I don’t know why you don’t think you’re funny or that your personality is lacking. I stay tickled over the things that tickle you. I love how sometimes you laugh so hard that you can barely breathe. Those moments are the best.

I know you’re frustrated that it’s taking a long time for the right guy, but I’d rather you cry out of frustration than cry from a broken heart. I love you so much. I want the best for you and I know how to get the best to you.

And just know that when you cry, I hope you hear me whisper, “come closer,” because I pause and I make sure to come closer to you. Your tears are never wasted, not one. I want you to know that your tears matter to me. They matter because you’re my daughter and I love you.”

I feel like He says that about me.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalms‬ ‭56‬:‭8‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Ya’ll know I gotta give another version that I love just as much.

“You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.” Psalms‬ ‭56‬:‭8‬ ‭MSG‬‬

He keeps track, ya’ll.

And I don’t know about you, but when someone I love cries, it matters to me. I care.

Why would we ever think that our tears don’t matter to God? Why would we ever think that He doesn’t come closer? And who would keep track of your tears unless that were completely, totally in love with you and invested in who you are as a person? Why would He keep track if He didn’t care???

I hurt over a lot, but when I think of life without God, without Jesus saving my soul…I just can’t. I can’t fathom a life where I’m not being loved this deeply and pursued this passionately.

I so often feel like the disciple, Peter, when he told Jesus, “Lord, where would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe in you. We know that you are the Holy One from God.”
John‬ ‭6‬:‭68‬-‭69‬ ‭ERV‬‬

Where would I go, Jesus?

I believe in You. My hope is in You. My heart belongs to You, Jesus.

So, yeah. I get frustrated and disappointed and overwhelmed and scared and lonely, but sometimes I just picture Jesus sitting on the edge of my bed just looking at me lovingly or holding me tight while I cry just because it gets hard.

Life gets hard. And I hate the unknown. But what I’m learning is that in the unknown, God is there. In the scary, He’s there. In the frustration, He’s there. He is there. The Bible tells me so. 

“You are all around me, in front of me and behind me. You put your hand on me to help me.” Psalms‬ ‭139‬:‭5‬ ‭EASY‬‬

He is with me. He’s with you, too. 

Trust Him. Trust His character. Trust that He fights unseen battles for you. Trust that He loves you more than you could ever imagine.

And the next time you cry, trust that He’s closer than you think and rest cuz He got you.

My God, my Daddy in Heaven.

Whether single or married, whether happy or sad, whether on the mountain or in the valley, I give You my trust. I give You my heart. I give You my yes. I don’t understand Your plan, but I do understand that You are good. I’ve witnessed it and even in sadness, I feel it.

Encourage whoever reads or listens to this.

Reveal Yourself to them and let them know, You’re near.

I’ll love You forever.

Your daughter, 

Key♥️

This song captures my heart so accurately (especially Tori’s verse). May it encourage you like it did me. ♥️