I was reading some of Jeremiah in the Bible today and I realized something.
God is always looking for ways to restore us and get our gaze back on Him.
He has every right to do this and common sense tells me I should never ever choose anything over Him. I know in my heart that nothing could ever come close to satisfying me like Him. I know I feel empty when I don’t spend time with Him. I feel lost when I think He’s not near. I feel off balance when I’m off step with Him.
Yet I keep doing dumb stuff.
When I think about it, God’s Word really ain’t nothing but a big love story. A story where He just wants us to find our way back to Him. He’s always in pursuit of us.
Always.
And yeah, God will allow us to bump our heads sometimes.
Sometimes He’ll turn us loose and let us go after what we think would bring us happiness or what we think will make us feel free, only for us to come crawling back to Him, with our tail between our legs.
I love God, but if I can be honest..
sometimes it’s just easy to turn to other stuff.
Sex is comforting.
Drinking numbs you.
Going my own way sometimes gives me this grand illusion of freedom.
Sometimes I don’t want to be nice or polite or forgiving. Shoot, doing that stuff is HARD.
And sometimes, I’m just plain tired of tryna talk to God.
There are times I have no clue how to talk to Him and it just feels overwhelming. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I can’t see God. I don’t know His voice like I may know the voice of a family member or best friend. Sometimes l feel like—
What’s the point?
Have You turned Your back on me, God?
I’m a mess. What can You possibly do through me??!
I’m fickle.
Most days I feel fake.
I’m insecure.
I’m fearful.
I’m envious.
I can have a stank attitude.
I chase and pursue idols…I’m always looking for “the next best thing.”
I’m always ready to trust in what I see over You, Who’s unseen.
I feel all these feelings. I’m tired of being this person. I wanna change, but I feel like I’m not and I wish change was easier, but it ain’t.
My heart is just sad.
It’s sad because all I wanna do is love God and it breaks my heart that all He wants is all of me and I keep giving Him parts and pieces. It hurts me that this exchange should be so simple. But it’s complicated.
I’m complicated.
Man, God deserves so much more. He deserves better.
He deserves me being all in. I should do whatever it takes to know Him, love Him, trust Him, and allow Him run the show.
But I’m guilty of not doing what I know I should do.
Am I alone in feeling this way???
I read a t-shirt ad the other day that said, “God is still writing your story. Stop trying to steal the pen.” I loved that so much that I almost bought that shirt. But truthfully, that shirt ain’t being real.
“You created every part of me; you put me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because you are to be feared; all you do is strange and wonderful. I know it with all my heart.
When my bones were being formed, carefully put together in my mother’s womb, when I was growing there in secret, you knew that I was there— you saw me before I was born.
The days allotted to me had all been recorded in your book, before any of them ever began.”
Psalm 139:13-16 (GNT)
You saw me.
You knew me.
You already wrote my story.
You God, knew I’d mess up.
You knew I’d fall short.
You knew I’d turn away, run away, mess up, come back, and repeat this cycle.
But still. You decided to make me. You decided to pour gifts into me. You decided to mold me in Your image. You chose me. You love me (even the ugly parts).
How can I not love You? How can this world not accept a love like Yours?
How can I doubt Your direction for my life, when You made me with plans already in mind??
You love me. Deeply.
You love this world filled with people struggling to figure You and life out.
I’m having a hard time trying to connect with You, but I know You in my heart.
You’ve done too much in my life for me to ever doubt Your power, Your pursuit and Your love.
I’ll keep coming to You until I hear You and know You. I’ll keep coming to You even though my change is slow. I’ll keep trying with Jesus as my Lord and Your Holy Spirit as my Guide.
I’m gonna pursue You because You first pursued me.
“The Lord, who made the earth, who formed it and set it in place, spoke to me. He whose name is the Lord said, “Call to me, and I will answer you; I will tell you wonderful and marvelous things that you know nothing about.”
Jeremiah 33:2-3 (GNT)
I’m calling out to You, God.
May You answer.
I’ll love You forever.
Your daughter,
Key♥️
