“You were broken when I met you.”
Sometimes that will randomly pop in my head even though it was said to me almost 6 years ago.
I don’t know about sticks and stones breakin’ bones, but I DO know that words really do hurt.
Words can be carried around in a person’s head for what feels like forever, from forever ago…words from childhood, words that carry us on to adulthood…Man, I just can’t believe that even still, those 7 little words carry so much weight and still cut me so deeply.
I often think of my ex. I wonder if he really was living that double life that my mom accused him of later (after the hurt of my breakup numbed some and she was able to REALLY tell me how she felt😕). I wonder if he’s married with kids. I wonder if I’ll ever run into him— I wonder how my heart will react.
I mean, the best thing that could have happened, did happen.
I found my voice after that break-up. But if I can be real, you know what I really want?
I want a dang apology.
I want to hear him say, “Dang Key. I’m so sorry for the harsh things I said in the end. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you were it for me in the beginning. I’m sorry I messed up us being friends for that failure of a relationship. I’m sorry I made you feel like you were a secret. You never deserved that. I’m sorry I failed you. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry you still question men’s intentions to this day sometimes because of me. I’m sorry that I put a forest full of wood in that fire of insecurity and abandonment within you that loves to peek out in your lowest moments. I’m sorry I betrayed your trust and broke your heart.
I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
I think it was just the other day that I finally realized that I may never ever get that sorry, but I also realized that someone else you may know never got that sorry He deserved either.
There’s this scene in the Chosen (one of the absolute best shows EVER cuz it really really makes you connect with Jesus as He was in His humanity🤯please please watch it) anyway, in this scene that you know ya girl gone include at the end of my blog, fast forward to likeeee 1:50 in the video. The two in this scene play Jesus and Judas in the Chosen. They’re having a great time and they look at each other and hug. It’s one of them hugs that just make ya feel good. (I am one that HATES a sucky hug).
Seriously though…This scene took me out.
One thing the Chosen has been really great about is not painting Judas as this initial villain. I mean, we who know of him can’t stand him because we know what he did. But Judas was just a regular man. He probably saw Jesus and was like, “I have to follow Him.”
He probably really loved Jesus. We don’t know what pushed him to betray Jesus.
What’s wild to me is that though Jesus was man on Earth, He was STILL God. He knew the ENTIRE time that Judas would one day do Him dirty, yet He still picked Him as one of his 12 disciples.
He still loved him, still did life with him.
In my mind, I’m like, “Why and how could You love somebody like that, Jesus?”
And not to put words in Jesus’s mouth, but I thought to myself that He probably saying, “I love you, don’t I?”
I’ve betrayed Jesus. I’ve said I wouldn’t do this. I would never go back to that. I’ve messed up over and over and over.
At least I get to say sorry.
Judas? He never got that chance.
“When Judas, who had betrayed him, realized that Jesus had been condemned to die, he was filled with remorse.
So he took the thirty pieces of silver back to the leading priests and the elders. “I have sinned,” he declared, “for I have betrayed an innocent man.”
“What do we care?” they retorted. “That’s your problem.”
Then Judas threw the silver coins down in the Temple and went out and hanged himself.” -Matthew 27:3-5 NLT
Jesus never got his sorry from Judas.
I wonder right before he hung himself, did he whisper with tears in his eyes—
“I’m sorry Jesus. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
I guess I’ll never know if Jesus heard that from Judas’s lips.
I guess I may never get that sorry from my ex.
But I do know that I gotta be like Jesus. I gotta be aware that there’s imperfect people in this world (shoot, I’m one of ‘em). There are people that you’ll call “friend” that will turn right around and gossip about you or betray you.
You’ll start relationships that will begin with promise and end with pain.
Church people will not act churchy. Folks will be mean. Folks will act like they have no heart. But like Jesus, I gotta love em’ anyway.
Cuz when I acted that way, Jesus still loved me.
Jesus still loved. I gotta do the same.
So to my ex, I don’t need your sorry.
I done did enough wrong to God in my life, so I got plenty enough sorrys to give of my own.
Jesus—I love You.
I could never give enough sorrys for every single wrong, every mistake, every time I’ve went left.
What’s beautiful about You though is You ain’t even beating me up about it.
You’re just sitting on the bench that I created for us in my mind, waiting on me to drop by, sit down and talk to You.. really talk to You. You want my pain, my disappointments, my insane dreams, my mini frustrations…You want it all.
You want me.
What did I EVER do to deserve a love like this?
Thank You that I get to say sorry when I mess up. Thank You that You have the patience to even wanna hear my apologies.
Help me to love You. Help me to let go of this pain I’ve been carrying. It’s so heavy and I’m so tired of it. Thank You for allowing me to release my burdens. Thank You for never giving up on me.
I love You, Lord.. now and always.