I never have felt like I’ve fit in anywhere. Not at church. Not among people my age. Not anywhere really. On top of not feeling like I fit in, I lack a lot of confidence in myself. I’m embarrassed to even admit that because deep down everyday I ask God to help me to be confident. I want to be this confident, bold, amazing woman of God. I want to have it all together, know my worth, not settle. I want to tell jerky men to leave me alone and hit the road. I want to look in the mirror and love what I see, but the truth is, that’s not my truth. I don’t think I’m pretty most days. I fight with my past every single day. I struggle with why I can’t seem to love myself. I settle for men that really aren’t worthy of my heart or time. I cut them off only to let the same type of wrong men right back in. I have this internal war going on..it’s like, deep down, I know who God says I am, but what about what others think of me? What about the rejection I’ve felt from guys or from people that I gave the title of friend to, who probably were only associates? What if I’m not liked by someone? What if I’m not accepted or if my laugh is annoying or I’m not dressed right? What if I’m not enough??
I feel like I can never really be my true self with anyone and it sucks. I feel crazy even letting this be known to the world.
To me, these feelings I feel about myself go so much deeper. For me to gauge my worthiness based on what others think of me or what others may say is crazy, right?
Key, what the heck is wrong with you?
Key, that’s got to be the dumbest thing to ever do.
Why is that dumb? Because people are people. People are flawed. They love you one day and may be fickle the next. Shoot, that’s how I can be sometimes. People sometimes hurt you and don’t mean to. Maybe even sometimes they do. We, as people, are not perfect. So why should I base how I feel about myself off of what another imperfect person thinks of me? It makes no sense whatsoever.
I for one am tired of this. I’m tired of basing how I feel about me from what others feel or think or say. I’m so tired of people pleasing. I’m tired of not loving me. I’m tired of making God in my mind be just like people.
God isn’t and will never be just like people.
God doesn’t lie. He just doesn’t. Every single word that comes out of His mouth is true, can be believed, and SHOULD be believed.
If I have to be completely honest with myself, though, I just don’t believe what God thinks of me. Instead of turning to His Word, I create in my tiny mind what I think He says.
That’s insanity on a whole other level.
Because while I’m guessing, I could be knowing. While I’m doubting, I could be believing. While I’m putting God in the same boat as everyone else, He’s actually in a league of His own trying to steer me to His truth.
He says I’m beautiful.
He says I’m worth it.
He says I’m enough.
He made me how He wanted to make me and He adores me. ME!
When I want to give up, He says I can do all things through Christ, so I keep going. (Philippians 4:13)
When I’m lonely and feeling discontentment, He says He’ll never forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)
When I feel like I’m overlooked, not attractive and just having a low self esteem attitude, He says I’m chosen. (John 15:16)
When I feel like I’m less than, He says I’m valuable. (Matthew 10:31)
When I feel unloved, He says that I’m loved deeply. (Romans 5:8)
When my past replays in my head like some warped, broken record, He says I’m forgiven. (1 John 1:9)
And if He says it, there’s no but after it. No further explanation needed, no argument to be had.
Jesus giving His life and body for me to be free is proof in itself that I’m of value, I’m loved, and I’m priceless.
People can say whatever they want about me and you, but what does our non lying, always reliable, undisputed Daddy in Heaven have to say????
Open that Word. Be open to His truth.
One thing I know is that I’ll never be who I need to be or know who I am or can become outside of God’s Presence, outside of God’s Will, and especially outside of God’s Word. That is the key receipe of knowing who I am. Cracking open that Bible, laying at His feet…. there is where we get all the affirmation we would ever need.
You know, it’s a song I love called King of the World. The lyrics touch me because it pinpoints exactly what I do to God~
I try to keep you safely in between the lines
I try to put you in the box that I’ve designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye
She goes on to say, how could she make God so small when He’s the One who holds it all?
How could I make Him so small??? How could we ever see eye to eye? Why would I ever want that? My Daddy in Heaven protects me, loves me, spoils me, watches over me. Even in bad times, He never leaves me alone. Even when I stray, He calls me by name. When I try to do my own thing apart from Him, and I feel like I can’t come home, every.single.time like the prodigal son, He welcomes me back. I am so glad that we will never be eye to eye because His eyes always see the unseen and unknown. And who better to put your trust in or give your heart to than the One who knows all??!
My Daddy in Heaven, I don’t know who I am, but I’m asking you to fill me up. Help me to believe every single word You say. Help me to know over and over that Your truth is what I should always believe. I try to seek gratification and validation from everything and everyone but You and I come up empty every time. Meaningless shopping, men, alcohol, binge watching tv, nothing ever ever fills me up like You. You make me whole. You make me matter. Fill me to overflow. Bombard my negative thoughts. Overtake me with your truth. When I read your word, may I believe it. May I know that no word that has ever come from Your mouth is a lie because lying is impossible for You to do. I pray that I and anyone else struggling with believing You, loving themselves, and being dominated by fear, rejection, and past mistakes be free from that right now in Jesus name. I pray we be free from being scared of trusting You. You never have and never will fail us. We are so much more than we think we are. We are Your image bearers. We belong to You as sons and daughters. We are exactly who YOU say we are. May we never forget that, may we hold on to that, and may we walk in the truth and light of your Word. Thank you for loving me in a way no one else on Earth can. Thank you for a love that’s never conditional. You Lord, will forever and always have my heart. ❤